Are you lying to yourself and actually you will never CTB?

[hannila_m]

I'm afraid I just live in a big illusion and in fact I will never be able to CTB cause I'm just too scared.

And a part of me knows that, but I just keep lying I will do it, cause it gives some kind of relief.

 

[4g1vvvven]

I really hope not but relate to the post, I keep saying I will and don't, what experiments I've done have been limited and terrible experiences

 

[H25pital Order]

Feeling too scared is a thought-provoking analogy. Instead of procrastinating over CTB try CBT. This hypothesis worked for me; admittedly not every time.

 

[dinosavr]

I definitely used to lie to myself. Few months ago I realized that, when for the first time ever I actually felt that I'm actually not that afraid and that I am able to do it.

 

[ThymeToLeave]

Maybe. Every time I think about preparing for it I wind up putting it off. Maybe I'm more afraid of death than I am of a terrible future, even though death is something I should logically prefer.

 

[hannila_m]

Maybe. Every time I think about preparing for it I wind up putting it off. Maybe I'm more afraid of death than I am of a terrible future, even though death is something I should logically prefer.

Same here. Best wishes

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Wanting to die and not going through with it is perfectly valid imo. If that does provide some relief, even better. My life was so bad at one point that I wished every day I was dead and I felt like my brain was going to explode from trauma. I definitely did not look forward to another day of sadness & suffering, I just wanted to get away from it or past it all somehow. Getting older was actually a relief.

 

[passivethought121]

I probably am, as proven with the last several years. But I hope this lie becomes more truthful as I gain money and privacy and an attempt is in clear view

 

[mortuarymary]

It's there IF needed. Right now I don't. I'm happy. I just need some sleep.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I hope not but it very well may be true for me because I just locked in my plans yesterday and yet today I already feel like going back on them just because something slightly positive happened for me today. I hate how the chemical reactions going on in my body can trick me into forgetting the reality of my situation and that no amount of hopium is actually going to eliminate my need to CTB for the greater good. And yet…my cowardice which has been prevalent all through my life could still be enough to keep me from ultimately doing it. Same for my laziness.

Ironically if I were to actually renounce suicide and really get my act together by eliminating my laziness and fearfulness then removing those things would probably truly help me finally be able to achieve my death since another main reason I want to die so bad is because I really just like seeing shit end. Good tv show finales are so satisfying and I feel like my life could be right up there even if I end it prematurely as long as I've prepared for the final season then I can hope it'll be a good one.

But no. Instead I'm locked into a seemingly permanent cycle of wanting to die due to the inaction and overall shitty behaviors I commit that make me need to die.

 

[Himeasa]

Quite possibly. I've been wanting to CBT for a decade, but it was always half-hearted. When push came to shove, I relented and relished in the haze of my brain's emergency neurotransmitters. Yet, the simmering thereafter, living day-to-day and through a cascade of personal catastrophes, is such torture. I hope I can pull through with a proper method.

 

[matt1968]

I really relate.

Sending you my best wishes.

 

[hannila_m]

But no. Instead I'm locked into a seemingly permanent cycle of wanting to die due to the inaction and overall shitty behaviors I commit that make me need to die.

Sounds totally like me!!! I am also trapped in that cycle. Shitty behaviors - welcome!

 

[F@#$]

Yeah, I think I give myself false hope that shit will get better. It doesn't it's been getting incrementally worse.