Are you going to leave a note? +vent

[rotten]

When you decide to ctb, will you leave a note behind for your family, significant other, or friends?

I don't really plan on leaving one unless I can ensure it will only be kept between a few friends and not my family. I doubt that would happen though. I know that sounds harsh but I never had the best relationship with my family.

When I was about 14 years old I got caught at school for having suicidal thoughts (my friend snitched). They sent me to the crisis center which I fucking hated because nobody listened to what I was saying. It was like I wasn't even in the room at times. Anyways, after being there for who knows how long, I changed my mind on ctb for the time being. I had my note stuffed in my underwear for safe keeping. I told the nurse to take me to the bathroom and from there I tore up the note, threw it in the trash can, and then buried everything with used paper towels.

These motherfuckers really found all the pieces, put it together, and then sent a neat little photocopy to my parents.

I know now to flush things like that but back then I was 14, stupid, and out of it.

My mother held that note over my head for a solid year. She would basically use it as a form of blackmail. If I didn't do this or if I did something she didn't like, she would threaten to send my note to everyone that way they can make fun of me and see how "crazy" I am.

Eventually one day my mom had to leave for the afternoon. It was a rare occasion where I was left in the house all by myself since my incident. I went into her closet and took that photocopy along with other paperwork from the crisis center and flushed it down the toilet. I didn't find the original though, I think the center still had it or threw it away by now. I was also lucky my parents aren't tech savvy so I'm pretty sure they never made more copies.

So for that, I don't think they deserve a final note from me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd write one to explain that existence was only ever suffering for me and how permanently ceasing to exist was all I ever wished for.

 

[rotten]

I'd write one to explain that existence was only ever suffering for me and how permanently ceasing to exist was all I ever wished for.

I'm sorry the world has been so unkind to you, you don't deserve that. I hope you find peace somehow

 

[quietly_gone]

In one of my attempts I tried to and all I could do was say sorry and it made me feel so guilty to the point I started delaying CTB. It makes me think too much about other people, so no, next time (and hopefully last time) I won't write anything.

 

[Defenestration]

since April 2023 I have more than thirty pages written where I detail your life, the grapes of the ctb, my funeral, everything in the smallest details (well it's very airy and written quite large)...recorded in audio (1 hour audio if not the strength to read). I update the writing as I go.

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

No. They won't understand it anyway, they never did while I was alive, so why when I'm dead?

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I've been debating whether I should or should not write a note. If I start writing a note, I will probably end up writing a book split into volumes.

Unfortunately my recipients are not literate so they wouldn't be able to read my note anyway .

 

[rotten]

since April 2023 I have more than thirty pages written where I detail your life, the grapes of the ctb, my funeral, everything in the smallest details (well it's very airy and written quite large)...recorded in audio (1 hour audio if not the strength to read). I update the writing as I go.

That's actually pretty impressive, any time I tried I couldn't get out more than 2 pages. To put it simply I've just been used and abused far too much.

 

[rotten]

No. They won't understand it anyway, they never did while I was alive, so why when I'm dead?

I feel the same way. In general, it seems a lot of families or friends have a very narrow minded view on these types of things. It's just how they were brought up, but it's unfortunate how many loved ones they lose because of it.

 

[Jeav]

I feel the same way. In general, it seems a lot of families or friends have a very narrow minded view on these types of things. It's just how they were brought up, but it's unfortunate how many loved ones they lose because of it.

Actions sometimes speak louder than words, self-criticism would be at his door if he had any interest in you, sometimes traumatic events awaken something deep in us.

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

Yes a big long one that explains everything, and gives and explanation as to why I had to CTB. I might even records some audio logs or videos in which I talk to a camera.

I have this incessant need need to write and express my opinions and justifications for the tings I do.

 

[Hotsackage]

I'd leave something, but everyone has a personal take on it

 

[wasted_years]

I will write one to let my parents know that all of this is their fault. Not that they'd give a shit, they've outright told me to ctb, but still.

 

[rotten]

I will write one to let my parents know that all of this is their fault. Not that they'd give a shit, they've outright told me to ctb, but still.

I'm sorry, some people really don't deserve to have children. My mom told me the same along with the good old "I should have aborted you" rants. I hope you are able to find peace somehow.

 

[3/4Dead]

Yeah, it's mostly just to be able to say I did it, and they're mostly "Yep. You knew I was going to do this, so, sorry, love you," then a note with formalities about what to do with my body and my stuff

 

[chronicdissosiation]

yea. itd honestly feel wrong not to. i have one but its a work in progress — mentioning my issues, why i planned it, how i felt. you get the gist

 

[huntermellow]

i have mine already written down in my notes ready for me to write. it's like a long letter more than a note. i also hope my family don't read it cos they'd never understand. they'd just pick apart pieces and blame me for how i turned out and it's just embarrassing having my feelings exposed to my family

 

[lonely&trapped.]

Because I'm going to hang myself in my room, I'll have to put a sticky note on my door that'll warn however finds my body that I'm most likely dead, and at that point just to call the proper authorities unless they want to be traumatized by opening my door. Besides that, there will be no further explanation. My family aren't entitled to know why I will CTB (And if they did know I feel like in their minds they wouldn't think it was 'justified').

 

[thinvy]

not a "proper" note, no. if they haven't seen the writing on the walls by now, they likely won't believe anything I have to say now. I'll probably just leave instructions on what to do with my corpse, important passwords and whatnot, bank stuff, something informing them of my life insurance policy and how it should pay out but they should hassle the company anyways just in case, and then maybe an apology to my sister.

I feel bad because as far as I know, I'm the only trans person she knows. I know how much it would've crushed me to lose my one irl trans role model at that age. I don't want her to feel like she can't live a happy life. I was ruined a long time ago, and it has nothing to do with my gender identity.

tl;dr, no, writing notes makes me angry lol. will be leaving instructions instead.