Anyone who failed college due to depression?

[Bitterman1996]

I'm at the point where I fail spectacularly after dropping out very late into a bachelor course (pre-med) due to depression, now honestly I'm into my early 20s and just have no direction. Beside drawing I genuinely have no other skill, on top of being depressed, as much as I want to die I don't think I'm at the point where I could pull it off. All in all honestly I just want to listen if someone has similar experience / advice...

I feel I'm practically dead as a person with little social connection nor skills to do job well. My art got worse due to depression too. I'm not currently in therapy since I don't know think the pandemic would be a good time to get in touch... Honestly this is my first time posting here and I feel nervous. I'm rambling but at worst, if I need to take myself out, I find that SN is fairly easy and cheap here $2 to buy (idk if they're the correct one but I found lots of listing online)

 

[leiche]

relatable af, the only difference is that i dropped out due to my social phobia. i have no skills except writing, but it doesn't seem useful nowadays, does it? if you want to ctb, my advice is to make a list of things you wanna do before you go, like, you know, going to a concert, travelling. if you don't want to - calm down and think about way you could solve your problems. i decided to ctb, but first i have to earn money 'cause i want to travel, in september-october i will try to find a job. who knows, maybe things will get better? but does it matter if i'll die anyway?

don't be nervous, we all understand you and wish you only well

 

[Squiddy]

I almost failed plenty of times because I was constantly going to the psych ward, but managed to make it through and get my associate's. I wanna go for my bachelor's, but am afraid I might fail.

 

[onlyeverexisting]

I wish I could give you something besides solidarity dude. I'm in the exact same position. Early 20s, no direction whatsoever, had to drop out of college twice because of depression. I've isolated myself from pretty much everyone in my life, and the only people I talk to semi-regularly besides my mom and siblings are my therapist and psychiatrist. I'm a musician- well, it's probably more appropriate to say was at this point- but I've lost all drive to do that as well. I don't touch any of my instruments or sing anymore. Been out of work for a few months now. I have absolutely nothing going for me honestly.

Funny enough, I've had a bottle of SN for about 6 months now for the same reason. It's weird knowing eternity is sitting about 4 feet away from me right now. If I don't throw it up, I could be dead in 20 minutes. I'm not sure why I haven't, considering I've attempted twice before, and SN has a significantly smaller margin of error than a couple of bottles of tylenol.

I hate giving cliches, but trying to find new hobbies takes the pressure off a little sometimes. I took up motorcycling at the start of the pandemic, and I think its genuinely helped with mindfulness since it forces you to be physically and mentally present. Expensive hobby, I know- (I'd saved up for awhile) but anything that is accessible and even vaguely interesting to you right now is worth trying. I also think its worth trying to find a therapist anyway if you have the energy. If you think about it, you really can't have another kind of relationship irl that's focused entirely on you and your problems.

I'm not on here a lot, but my dms are open if you ever want to talk.

 

[PhilipBrush]

I was exactly like you. In my case I got super obsessive with drawing. I spent most of my time drawing cartoons, not socialising with people or properly studying. I barely slept and often skipped my meals. Years after I ended up having tennis elbow. I couldn't draw anymore. After the graduation I tried to ctb by carbon monoxide poisoning but failed.

So I guess my advice for you is whatever you do, don't push yourself too much. Take care.

 

[Untitled7321]

I'm with you my dude. I Failed 1st year because of depression, joined the army failed at that too. I'm now at my last attempt; going to try trades. I'm at my last try; if I fail this, im done.

 

[LenkaX]

I had a depression followed by a psychosis followed by the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder in the second year of the university. Nevertheless I managed to finish it. (and it wasn't an easy uni)

 

[pdyduc]

I totally dropped out of college when I was 18 (Im 19) due to depression and generally bad anxiety. I cried every night after class. Maybe it was because it was a new city/ not knowing anybody. I feel you man, it's really difficult when life goes a different way that you expect.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I actually dropped out of University when I was 21 because it was getting too hard just to commute for 40 minutes to go to university everyday. My animation degree also wasn't working out for me either since I was objectively the worst at drawing and I didn't have the patience or attention span to improve. Several times I almost went through CTB. Once by trying to jump but I was stopped by there being no Tall enough buildings around me. Another time I thought of crushing up and burning the charcoal that I used as a drawing medium for one of my classes, I was stopped by not being able to have access to anything that could burn it. Yet another time I thought I could die by ingesting some of the blue paint I was using (it was highly toxic) but I just threw it all up immediately.

