[Article] Why I despise using the ‘R’ word (pertaining to CTB)

[TAW122]

Disclaimer: This is NOT a recovery thread, but rather an article discussing about terminology and it's definition. I aim to be consistent. While the title is 'attention-grabbing', I thought it was a way to get my point across succinctly.

So with that in mind, the word I'm referring to is the "Recovery", and I am rather averse to using that terminology partly because it can be confusing and also doesn't really convey my real stance. When I think of recovery, I think of people who have more or less swore off CTB'ing and changed their stance (of course there are more nuances, but that's the general example) with regards to right to die and no longer wanting to die. However, that isn't necessarily the case with me, and that is where things are a bit more confusing, especially when (on the outside) it appears to be that I've recovered and suddenly enjoyed sentience, that is far from the reality. There is always going to be a dread of sentience and recognizing sentience for what it is rather than blindly living in bliss is not indicative of enjoying it, but simply being aware and only coping. For me (perhaps even anecdotally) even during the better times, likely also fleeting moments (nothing pleasurable is always infinite, but rather finite) during the course and span of sentience (many decades in duration, barring sudden ends), I merely 'cope.' I will always refer and recognize that CTB is an option and having such an option available is also "ironically" what keeps me going until an event that is untenable and unbearable pushes me over. It just makes the dread of sentience more 'tolerable' during the interim.

Meanwhile, while there are people who do end up recovering and considering themselves 'recovered', I also see recovery as possibly a temporary state, only when certain circumstances are active and present. This means that if someone does indeed recover, as per the definition of such, it is possible for said person to also go back to the state of wanting to CTB over time, especially when circumstances that push them towards CTB resurface. I am not similar to said kinds of people/persons. I have posted an older thread (linked here) about the concept of recovery and made note of distinctions between them.

Furthermore, there are two examples that show the dread of sentience, one of which is from an antinatalist YouTuber, MarcMundSpilli (he used to go by a different alias before but as of this article, this is his current alias on YouTube), and one of his rants (linked here with regards to pain and suffering and also here with regards to coping) talks about distractions and sentience. The main point that he is getting through is sentience itself is a net negative (which is generally true) and that copes and distractions are what keeps us occupied and satiated so that we don't think about suffering while being in the state of sentience.

Similarly, one of my professors many years ago, back when I was in university talked about how "humans are very good at distracting themselves [from death]." which he is referring to about sentience and what not. It made sense to me and I've arrived at the conclusion that it is due to how that 'death' itself is rather unpleasant and how humans (at least most of humanity) does their best to avoid the notion of death by copes and distractions. Even when it does 'inevitably' happen (natural causes, unexpected events, accidents, etc.), humanity still generally shies away from it as much as possible.

Therefore, I see that sentience, even in the better times is often only manageable due to a continuation of copes, distractions, and even having a key out, as I've always held two quotes to heart, one by a 19th century philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche: "The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.", and a 20th century writer, George Sterling: "A prison becomes a home when you have the key." These two quotes are rather meaningful to me as they form my worldview and pro-choice stance when it comes to the right to die. The first one by Nietzsche refers to the CTB ideation and knowing that when one views CTB as a valid option, it does help with coping and less of a taxing burden that sentience has. Then, the other one, which is by Sterling refers to the actual (true) means of escaping and by having the means (in his quote the word 'key' is analogous to CTB method) to actually do so can make prison (or sentience) feel like a home instead of a burden. Throughout the better times in my life, I've had the means to reliably exit and that alone has allowed me to continue or at least be less burdened and less anxious overall.

 

[Dreamwalker]

I love philosophizing posts like these !! I agree with you

It's silly to use a word like recovery, something we constantly attribute to things like overcoming addictions or illnesses, in the context of one's own being. Existing is in and of itself the right to choose non-existence; it transcends all moral, ethical, and ideological frameworks

 

[catsalvation]

"A prison becomes a home when you have the key."

That's what I feel exactly. Only if I'll have the means to exit I'll be able to put my mind onto other things. Also agree with the notion of 'recovery'. There are always ups and downs, who knows, maybe our life miraculously turns into a fairy tale next week but then everything goes bad again and we CTB, does that erase the good parts? No...

 

[capi]

I relate to a lot here.

For my disabilities, at most is that they can go into remission, they are incurable. Recovery is possible but it almost always ends. Its a constant cycle.

Despite that, people have claimed to find happiness and peace, but they do so solely through coping mechanisms.

That's nice for them, but the thing is, im not them. I dont want my life to be full of coping mechanisms. Same reason why I wouldnt want to live as a blind person. It goes against my values in life, even if people can learn acceptance.
Why am i forced to be subjugated to how im ought to live my life and have others peoples values forced on me?

I could become a burn victim, deaf, blind, etc, and people will still try to force me to accept my life. Im sorry, but i dont want to live my life that way.
Even if good things can happen in my life, i dont see it as worth it.

But then people twist your values, making it seem like its a "wrong mindset" and try to force blame and a morality system onto you.

Like, of course if i changed my values ("mindset") i wouldnt care anymore!, but those are MY values! Theres a reason i have them. If my values are at the will of others to change then who will i become?

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

About the sterling quote.

Spoiler

A prison does become a home when you have the key which is why exactly the key is not given to you, you are a slave to the system you are born in, nothing more.

The people above you not only want you to suffer and to serve them but if the key was available to everyone, it would take away from their pleasure of domination.

What point is there to torture or enslave someone who doesn't fear death? What pleasure can you even derive from having power over such a person?

It's the same with groomers, although this is not the subject, I think it's appropriate to bring it up, groomers move on to their next victim after their initial victim has grown accustomed to their abuse, to the torture, to whatever the hell they've groomed them to accept, when they've grown complacent, when they've grown to desire that pain, that fear, that degeneracy; they lose what they had before, innocence.

Innocence that could be exploited, that could be squashed, that could be torn to pieces, hope that could be destroyed, that could be violated.

This is what I believe. This is why I believe we got no key to our prison.

 

[eggsausagerice]

Existing is in and of itself the right to choose non-existence; it transcends all moral, ethical, and ideological frameworks

people exist whether they're depressed, happy, anxious, or actively suicidal. they keep on existing because death doesn't come easily in the 21st century. something i think about a lot is that people might think i'm happy or that i want to live just because i'm not talking about suicide all the time, or because i'm capable of laughing or enjoying something without being burdened by my depression. living is always going to be a baseline state and your personal happiness ebbs and flows, but it's not like you can just stop existing temporarily when you become too depressed. i hate how absolute people are about suicidality in general and that if you aren't actively feeling bad about yourself then you're in recovery or not as depressed as you said you were. i wish i could explain it better to people.

 

[Pluto]