Method Anyone tried suicide by apathy?

[wait.what]

I'm at the stupid hospital because of a combo of shit health habits and pure apathy. (I mean to mildly curse the hospital, not that it's a special hospital for stupid people. Although if there were such a place, I'd go.)

I'm getting up there in years, my genetics are terrible, and I've recently gone back to binge drinking. That's the same collection of factors that killed my mom when she was about my age. I'm not desperate to ctb right now, I just don't care enough to bother staying alive.

I'm here at the hospital because I have endless dry heaves and I want them to stop. I'm mildly annoyed that this is probably life-prolonging.

It would be nice to care about something and feel like I have a reason to live, but I can't think of anything. I've had a full life, mostly dedicated to service in one form or another. I've gone places and done stuff. I'm fortunate that I have a lot of people who care about me. Really I'm mostly still alive because I don't want to hurt them. Grief sucks, and people take suicide very personally, like it's about them somehow. (It isn't.) It's just that my predominant experience of life is that it has been very painful. I've got treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder, and since I had covid in 2020 I've developed a lot of autoimmune shit, including a rather nasty form of arthritis.

I'm just tired of being tired. I don't want to go through the rigamarole of caring for a failing body while I shamble around, already feeling dead inside.

I'm going to survive my current visit to the hospital (which is not only for stupid people, but I bet the stupid are overrepresented in the ER patient population). Sooner or later I won't, though. I give it 1-5 years, tops. That's kind of sad, but I'm okay with it. Dying from some medical condition I ignored doesn't even technically count as suicide, so I could probably leave my bf a decent life insurance payout. I like to think he'd rather have me alive, but I'm sure some financial security would be welcome. We're both on disability and therefore destitute, but my family has money, and I do contribute to his family.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Nowhere. Medical neglect is not a great method—it's painful and takes a long time. It's probably the way I'll go out, though.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

It only just occurred to me from reading this that I could potentially let my (incredibly slowly progressing, likely never fatal short of sepsis) physical shit to be the cause of my death. But it's probably because I'm soooo far from that point - I guess this is more of an "option" when you're closer. Maybe it depends too on what the cause is, but do you think the will to live may run afoul of your plans? I would expect a longer, more agonizing exit would just give you all the more time to be biologically hijacked...but maybe it'd be the opposite?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

If I had cancer, I would let it go untreated, as painful as that would be. At least then death would be guaranteed instead of waiting out 40+ years to die of old age.

 

[Mthom2]

I strongly believe that this happens much more frequently than most people realize.

 

[MellowAvenue]

I strongly believe that this happens much more frequently than most people realize.

Whether intentionally or not, it absolutely does. People give up and the body responds in kind over time.