After that I took two years off school to fuck around and do nothing but then in 2016 I started over by going to community college to get a Business degree which is basically just an exercise in bullshitting because I haven't retained any of it yet I'm about to graduate. I'm only bothering to get a degree at all because I want my mom off my case about it.

 

[Bitterman1996]

Late reply but Thank you for the responses. I dropped out very late into the course without my practically useless BA too so it feels devastating. Honestly I think I'll try for 2-3 years and maybe ctb if nothing improves on my part..

 

[iDieUDie80]

I just had to unenroll in fall classes for this semester because of partial hospitalization. Probably would be worse had I pursued classes whilst suffering from severe OCD and other mental health issues. Hopefully there aren't repercussions for this if I live to 2021.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i got kicked out of the beginning of grade 11 thanks to my parents. now im too mentally f'ed up to get my GEDs

 

[alexit]

Big reason I dropped out of my PhD programme.

 

[self destructing]

No advice OP, just that I can relate. I didn't fail university - I actually just graduated, but barely. My bachelor's feels quite useless. I had to take time off for multiple years (culminating in the last hiatus, which featured multiple hospitalizations), my transcript is a fucking mess of incompletes and dropped courses, and without fail each semester ended in a major depressive episode. It also took me something like 12 years, off and on, to get this degree.

I should note I have crippling perfectionism, centring heavily on academic performance. Through masochistic grit, I was able to live up (mostly) to my exacting standards through high school, and got into a good postsecondary program as a result.

But now I'm out the other end with a horrible GPA, cratered self-esteem, a nebulous set of soft skills that have atrophied during my time off, and a resume blighted by mental illness and short-circuited opportunities/jobs (in my more uncharitable moments, I blame my dearth of work experience on laziness and ineptitude). I feel very selfish when I ponder suicide. On an abstract level, I know I am my own worst enemy. But I don't know how to fight myself. I seem doomed to cycle between taking on way too much to prove I am not a worthless piece of shit, and then collapsing when it inevitably proves to be too much.

 

[Shades of Grey]

For those feeling discouraged and wanting to pursue a degree, it took me a decade to get my bachelor's for mental health reasons... combination of chronic/recurrent severe major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADD. Flunking out, dropping out, having to ease my way back in part time... I did it all. Repeatedly. I was kicked out of community college and had to beg/back door my way into the fourth chance program I was eventually accepted into.

Ultimately, I went on to graduate and earn a professional degree. My undergraduate advisor laughed (among other things) when I told him what career I wanted to pursue. Told me I'd never get in. He was wrong. (And an asshole, but I digress.)

Ultimately, (if I'm being honest), I deeply regret that choice. I hated academia, and am not wired for the demanding, high-stress field I managed to weasel my way into. I should have pursued art or a trade.

That said, if you're considering CTB in part because of academic struggles, know that you are not alone, and it isn't hopeless.

 

[ladolcemorte]

I managed to get through 3 post secondary degrees. Having said that, the university accommodated my illness on several occasions. (Eg dropping certain courses after the deadline, makeup exams after missing the exam due to being in the hospital). Don't be afraid to ask for whatever accommodations you might need. (I can't guarantee you will get them, but you can always ask...)

I have, however, failed in life due to my illnesses (bipolar 2, adhd, and bulimia). I have destroyed several jobs due to my reduced ability to cope with stress. I am currently on disability and my future at my current job is unknown, but I am predicting the worst.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Big reason I dropped out of my PhD programme.

same. what was your phd in?

 

[Mr2005]

No I failed because I was too busy fucking around. I always planned to go back but it never happened. Never really knew what I wanted to do so I decided to fuck around full time. That was 17 years ago and it fills me with horror

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I thought I only had mental illnesses until it turned out I was chronically physically ill for a long time.

What was your physical illness?

 

[self destructing]

For those feeling discouraged and wanting to pursue a degree, it took me a decade to get my bachelor's for mental health reasons... combination of chronic/recurrent severe major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADD. Flunking out, dropping out, having to ease my way back in part time... I did it all. Repeatedly. I was kicked out of community college and had to beg/back door my way into the fourth chance program I was eventually accepted into.

