Are you seriously going to do it?

[pariah80]

If so, how are you feeling right now? I feel calm, but sad. There's a part of me that wants to live. However, that part of me even rationalizes my decision to move forward. I sometimes sit and think about what decisions I could've made differently. If I had done this or if I had done that. Yet, one of the reasons I'm going through with it is because, no matter what I would've personally done, the world around me would still be crumbling. I could've been a successful artist, but COVID would've still happened. People would've still been fighting over toilet paper. The economy would still be going to crap. The world would still be on the brink of war. Humans would still be destroying their biosphere. I'd just have a more comfortable position within a dying world. So, for all my fantasizing about actually achieving the life I've always wanted, those fantasies crumble in the face of the reality of life.

I guess the human race couldn't have gone any other direction. No matter how much potential they have, in the end, this would still be happening. I'm weird, I guess. I just don't want to live in a dying world. Even if things "work out" for me. I don't like to see people suffer. And I don't want to see how it all turns out. Honestly, I don't care. I say all this to emphasize my calmness yet sadness. It's a double-edged sword really. I'm sad about the way the world is going, but then... I don't care either. I'll be gone. And humans have made this bed, so they can lie in it.

Anyway, if you're really going through with it, how do you feel right now? When do you plan to attempt (ballpark or actual date)? Are you sad? Are you afraid? I'm a little scared. I mean, I don't know what's on the other side of this. I'm not scared of a heaven/hell type of situation. I guess just fear of the unknown.

If you're going to do it, how are you feeling?

 

[Soupster]

Anyway, if you're really going through with it, how do you feel right now? When do you plan to attempt (ballpark or actual date)? Are you sad? Are you afraid? I'm a little scared. I mean, I don't know what's on the other side of this. I'm not scared of a heaven/hell type of situation. I guess just fear of the unknown.

If you're going to do it, how are you feeling?

Before I pulled the trigger so to speak on joining the forum I decided I was going to actually do it, not just long for it as I have for a long time now. I'm honestly mostly at peace with that decision. I also know I have a lot of work to do to actually get myself there to make sure it is not just an attempt to ctb, but a sure thing. As to when I go, it will be shortly after my dad passes. I lost my mom recently, and once he goes I won't feel guilty for crushing them. I feel a little bad for my siblings and friends but I can't wait until everyone I know or care about is dead. Sad? Not about ctb. In life generally? Very. Scared? Yup. Aside from my parents, that fear has been the only thing keeping me here. I hope I can deconstruct it and overcome it soon. That's where the hard work comes in.

 

[pumpkins334234]

i'm feeling very happy and at peace. i know that it will all be over soon and that i can rest. i just hope my loved ones are not too affected. i have stayed alive for them but the pain has outweighed it now.

 

[pariah80]

Before I pulled the trigger so to speak on joining the forum I decided I was going to actually do it, not just long for it as I have for a long time now. I'm honestly mostly at peace with that decision. I also know I have a lot of work to do to actually get myself there to make sure it is not just an attempt to ctb, but a sure thing. As to when I go, it will be shortly after my dad passes. I lost my mom recently, and once he goes I won't feel guilty for crushing them. I feel a little bad for my siblings and friends but I can't wait until everyone I know or care about is dead. Sad? Not about ctb. In life generally? Very. Scared? Yup. Aside from my parents, that fear has been the only thing keeping me here. I hope I can deconstruct it and overcome it soon. That's where the hard work comes in.

I'm sorry about your mom. I understand about not wanting to hurt them. I'm not sad about ctb either. I'm sadder about life. Mine and just life in general. I had such high hopes for both. CTB is going to be a release for me. And you're right about the mental part being the hardest part. It really does take more courage to die. Good luck to you on your journey.

 

[Dingusguy]

Currently I have too many people who bind me here. I want to do it every day, I am sad more often than I am not. I know I won't actually Ctb for a long ass time due to my own mistakes when I "felt better" and thought things were going to be better. I was wrong evidently and now I have made connections with people I do not want to hurt with my passing.
That being said I am only human and I can only handle so much. I have no clue when I will do it, but I will do it at some point in the future, likely alone in an empty apartment.
I am not scared I am just angry and sad. Angry I can't find a better solution, sad because of my endless mistakes, a lot of people hate their life and it isn't their fault their lives suck. In my case it is exclusively my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself for the life I live and that feels truly awful.

 

[pariah80]

Currently I have too many people who bind me here. I want to do it every day, I am sad more often than I am not. I know I won't actually Ctb for a long ass time due to my own mistakes when I "felt better" and thought things were going to be better. I was wrong evidently and now I have made connections with people I do not want to hurt with my passing.
That being said I am only human and I can only handle so much. I have no clue when I will do it, but I will do it at some point in the future, likely alone in an empty apartment.
I am not scared I am just angry and sad. Angry I can't find a better solution, sad because of my endless mistakes, a lot of people hate their life and it isn't their fault their lives suck. In my case it is exclusively my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself for the life I live and that feels truly awful.

I get it. That's why I don't really go out nor do anything. I don't want to make any more connections. I live with a dear friend. I thought about doing it in their house, but immediately got a sickening pit in my stomach. I don't want to do that to them. If it just came down to it, I'd just walk into an empty field or parking lot miles away and pull the trigger. So, I get not wanting to hurt people. Like you said, though. We're only human. We can only endure so much. I can identify with your statement.

 

[IkaXo]

I'm starting to see no other end for me. If a pick a date, it surely be on my birthday because I don't want to cause any more grieving to my family, to whom I don't keep in touch anymore, but I assume they will care.
Currently I'm frustrated at my current state of living, I need to find a better job.
I wish I had studied a degree.

