Are some of us meant to be used and abused for life?

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I reflect on my life a lot, almost every day. I think about my traumas, triggers, and life story. How I was first absued by my mom, and nobody cared. Even when I told my neighbors, they believed my mom was a good person. Even in her passing, they still act as if she was a good woman. Only they didnt know she abused me to suicide

Then at school it wasn't any better. I was picked don for being quiet and shy. Likely due to the trauma and poor self esteem/confidence. Anyways, I was pushed physically and called named. Heck I was hit with rubber bands by some older students. I was hated for whatever reason. Even my teacher yelled at me and made me cry often. Ugh, I should have killed myself at age 7

I was also abused in every other school I was put in. In high school I was called names, had my shirt inked up by another girl, cursed at, etc. And of course, I spoke up but nobody cared. I should have killed mysel at 13

And then college, where it was supposed to get better. But I got sexually assaulted multiple times, bullied, and abused. And I spoke up about it and.....yu guessed it....nothign happened

Maybe I am impulsive now but I just want to take a kitchen knife and slice my throat. Just take a knife, the sharpest one, and put it next to my throat. I will slowly cont to three

1


2



3!

*SLICE*

I would have dug my skin hard enough to start bleeding out and collapse. I would have given all my abusers what they wanted. I would have given them their justice. I would have finally been at peace. Sometimes no matter what we do we are not loved. I am one of them

 

[Life sucks]

No, we aren't meant to be abused. We existed in a wrong life that make us suffer and make some of us be abused. Don't blame yourself for life and other people's wrongs.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

No, we aren't meant to be abused. We existed in a wrong life that make us suffer and make some of us be abused. Don't blame yourself for life and other people's wrongs.

Thats an interesting perspective. Existing in a wrong life that makes us suffer.....I mean if I die now I might be given a better life. Just keep rolling the die over and over I guess

 

[Life sucks]

Thats an interesting perspective. Existing in a wrong life that makes us suffer.....I mean if I die now I might be given a better life. Just keep rolling the die over and over I guess

I mean life as a whole and not a single life. Its systemically about suffering and abusing is a part of it. Unfortunately humans refuse to admit that and continue abusing each other while glorifying life.

 

[Garbage Person]

That's terrible. I wish you didn't have to grow up being a victim of so much abuse during what seems to be the entire duration of your coming of age. I know I can't say anything that takes that away and my youth wasn't quite the same, but I think you're awesome for not being one of the abusive dirt bags. I know that doesn't make up for it from your perspective most likely, but from the outside looking in, you're beautiful for that. I'd hate to see anyone in that situation just follow suit and abuse themselves on top of it all. You deserve so much better for not becoming a monster after it all.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

That's terrible. I wish you didn't have to grow up being a victim of so much abuse during what seems to be the entire duration of your coming of age. I know I can't say anything that takes that away and my youth wasn't quite the same, but I think you're awesome for not being one of the abusive dirt bags. I know that doesn't make up for it from your perspective most likely, but from the outside looking in, you're beautiful for that. I'd hate to see anyone in that situation just follow suit and abuse themselves on top of it all. You deserve so much better for not becoming a monster after it all.

These days I get sinister thoughts of hurting my abusers. But I feel like if I said it here I'd totally get banned lol. I have so much hatred I want to....do things. Anyways, suicide for me will be my ultimate escape and fuck you to the universe

 

[Garbage Person]

Eh, those thoughts don't make you a monster, the actions could but maybe it would be deserved for those people, especially if they never changed their way. There's a difference between passion driven justice and being an asshole.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Eh, those thoughts don't make you a monster, the actions could but maybe it would be deserved for those people, especially if they never changed their way. There's a difference between passion driven justice and being an asshole.

Right.....you gotta point

something else ive been thinking. It wouldnt be so bad if I died by suicide. Beyond the "we all Gotta die someday" some people aren't strong enough to rise above their trauma

There was a girl in the Netherlands who starved herself due to being raped multiple times started at age 10. She requested to die and was denied so she starved herself. She did her best and had decided after some time it wasn't worth it to continue. In a way, I envy that she was able to die.

 

[Garbage Person]

I don't even have words for those cases really. The idea of your existence boiling down to being an object is absolutely disgusting and the kind of thing that can easily skew anyone's view on society towards the negative. The only positive takeaway is that it's definitely not the norm. People are selfish, but most people in civilized spaces are raised in a manner that they won't become rapists. Rape is a subject I just can't wrap my head around. Even if I wasn't raised the way I was, I just can't imagine subjecting someone to it. Rape and pedophilia are the two things where I just simply can't even. Beastiality as well, but that's still not as bad. Due to where we're at, I totally get it. Life feeds on life and it gets old being a part of it and constantly watching it transpire before your very eyes, everyday.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I don't even have words for those cases really. The idea of your existence boiling down to being an object is absolutely disgusting and the kind of thing that can easily skew anyone's view on society towards the negative. The only positive takeaway is that it's definitely not the norm. People are selfish, but most people in civilized spaces are raised in a manner that they won't become rapists. Rape is a subject I just can't wrap my head around. Even if I wasn't raised the way I was, I just can't imagine subjecting someone to it. Rape and pedophilia are the two things where I just simply can't even. Beastiality as well, but that's still not as bad. Due to where we're at, I totally get it. Life feeds on life and it gets old being a part of it and constantly watching it transpire before your very eyes, everyday.

Yeah my heart broke for her too. I haven't even been raped (yet) and my heart aches for her. Still.....tbh I think one day I might jump off a bridge for real. One day when I have had a enough I'll do it

 

[Emily123]

i was abused and even raped a number of times when I was a teenager . it affected many things in my life but i survived it and the damage is !00% under my control now . if i ctb, it's not for what happened for me in the past . i can understand your feelings .But it maybe the time to move on

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

i was abused and even raped a number of times when I was a teenager . it affected many things in my life but i survived it and the damage is !00% under my control now . if i ctb, it's not for what happened for me in the past . i can understand your feelings .But it maybe the time to move on

Thank you for responding. However I find it difficult to move on. There are many factors in my life that has me in this mind state beyond what I have shared here so it's not as simple.

 

[Garbage Person]

I won't lie, it hurts to read. I would hope we could all pull it together and find a better way. I just hope you find peace in some manner. If that is a decision you make, I would hope your last days and moments are calm and the act is just. If you ever feel like venting or sharing those hostile thoughts, I certainly don't judge and I'm always down to chat, it's all I have to offer. My trigger is corrupt cops. Everytime I see one those fuckers kill someone in cold blood, I want to jump in my car, find them, and make them bite the curb. I guess I'm tit for tat when it comes to murder, no idea if that would put me next in line or not, not that I'd mind lol.