Are you innocent? Have you ever been?

[Nolan96]

When I was a teen/preteen, people sometimes said I was the innocent one, the one who wasn't interested in sex or drugs or partying. Any they were right. But I was the one who was cutting myself and wondering why the fuck I was ever born when I was alone in my room.

Years have passed and I've had more life experiences. But I think a lot of people would still see something childlike in me. I feel like I've been saddled with so much pain and confusion and dread since birth, but will never "grow up" to the extent of being able to handle it.

When I was a child, maybe five, I accidentally dropped a piece of paper in the heater. As it fell, I thought to myself, "I promise to God I won't lose this paper because I promise to God that this paper is my representative of God." It made no sense and was a pure intrusive thought. But for months I thought about that paper slowly burning up in the heater, about God's agony from the burning, and about how I would burn too. Kids from far more religious and fundamentalist families than mine didn't deal with this shit. My parents never even talked to me about Hell. So why the fuck has my mind always been so terrifying?

I'm still that child, pathetically inept in the adult world, but disturbed by very adult things.

 

[catflowers]

When I was a teen/preteen, people sometimes said I was the innocent one, the one who wasn't interested in sex or drugs or partying. Any they were right. But I was the one who was cutting myself and wondering why the fuck I was ever born when I was alone in my room.

Years have passed and I've had more life experiences. But I think a lot of people would still see something childlike in me. I feel like I've been saddled with so much pain and confusion and dread since birth, but will never "grow up" to the extent of being able to handle it.

When I was a child, maybe five, I accidentally dropped a piece of paper in the heater. As it fell, I thought to myself, "I promise to God I won't lose this paper because I promise to God that this paper is my representative of God." It made no sense and was a pure intrusive thought. But for months I thought about that paper slowly burning up in the heater, about God's agony from the burning, and about how I would burn too. Kids from far more religious and fundamentalist families than mine didn't deal with this shit. My parents never even talked to me about Hell. So why the fuck has my mind always been so terrifying?

I'm still that child, pathetically inept in the adult world, but disturbed by very adult things.

same im not really an adult even though im 19 im done with my stupid little american life i am gonna blow my brains out

 

[gottablast888]

yes

 

[Smart No More]

It sounds like you held yourself accountable and maybe, as a child your mind went to god because of the correlation between doing right and wrong and what we hear about god in media and school as children. It's like the ultimate measure of it. It's a bit like the catholic guilt syndrome. You may be thinking too much about adult and child with regard to your understandings and traits. Not that I don't see or understand where you're coming from. I just think you might be a little too down on yourself. I could be way off but think I identify something familiar to myself in regards to self accountability. For example if I'm doing something and an ethical question raises itself I have to make the choice on the side of that no matter how slight it might be to others because I need to feel I did the right thing now I considered it. I feel guilt if I don't. It can become a bit obsessive arguably and can turn into OCD.

There's actually a certain maturity to innocence and a certain strength in not chosing ingnorant bliss and headonistic pursuits. Unfortunately it comes at the cost you're paying for many. I'm not entirely sure how best to remedy that. Try not to beat yourself up though.

 

[jodes2]

I don't think innocent really applies to me other than I only lost my virginity when I was 18. I did drugs since I was 17

 

[nosurpries]

my mind was clean of mental illness when i was a very young child, probably 6 or 7. but from the ages of 10 or 11 on, i was already dead.

 

[TheShadowKing]

Yeah at one point

 

[leloyon]

No, I don't think I ever was. Certainly not now.
I still don't think I've done anything to deserve everything that's happened to me. My punishment doesn't exactly fit the crimes but eh, life's never been fair to me, and that would imply I'm getting punished for anything I've actually done rather than just being born to begin with.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I relate to that, besides the whole god part. I never partied during my preteen and teen years, I've never done drugs, and I used to instead spend my time cutting or using other self harm methods. Most people around me viewed me as innocent and even now they still view as innocent. It probably doesn't help that I'm a quiet loser.

Last year, I started sending nudes to older men online and even then I felt very innocent when doing that. It felt like I was a child trying to keep up with what they were saying and asking of me. When I went out to buy beer I felt like a confused pathetic child. A part of me wants to completely shed myself completely of my innocence but another part of me wants to keep it. Either way, I don't feel like an adult. I feel like I'm behind my peers both mentally and in regards to life experiences. It's like I'm still a 10 year old rather than a 20 year old. I can barely function as a person, let alone an adult.