I'm need to do a little bit of a rant, thank you for the people on this forum who allow me to do this.
My whole life I've been a scapegoat. It's a pattern that no matter how hard I've tried, I've failed to break away from. It's ingrained in me that it almost has a life of its own, operating on a collective unseen level beyond the phsyical realm. That is why I am ready to cbt. I finally realise ive exhausted all options and that there is no other way to end it. I do not want to keep playing the role of scapegoat anymore.
I was the scapegoat in my family. I was raised as the one who took the blame for everything, for my parents who were perfectionists and could never do any wrong, and my sister who was the perfect golden child. They projected onto me and I took the blame like a good little girl for their failings, weaknesses, mistakes, sicknesses and sins as my parents were Christians. I was brought up to believe I was being punished by God for my weaknesses and evil ways. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I could never live up to my parents standards and expectations and was continually blamed for letting them down. Eventually I learnt that they only ever wanted me to fullfill the role of their scapegoat so they could feel better about themselves. I had no self esteem, felt ashamed, worthless, depressed and lost in the world with no direction or sense of self. This is how I approached my teenage years and early 20s. I didn't have money, looks, resources etc to help me get out of the rut, while I was continually being scapegoated.
All I had was passion and a little bit of brains, no more than average. So I decided to go back to school, finish my education and go to uni. I became an environmental educator. I struggled with low self esteem and depression and a disability that made it difficult, but i was driven and determined to nurture and stand up the environment, in a way that I needed nurturing myself, but never received. For a while things were good and it looked like I could break free from the cycle of abuse. But without me being aware, it was still operating. I became the scapegoat of political and narcissistic agendas where I was working. Someone had there eye on my job. My colleague had a supportive husband and was able to leave. I had no such support at all. I contacted Ross River virus and was forced to leave to look after elderly mother who had become ill. I hoped to get back into the field of work but it was so cut throat, it never happened. Instead I got trapped back into the family cycle of abuse and scapegoating.
After my mother died, I was left caring for my father who can be very abusive. I realise some would say that I had a choice and I should not of gone back. But I had little money and no support. I just could not get another job no matter how hard I tried, even in other fields of work, no one would give me a break. It felt like society was scapegoating me too. This is partly my fault. I am quiet, always struggled with low self esteem and depression and bad anxiety, But I'm also tiny and look weak, I'm not very attractive, I have a noticable tremor and I just look like a vulnerable target that can easily be taken advantage of by others.
I go to the gym now when the depression is not crippling me and I lift weights as I'm tierd of looking so small and vulnerable. But it doesn't help. My relationships have taken the same pattern over the years. I haven't had much choice when it comes to men, as Im not very attractive. The men that I have always attractive have been similar to my father in the sense that they have denied and proecjed their crap onto me and always made me out to be the one at fault for their failings and weaknesses. I never got married, I was never good, attractive, positive, rich enough.
I realise that playing the scapegoat was my role in life. I want to come to terms with it before I go. It was forced onto me but I also played a part. I don't want to be angry about it anymore, blame myself or others. I just want it to end.
I wonder how many other people on here feel there life has just been one of playing the scapegoat which they have never been able to escape from?
My whole life I've been a scapegoat. It's a pattern that no matter how hard I've tried, I've failed to break away from. It's ingrained in me that it almost has a life of its own, operating on a collective unseen level beyond the phsyical realm. That is why I am ready to cbt. I finally realise ive exhausted all options and that there is no other way to end it. I do not want to keep playing the role of scapegoat anymore.
I was the scapegoat in my family. I was raised as the one who took the blame for everything, for my parents who were perfectionists and could never do any wrong, and my sister who was the perfect golden child. They projected onto me and I took the blame like a good little girl for their failings, weaknesses, mistakes, sicknesses and sins as my parents were Christians. I was brought up to believe I was being punished by God for my weaknesses and evil ways. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I could never live up to my parents standards and expectations and was continually blamed for letting them down. Eventually I learnt that they only ever wanted me to fullfill the role of their scapegoat so they could feel better about themselves. I had no self esteem, felt ashamed, worthless, depressed and lost in the world with no direction or sense of self. This is how I approached my teenage years and early 20s. I didn't have money, looks, resources etc to help me get out of the rut, while I was continually being scapegoated.
All I had was passion and a little bit of brains, no more than average. So I decided to go back to school, finish my education and go to uni. I became an environmental educator. I struggled with low self esteem and depression and a disability that made it difficult, but i was driven and determined to nurture and stand up the environment, in a way that I needed nurturing myself, but never received. For a while things were good and it looked like I could break free from the cycle of abuse. But without me being aware, it was still operating. I became the scapegoat of political and narcissistic agendas where I was working. Someone had there eye on my job. My colleague had a supportive husband and was able to leave. I had no such support at all. I contacted Ross River virus and was forced to leave to look after elderly mother who had become ill. I hoped to get back into the field of work but it was so cut throat, it never happened. Instead I got trapped back into the family cycle of abuse and scapegoating.
After my mother died, I was left caring for my father who can be very abusive. I realise some would say that I had a choice and I should not of gone back. But I had little money and no support. I just could not get another job no matter how hard I tried, even in other fields of work, no one would give me a break. It felt like society was scapegoating me too. This is partly my fault. I am quiet, always struggled with low self esteem and depression and bad anxiety, But I'm also tiny and look weak, I'm not very attractive, I have a noticable tremor and I just look like a vulnerable target that can easily be taken advantage of by others.
I go to the gym now when the depression is not crippling me and I lift weights as I'm tierd of looking so small and vulnerable. But it doesn't help. My relationships have taken the same pattern over the years. I haven't had much choice when it comes to men, as Im not very attractive. The men that I have always attractive have been similar to my father in the sense that they have denied and proecjed their crap onto me and always made me out to be the one at fault for their failings and weaknesses. I never got married, I was never good, attractive, positive, rich enough.
I realise that playing the scapegoat was my role in life. I want to come to terms with it before I go. It was forced onto me but I also played a part. I don't want to be angry about it anymore, blame myself or others. I just want it to end.
I wonder how many other people on here feel there life has just been one of playing the scapegoat which they have never been able to escape from?
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