No lmao I dont give a shit how the body looks like when alive, so obviously I couldn't give any less of a fuck how it looks when Im dead lol. As much as I don't give a damn shit about the appearance of the body (of human bodies/bodies in general, and whatever other thing in general too), my parents will most likely be the ones who find my body first so I guess ill have no choice but to make it look as "good" as possible. (i couldn't care any less if it looks "good" or "bad" or whatever lol but I'll have to do it for 'my parents/my family' to not be so shocked and traumatized). I dont want to traumatize them, but there's just no way they wont be traumatized and devastated or whatever that means. 'I' thought of ctbing inside a hotel room but there are just two "2 stars" hotels in this town and they're all closed because of the 'pandemic' restrictions and anyways if I suddenly left the house they'd suspect a lot as I never go out alone because I dont want to have friends (why do I have to lol), theyd ask me where am i going, I'd have no choice but tell them and then they'd ask why am i going to a hotel out of a sudden if Ive never done that before and would suspect a lot, and to have own house lots of years would have to pass by first and id have to get a fucking job or whatever the fuck a 'job' is and force myself to "have" "interest"/"motivation"/"will" for whatever job shit to have own 'money' for sn or a rope and then I'd have to wait even more until i buy/have the fucking 'house', that shit would take who knows how many years and I just dont fucking want to work nor any other thing whatever/however it is, at all. So i only have the option of doing it in my parents' 'house' if I dont want to wait that long, I know they'll be traumatized but well i simply just dont want to exist at all, I simply literally just don't want to 'experience' 'life' (nor any other thing at all no matter what/how it is) in general however it is/it can be and I wont stay just because they want me to and want me to 'enjoy life', 'be happy', 'live/experience/explore/do' 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' blah blah and just because they will be sad/devastated/hurt if I leave.
I was forced into 'parents'/'family' (im NOT saying "bad" parents/family, they're not "bad" 'parents'/'family' at all [and I couldnt care less lol], I mean forced into 'parents' and a 'family' in general, because 'I' had no choice but to be 'born' and 'become' 'something'/'someone' and be 'brought' to 'existence'/'life'/'life on earth'/'human life'/'the world'/'planet Earth' and whatever all 'this' 'is') and now I'll even have to 'deal' with the ""guilt"" of 'leaving' 'them' behind and making them 'suffer' and that I will be """selfish""" or whatever that means [as if I cared lol]. Well, what can I do? i can't control that. They want me and love me and all that okay but what if i just don't give a shit lol, I literally just don't care about absolutely anything and there's no reason behind that. Im sorry about them and that they'll suffer and cry and will be devastated, I guess they don't deserve that at all, actually it is a hard decision because I know it'll be 'hard' for them and they'll be hurt and crying but existing/experiencing 'life' etcetc shouldn't be an obligation and if I just dont want to I dont want to and that's it. I wont 'change' and be 'interested' in 'life'/'things'/'the world'/'planet earth' and blah blah, whatever just because they'll cry and be sad if I die. Im sorry I guess but I cant control that. I just dont want to be 'here' in 'existence'/'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' (no matter how it is, not because of the way/how it is) nor anywhere else whatever/however it is, and I wont stay just because if I don't others will be sad. You can think that 'Im' ""selfish"", ""cruel"" or whatever. I don't care.
So well as much as I dont give a single fuck how the appearance of a 'human body'/'body' in general looks like/is, ill have to consider my parents/my family and the fact that they'll see the body, I'll try to make it look as 'good' as possible for them to not be so traumatized and shocked, but anyways they will be, no matter how 'well'/'much' I 'prepare' the body. if i ctb with SN the body (especially the face) will probably become blue though anyways, but I just cant control that lol