Ultimately, I went on to graduate and earn a professional degree. My undergraduate advisor laughed (among other things) when I told him what career I wanted to pursue. Told me I'd never get in. He was wrong. (And an asshole, but I digress.)

Ultimately, (if I'm being honest), I deeply regret that choice. I hated academia, and am not wired for the demanding, high-stress field I managed to weasel my way into. I should have pursued art or a trade.

That said, if you're considering CTB in part because of academic struggles, know that you are not alone, and it isn't hopeless.

Thanks for sharing. What motivated you to keep you going through all that school?

You voiced deep regret about choosing college, and the path down which it led to a high pressure career. I suspect I am not wired for that path, either. I'm still clinging to the fantasy, though. I fear the only way I can let go is if it is wrested from me, or if I learn for myself that it is nothing but bitter ashes.

 

[draw a circle]

I feel I'm practically dead as a person with little social connection nor skills to do job well.

Same. I'm at my last year (supposedly) of college and I keep putting off working on my thesis. I'm super bad at social and work skills and I missed my internship (which I probably should do like last year). I fucked up a lot of things. I'm also not on therapy because I don't want to burden my parents with needing more money. I'm this close to ending it all. Even if I graduate it will only get harder I have to get a job and whatever I'm fucking tired of talking to people with power over me :/ I don't mind working but fuck bureaucracy dude I might just work in a convenience store or a cafe for the first year.

All in all honestly I just want to listen if someone has similar experience / advice...

You're not alone in this. I don't have any good advice to say, but if you wanna talk, I'm here.

 

[alexit]

same. what was your phd in?

Media

 

[Sinai Silence]

I failed to get through my second year of university. I was doing History and just simply failed to be motivated enough to do anything. I tried these group therapy sessions at the uni which were embarrassing to say the least. Now i owe the government a load of money and accomplished absolutely nothing in return.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

I am currently at university, and have done very well up until this year. I think I've finally started to decline. I'm going to take some time off.

 

[alexit]

I am currently at university, and have done very well up until this year. I think I've finally started to decline. I'm going to take some time off.

If I had to do it again, one thing I would do is access university resources earlier. Administrators and professors can be surprisingly understanding. It's up to you how much you want to share; my point is just don't count out getting some support from the institution.

 

[draw a circle]

sigh i wish i took the time off earlier. i already spent two years doing nothing but can't improve my situation because all i'm doing is stressing out.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

To share my story... in my third year of undergrad I failed half of my courses and did very poorly on the others. This was after two years of getting almost straight As. I had a major depressive episode and was dealing with suicidal ideation during this entire time. I ended up going back, and I finished my degree. Eventually, I earned a doctorate and became a college professor. All this just to say that failure in college is not the end. If you need to take a break; if now isn't the right time for you - take that break. You can always pick back up later.

 

[Shades of Grey]

Thanks for sharing. What motivated you to keep you going through all that school?

You voiced deep regret about choosing college, and the path down which it led to a high pressure career. I suspect I am not wired for that path, either. I'm still clinging to the fantasy, though. I fear the only way I can let go is if it is wrested from me, or if I learn for myself that it is nothing but bitter ashes.

I guess I thought that it might change things. I was raised in an environment where academics were prioritized to an unhealthy degree. As a hyperlexic child (reading the newspaper at two, self taught), there were a lot of presumptions made about my aptitudes that weren't necessarily accurate. People were talking about graduate programs while I was still in diapers. I hated school, but didn't realize I had other viable options. It's so hard to abandon those expectations...

 

[I_love_to_bake]

I guess I thought that it might change things. I was raised in an environment where academics were prioritized to an unhealthy degree. As a hyperlexic child (reading the newspaper at two, self taught), there were a lot of presumptions made about my aptitudes that weren't necessarily accurate. People were talking about graduate programs while I was still in diapers. I hated school, but didn't realize I had other viable options. It's so hard to abandon those expectations...

Exactly. It is hard to not fit in to the expectations people have for you. People have always told me I am so smart and because of that I must be obligated to get a competetive college degree. But I dropped out after intense hallucinations and anxiety and sleeplessness. I still feel like a total dissapointment and nobody in my life has any respect for me. To be honest, I don't think they ever did, but now that I have dropped out they show it more, maybe. I hope your future works out.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I am failing right now because too depressed to study and don't really care about the future anymore