Anyone who's been here awhile actively planning?

[CantDoIt]

If you've been here awhile and actually plan on ctb-ing, why have you delayed it so far?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Unfinished business, but working on it.

 

[Exitwings]

Do you mean if we have a full plan or just if we plan to CTB in general?

I'm stuck trying to find a method.

 

[rozeske]

Quite a few reasons, some logical and some silly ones. Like waiting for major events to pass so as not to have it be associated with my death, Waiting for the pregnant ones to give birth, having too much anxiety and panic last minute, deciding to just sleep in and postponing for next day then doing the same thing, wanting to have another week of spoiling myself, change of method, money trouble for ctb plans....the list goes on. Most of it is just me subconsciously wanting to live another day. SI is a bitch!

 

[CantDoIt]

Do you mean if we have a full plan or just if we plan to CTB in general?

I'm stuck trying to find a method.

Just in general! I get you on the plan thing. I have one but I don't know how much I like it!

Quite a few reasons, some logical and some silly ones. Like waiting for major events to pass so as not to have it be associated with my death, Waiting for the pregnant ones to give birth, having too much anxiety and panic last minute, deciding to just sleep in and postponing for next day then doing the same thing, wanting to have another week of spoiling myself, change of method, money trouble for ctb plans....the list goes on. Most of it is just me subconsciously wanting to live another day. SI is a bitch!

I totally get you! I have to finish some stuff before I do it and I guess SI is there too. Hate it!

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Over time my situation that made me suicidal calmed down and as follows I became less suicidal. However, I have a plan in the case my situation gets worse again.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

When I was actively suicidal I was in a way I have never been before. I was calm, calculated, very rational. Sad and scared but so determined, really felt like I had exhausted all options. My psychologist thought I was going through a chemical imbalance, because nothing in my life justified that level of suicidality.

I went to the crisis team, they put me on medication and some weeks after it curbed my suicidality and I haven't felt that way since.

It actually made me very scared because I felt like I couldn't trust my own judgement. That if I had gone through with it, I would have died needlessly.

Now I don't know what to think. I'm miserable as always but not actively suicidal.

 

[Themogger]

If you've been here awhile and actually plan on ctb-ing, why have you delayed it so far?

Don't know where to buy shit

 

[Jon Arbuckle]

If you've been here awhile and actually plan on ctb-ing, why have you delayed it so far?

the SN method was a bit daunting to me at first because of the large list of drugs I needed to take, but I think I'm gonna try it if I can somehow get ahold of SN

 

[CantDoIt]

the SN method was a bit daunting to me at first because of the large list of drugs I needed to take, but I think I'm gonna try it if I can somehow get ahold of SN

The SN method is still a little daunting but if I can get sedatives I have everything else I need!

 

[Reflection]

I've been constantly thinking about ending in for a year now, waiting for things to get better...but they only kept getting worse and worse. So now I'm actively planning and preparing for a method, while still holding on to whatever hope I have left for a few months...if nothing changes, I'll be going in 2-3 months.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

.

 

[allKae]

I've been here for a while, but after a few attempts I'm holding on to this feeling for certain reasons. I just want to be able to do it next time... this feeling won't be contained for long.

 

[willitpass]

Failed SN in October 2020. Had a brief recovery period and wasn't on the site. Since I've been back I've had a few near attempts and as of a few weeks ago one real but impulsive attempt. PTSD from my survived attempts has made SI near impossible to overcome up until a few weeks ago. Currently waiting for my prescriptions to refill, then I plan on CTB in two weeks and a couple days. I can't say I ever thought I would become one of the longest members here. Most people from before/around my time have either CTB or moved on from the site.

 

[CantDoIt]

Failed SN in October 2020. Had a brief recovery period and wasn't on the site. Since I've been back I've had a few near attempts and as of a few weeks ago one real but impulsive attempt. PTSD from my survived attempts has made SI near impossible to overcome up until a few weeks ago. Currently waiting for my prescriptions to refill, then I plan on CTB in two weeks and a couple days. I can't say I ever thought I would become one of the longest members here. Most people from before/around my time have either CTB or moved on from the site.

I'm sorry you've struggled so much. I am trying to make my first attempt also my last. May I ask you how you were able to overcome SI after it strengthened due to your failed attempts?

 

[willitpass]

I'm sorry you've struggled so much. I am trying to make my first attempt also my last. May I ask you how you were able to overcome SI after it strengthened due to your failed attempts?

It took almost four years for me to be able to attempt again, and I think it's just that I've been worn thin. My desire to die has become stronger than my trauma. I'm still scared shitless, the fear of surviving this next attempt is almost paralyzing. But I'm exhausted and ready to get out of here once and for all. There was no straw that broke the camels back, more of just a constant strain that's exhausted me from being able to continue any longer. I found with my attempt a few weeks ago that in order to overcome the SI I have to force myself to not think about the action, to just do it on autopilot. That's how I plan to overcome the inevitable fear in a couple of weeks. No thinking allowed, take the damn pills and the thinking can come later. Don't think, just put the bag over my head and I can think while I drift off to sleep.

 

[Davey40210]

Yeah I joined not too long ago and have been trying, but found out about SI .

My plan is now to do it on 27 Sept, the anniversary of my ex which marks the point at which I realized I will always destroy my own happiness and so I should end it.

 

[Redleaf1992]

Mood swings and guilt for family definitely keep delaying for me.

The most frustrating thing is trying to get everything in order first. Want to clean out my flat and organise my stuff so my family doesn't have to, but it's really hard. Like last week decided to CTB this coming Tuesday, and on Friday felt motivated to do it all over the weekend. Instead though didn't get out of bed until gone 5pm, and today till it time to visit parents. Almost every week I plan to clean but just get messier.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

When I was actively suicidal I was in a way I have never been before. I was calm, calculated, very rational. Sad and scared but so determined, really felt like I had exhausted all options. My psychologist thought I was going through a chemical imbalance, because nothing in my life justified that level of suicidality.

I went to the crisis team, they put me on medication and some weeks after it curbed my suicidality and I haven't felt that way since.

It actually made me very scared because I felt like I couldn't trust my own judgement. That if I had gone through with it, I would have died needlessly.

Now I don't know what to think. I'm miserable as always but not actively suicidal.

Can I ask what medication you went on? You can pm me if preferred. No reply is cool too ofc

 

[Degen]

Sometimes things might get better, but it keeps getting worse
I have bad memory and get too frustrated with planning too

 

[wCvML2]

Overthinking my plans, changing dates all the time, scared I might fail. Also my mind is easily distracted, so I procrastinate a lot.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Can I ask what medication you went on? You can pm me if preferred. No reply is cool too ofc

Yes, they put me on Sertraline, Risperidone, Zolpiclone and Lorazepam (this one for when I had psychotic episodes).
Reading back my own comment, the one you replied to, I also think my suicidality was curbed because I started experiencing psychotic symptoms like never before and that really affected my life and how sound of mind I considered myself. Those symptoms scared me so much and took over my daily life so much that I think suicidality had to take a back seat. I was terrified and I still am, of going through it again.