 

[Dingusguy]

I get it. That's why I don't really go out nor do anything. I don't want to make any more connections. I live with a dear friend. I thought about doing it in their house, but immediately got a sickening pit in my stomach. I don't want to do that to them. If it just came down to it, I'd just walk into an empty field or parking lot miles away and pull the trigger. So, I get not wanting to hurt people. Like you said, though. We're only human. We can only endure so much. I can identify with your statement.

Having people important enough to stay alive for is a blessing and a curse. It's nice to care so much about someone but god damn is it ever a detriment when you just wanna leave. I hope we both find a way out regardless of what that means.

 

[SpaceGhost111]

Probably not, I'm not to my tipping point yet

 

[divinemistress36]

yes, not asap but one of these days. I have a believe in some sort of afterlife so that brings me peace but I'm terrified of failing and giving myself even more brain damage then I already have

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yes I will do it. For many reasons

Anyone would have to be brainwashed to want to exist another day in this evil world just with all the evil , oppression, injustice, disease, lies, scams , and horrors they see.

Just one example that shows this world is evil : the oppression and injustice of an extreme suicide prohibition state turning this world into a prison. They made nembutal, assisting suicide, cyanide capsules into crimes. Just like in the evil U.S. they are about to ban SN

On top of the prison of this world are multiple prisons for example the prison of this always hungry animal body that is so fragile and decaying

 

[pariah80]

Yes I will do it. For many reasons

Anyone would have to be brainwashed to want to exist another day in this evil world just with all the evil , oppression, injustice, disease, lies, scams , and horrors they see.

On top of the prison of this world are multiple prisons for example the prison of this always hungry animal body that is so fragile and decaying

I felt every word of this. For me, personally, there's no way to win this game. Every blessing is always backhanded with 10 more curses. There's just something about this life that feeds on misery and stress. And it needs me to be miserable and stress out until it kills me. I just don't want to let it do that. That's my weird belief, but I hold it.

 

[razahcareca27]

i planned mine. I think I have to enter into this mentality of when you 'have to do' a thing.
i can't postpone little actions related to my plan, can't continue planning, can't fail by talking too much or whatever like that. I enter in this 'mood' kinda against anything that would made me fail ou make it more difficult, hurried or else

I have a 3/4 day gap to do it but hopefully I will set it to 2 sooner. I am serious, I am planniing almost the same things I planned on June but without errors or hesitate. till now. inside this mentally I have, have also fully conscience that there is a chance of me backing up for example, but I've been shaping much this and being kinda solidier now, but everyday day less is a mission as well. gratefully conclusion is frequently the same.

scare too. afraid, have to remembering myself so many times what I have to do before, bored, tired, anxious, rising frequency of substance use. but kinda satisfied too. happy (who knows?), appreciating nature, landscapes, traffic, like I used to do when things were better, trying to be better for those I love.

 

[SoulCage]

Currently I have too many people who bind me here. I want to do it every day, I am sad more often than I am not. I know I won't actually Ctb for a long ass time due to my own mistakes when I "felt better" and thought things were going to be better. I was wrong evidently and now I have made connections with people I do not want to hurt with my passing.
That being said I am only human and I can only handle so much. I have no clue when I will do it, but I will do it at some point in the future, likely alone in an empty apartment.
I am not scared I am just angry and sad. Angry I can't find a better solution, sad because of my endless mistakes, a lot of people hate their life and it isn't their fault their lives suck. In my case it is exclusively my own fault and I have no one to blame but myself for the life I live and that feels truly awful.

Oh wow, you have put my thoughts perfectly into words. I always feel guilty for saying that I want to leave this place, but at the same time have people who care about me. It's also because I have bonded with them while I was mentally more stable, still hopeful and confident in my abilities.
One day, I will no longer have the willpower to endure all the hardships and then will be able to completely disconnect from the people I know. Avoiding them (or telling them lies about why I can't meet them) for about 6 months and only then I feel assured that they will have a less painful experience when they hear about my passing.

 

[Necrosis]

Eventually, yes. I currently feel overwhelmed and at a tipping point in regard to my performance in life. I don't think I'll do it anytime soon, if I do it will be impulsively. I will definitely not be dying of natural causes.
I have a mate who I'm planning a future with, and a cat I refuse to subject to my loss. He will have to pass before I do. I live for them. When my cat dies and if my other 3 will be okay, and if my mate no longer needs me to have his aspirations achieved, then I will go. Until then I am stuck suffering.

 

[Dingusguy]

Oh wow, you have put my thoughts perfectly into words. I always feel guilty for saying that I want to leave this place, but at the same time have people who care about me. It's also because I have bonded with them while I was mentally more stable, still hopeful and confident in my abilities.
One day, I will no longer have the willpower to endure all the hardships and then will be able to completely disconnect from the people I know. Avoiding them (or telling them lies about why I can't meet them) for about 6 months and only then I feel assured that they will have a less painful experience when they hear about my passing.

I am sorry to hear we are in a similar situation. And I hope we manage to find an out, whatever that means. If that is recovery or ctb I hope we find a way out. Because this isn't exactly living, it feels like I am trapped by my own past choices and mistakes, it feels as if I was punished for trying to maintain my relationships with my family and friends when I felt better, and now that I feel like leaving I can't. I don't want to hurt those I care about with my passing. Somehow I have convinced myself that me staying and dreading every single day is the lesser evil of my choices. But I know one day I will break, I am only human.

So if you're in the same situation or a similar one I feel for you, it is not a fun spot to be put in at all, staying alive for others is. Exhausting.