Discussion Are you afraid to be left alone bcs you know you can hurt yourself?

[mini_weeny]

After a period of physically illness and a surgery my mental breakdown started,before this I lived alone for ten years and was perfectly happy but this time, when I came back from the hospital After that surgery something was different, I knew there was a monster inside me and that bad things would happen, I was afraid of myself, I instinctively knew I was not supposed to be alone because I would hurt myself .... and I did, badly. I ruined my life completely and irreparably that's why I'm here. I hurt and fissured my throat while pulling a bandana too hard to get lightheaded then that got me into an unstoppable downward spiral that ended up in me destroying my ears when a gun I had went off (that little monster in my head doing it's thing). I was so scared of myself, I knew shit would happen. Anyone has been there? I know I will hurt myself again hope at least it ends in ctb and not more suffering. Still scared of myself. Wish there had been someone to stop me, but there wasn't ... still there isn't.

 

[whywere]

I feel so sorry for you as it is terrible to have a "inner voice" pulling one in various directions. I have had thoughts/ "inner voice" push me as far as the last attempt I do not remember hardly anything till getting locked up in the hospital. So yes, I have been there. I cried when I read your post becasue it 1) brought back memories and 2) I REALLY want you to know that I care, love and am here for you. I am alone but I, same as you, have our global family here that helps. Sending you all the love, kindness and support that I have in me. Walter (yep real first name, 65 years young, gray hair and NEVER phony)

 

[RedHarlequin]

I am sorry to hear you're going through all this. For me it is the other way around. Not being alone like being in the hospital or having my boyfriend stay at home for longer periods makes me panic and feel trapped because I know I can't ctb.

 

[mini_weeny]

I feel so sorry for you as it is terrible to have a "inner voice" pulling one in various directions. I have had thoughts/ "inner voice" push me as far as the last attempt I do not remember hardly anything till getting locked up in the hospital. So yes, I have been there. I cried when I read your post becasue it 1) brought back memories and 2) I REALLY want you to know that I care, love and am here for you. I am alone but I, same as you, have our global family here that helps. Sending you all the love, kindness and support that I have in me. Walter (yep real first name, 65 years young, gray hair and NEVER phony)

Awwww that's actually very sweet and I'm thankful for all your good wishes and love. A big hug back at you! I had a Swiss friend also Walter used to call him Walti. So, thanks so much Walti for your sweet comment. It really helps, since sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to control those voices but I guess we really can't or couldn't at the time. I don't want to hurt myself, just want to be happy but the damage is done. I'm up for a chat any time you want :) I'm really sorry you had to go through that last attempt, wow I just wish for pain and suffering to cease to exist for all of us. I know we all just want to be happy and isolation is a big burden and an important factor in considering ctb for many of us. Your empathy is priceless, thanks so much!

I am sorry to hear you're going through all this. For me it is the other way around. Not being alone like being in the hospital or having my boyfriend stay at home for longer periods makes me panic and feel trapped because I know I can't

That's a good point, would you ctb if you were left alone for say a week? Is your plan flawless?

 

[whywere]

Hi @mini_weeny THANK YOU so much for the heart felt response, LOVED IT! I do not want to bother you but the idea of a chat sometime would be really nice if you want to. My heart breaks for you as far as I want you to be happy with the knowledge that there is a beautiful sunny day coming on a sandy beach for you with a cold drink in hand. Again, THANK YOU for the fantastic good feelings that I have now becasue of you, take great care of yourself, and lets chat sometime. Walter

 

[Mentalmick]

I'm pretty scared of myself, yep. Nearly died at Christmas when self harming went wrong. It's not a good way to be.

 

[WornOutLife]

I've lived alone for 8 years but lost my freedom for 6 months last year.

Now, I'm finally free again but I can relate to what you say. During that time, even though I hated living with my parents again, I knew I wouldn't hurt myself or try to ctb immediately because I wasn't alone.

Then, I started to feel better and show some progress so, I was allowed to move to my apartment again. I guess time healed my wounds.

I'm still suicidal and will probably ctb some day but I'll do my best so as not to do it impulsively.

Best of luck, pal.

Matt

 

[RedHarlequin]

Awwww that's actually very sweet and I'm thankful for all your good wishes and love. A big hug back at you! I had a Swiss friend also Walter used to call him Walti. So, thanks so much Walti for your sweet comment. It really helps, since sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to control those voices but I guess we really can't or couldn't at the time. I don't want to hurt myself, just want to be happy but the damage is done. I'm up for a chat any time you want :) I'm really sorry you had to go through that last attempt, wow I just wish for pain and suffering to cease to exist for all of us. I know we all just want to be happy and isolation is a big burden and an important factor in considering ctb for many of us. Your empathy is priceless, thanks so much!

That's a good point, would you ctb if you were left alone for say a week? Is your plan flawless?

I don't think I would now. I have an appointment for deep brain stimulation for my depression in two weeks, I really hope I can make it that far. However every minute is torture, I am thinking about ctb 24/7

 

[russlinjimmies]

I live alone and think eventually the pull to CTB will be overwhelming, but so far it hasn't. The strongest urge I ever had was man years ago when I was still married when I would hear the call every day but having a wife and kids around kept me from acting. The call isn't quite the same now but having no one around means I'm more likely to act when the time comes.

I'm truly sorry that you are experiencing this and hope you can find ways to cope and that they eventually pass. For me I'm somewhat in the opposite state of mind in that I'd rather act when I'm alone than risk someone finding the end result.