Anyone not want to CTB but feel like they need to?

[trappedmamma]

I keep screwing up and ruining people's lives. I can't do it anymore. I wish I died years ago before I destroyed my life and taking others with me. I want to get better but I can't undo what I've done. I can't be independent. I was hoping to at least wait a few months. But now my dad (who has helped me so much over the years) is being sued because he co-signed a lease for me and I don't have the documents for him. I don't want to leave my son, but I'm a monster who can't give him all that he deserves. He would be better off with his grandparents. I wish I did this before he could remember me. Now I probably have to do this soon and I don't have a method.

 

[annointed_towers]

Yes, I'm backed into a corner.

 

[Sleeper System]

I keep screwing up and ruining people's lives. I can't do it anymore. I wish I died years ago before I destroyed my life and taking others with me. I want to get better but I can't undo what I've done. I can't be independent. I was hoping to at least wait a few months. But now my dad (who has helped me so much over the years) is being sued because he co-signed a lease for me and I don't have the documents for him. I don't want to leave my son, but I'm a monster who can't give him all that he deserves. He would be better off with his grandparents. I wish I did this before he could remember me. Now I probably have to do this soon and I don't have a method.

The choices we make define the course of our lives. Accountability is a hard pill to swallow for most people.
Your father and son have no fault in the decisions you make but they will certainly feel that when it's all said and done.
Everyone has to follow their own path in life and sometimes things are beyond your control or influence.
Your son couldn't do anything about how you were feeling and the decision you made to leave. They will hopefully grow older and find a way to accept that.
or it could break them completely and lead them down a path of self destruction and suffering. Every choice is a gamble. The dice are in your hands.
You can only put on the line what you feel comfortable betting. Think long and hard about your choice. This is one you can't take back.

 

[Al_stargate]

Yeah I used to love life but now it's all ruined and there is no way out but dying.

 

[Sleeper System]

To answer your question, I think I could live happily in a different life situation but that's not reality.
I don't know if i'll ever ctb but I accept that my mind has made up its mind (lol) that it is an option.

 

[LonelyFerret]

Definitely, many of the life choices I've made have left me with no real other options. I've absolutely tanked my credit with all the missed payments and debt I've occurred all while working a full time job. I don't see things getting better anytime soon and I refuse to slave the rest of my life away.

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

I don't know if it's mental delusions but i feel really like its the best thing to do, a strange spiritual feeling, as if i need to do a ritual and then end it all.

I feel most days this calming "just let go" feeling, i have accomplished nothing and honestly thats all I've been fine with.

I feel life is over now, the main quest is complete and i wish to rest now.

 

[Sleeper System]

Definitely, many of the life choices I've made have left me with no real other options. I've absolutely tanked my credit with all the missed payments and debt I've occurred all while working a full time job. I don't see things getting better anytime soon and I refuse to slave the rest of my life away.

You had a full time job you say. Was there a reason you weren't or stopped paying your bills?
(Part of my dealing with depression is focusing on things I can control so I try to work on my credit) x_x

 

[trappedmamma]

The choices we make define the course of our lives. Accountability is a hard pill to swallow for most people.
Your father and son have no fault in the decisions you make but they will certainly feel that when it's all said and done.
Everyone has to follow their own path in life and sometimes things are beyond your control or influence.
Your son couldn't do anything about how you were feeling and the decision you made to leave. They will hopefully grow older and find a way to accept that.
or it could break them completely and lead them down a path of self destruction and suffering. Every choice is a gamble. The dice are in your hands.
You can only put on the line what you feel comfortable betting. Think long and hard about your choice. This is one you can't take back.

Thank you for your wise words. I just feel that there isn't a real way out that won't cause more suffering. I just want to order the guitar that he wants for his birthday next month and go. One of the things that stopped me over the years of contemplating is saying goodbye and the devastation since I've been with him since birth. If I fail, I will lose him too.

 

[Sleeper System]

Thank you for your wise words. I just feel that there isn't a real way out that won't cause more suffering. I just want to order the guitar that he wants for his birthday next month and go. One of the things that stopped me over the years of contemplating is saying goodbye and the devastation since I've been with him since birth. If I fail, I will lose him too.

I think we're lucky to live in an age where video recording exists. You can sit infront of a camera and tell him everything you want him to know.
You don't have to leave without answer all the questions you yourself would have if you were in his shoes. I would recommend doing this before going.
Also, this is a little morbid but, It's been on my mind lately for myself. I plan on taking out loans and maxing out all possible credit cards etc and leaving the money to my loved ones. Laws says when you die your debt dies with you if no one co-signed anything. Although, any assets you leave will be chased by the banks.
Luckily I myself have no assets for them to take as i'll get rid of everthing before I go. x_x

 

[ROSESARENTCUTE]

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

 

[morgueprincess]

if only i had made the right decisions when i was younger

 

[Aim]

I very much understand you, I can relate alot to this feeling. Like, i dont want to go, but the options of ever getting any better is getting very slim. Logical it's the best options, but emotional it's kinds sad.

 

[maidens]

yeah. I really don't want to ctb but there's no other option. life has hit a dead end & there's nothing else to do. and my next life is promising,,, I made a post about it earlier

 

[dumblosergirl]

I feel like the choice is no longer mine and I should be dying soon. I'm just so damn scared of it but existence has become too uncomfortable that I only think of dying as the thing to save me. So, alas, I suffer because I'm too much of a coward.

 

[LonelyFerret]

You had a full time job you say. Was there a reason you weren't or stopped paying your bills?
(Part of my dealing with depression is focusing on things I can control so I try to work on my credit) x_x

as a Veterinary Assistant. We don't get paid very well at all. When getting into the vet field, the goal was to get my degree and become a tech but I can't afford to do so with what I'm being paid.

You had a full time job you say. Was there a reason you weren't or stopped paying your bills?
(Part of my dealing with depression is focusing on things I can control so I try to work on my credit) x_x

I work as a veterinary assistant. We don't get paid very well. When I first got started in the vet field the plan was to get my degree and become a licensed tech but I simply can't afford it. I go multiple days at a time not being able to afford food, especially around the beginning of the month when my rent is due. I've been trying to get caught up on my bills but it's been rough. I kinda just gave up a few months ago because I know I won't be around much longer.

I did something similar when I first moved out on my own. I was working really hard to build my credit when I was working at my last job and getting paid a decent amount. Ever since money became a problem though, my mental health has tanked.

 

[almaPerdida]

I feel life is over now, the main quest is complete and i wish to rest now.

I resonate a lot with this. I feel like i've done what i wanted and there isn't much interesting things ahead of me. I wish there was, but there isn't.

I wish i wanted to live more but i'm so tired and lonely, i don't wanna go like this for too long. It's exhausting. I've been heartbroken far too many times and i don't wanna try again.

 

[trappedmamma]

You had a full time job you say. Was there a reason you weren't or stopped paying your bills?
(Part of my dealing with depression is focusing on things I can control so I try to work on my credit) x_x

Yes. However it's basically call center work. I had a breakdown and stopped working for awhile before returning. Then my son graduated preschool and I've been waiting years for aftercare. Then I was forced to move again and had to start the process over at a new school. I can only work when he's at school.

You had a full time job you say. Was there a reason you weren't or stopped paying your bills?
(Part of my dealing with depression is focusing on things I can control so I try to work on my credit) x_x

Yes. However it's basically call center work. I had a breakdown and stopped working for awhile before returning. Then my son graduated preschool and I've been waiting years for aftercare. Then I was forced to move again and had to start the process over at a new school. I can only work when he's at school

 

[Antoine_Roquentin]

Yes, I can totally relate. My choices brought me to this point where I don't have another way out. It's a real shame because there were some specks of light in the last months and I planned to open out to my family about my issues. I started to share some things with my mum. I should have done this sooner, then everything would be differrent. But now it is way too late, like @annointed_towers I am backed into a corner.

 

[rozeske]

I feel like I have reached at the end of a dead end road where I can't go forward and I can't turn back and my only way out is to catch that bus :(

 

[oddetoad]

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

Exactly my thoughts as well

I've been at a crossroads for too long now and I feel I have overstayed my welcome here

 

[trappedmamma]

I think we're lucky to live in an age where video recording exists. You can sit infront of a camera and tell him everything you want him to know.
You don't have to leave without answer all the questions you yourself would have if you were in his shoes. I would recommend doing this before going.
Also, this is a little morbid but, It's been on my mind lately for myself. I plan on taking out loans and maxing out all possible credit cards etc and leaving the money to my loved ones. Laws says when you die your debt dies with you if no one co-signed anything. Although, any assets you leave will be chased by the banks.
Luckily I myself have no assets for them to take as i'll get rid of everthing before I go. x_x

That's a great idea! Thank you. I have some ideas on what to say to him. It just tears me apart the thought of saying goodbye. The debts dying with you is a special bonus. I think I also have a work life insurance policy and after 3 years it would cover CTB. It's only $10K though. At least getting rid of me is priceless haha.

 

[BlazingBob]

Ctb is the last thing I want to do but my physical and mental health and circumstances don't leave me much of a choice. I'm painfully lonely and so scared right now. I have nowhere and no one to turn to. The thought of ctb is terrifying. It's definitely not what I want. What I want is a loving family and good health and the ability to actually enjoy life.

 

[letmeoutofthis]

I feel like I have to because I live in an endless pain, but I think I should wait at least 5 years to pursue my goals and then I can end this miserable existence

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Me. Maybe me dying alone will not save the world but I definitely think that more people like me dying would absolutely make the world a better place. It just takes enough of us incels to be wiped out and then people will finally be free of them.