anyone keep chickening out?

[Nikki2020]

im just scared it will be painful. i feel so frustrated with myself. every damn night i say to myself this is it and I end up falling asleep scared to wake up tmrw and here I am another day suffering. I wish this was easier. I want to do this but when the time comes my mind does stupid shit. I need to do it at night and I'm just afraid the sn might not work. I got it from ic. so it must be good stuff right? and it shouldn't be too uncomfortable? I read alot of the threads. it seems one of the more peaceful methods. I'm so mad at myself. I'm jealous of those with the courage. may they rest in peace. I wish I could get drunk to do this. I have no one else who would understand this frustration.

 

[Dot]

Hve backd out abt 8 tmes

 

[Nikki2020]

Hve backd out abt 8 tmes

I'm sorry. what keeps you from doing it? any plans to try again? I wonder how many times those who are eventually successful actually try before they are able.

 

[farakini]

When you're really tired of life and just completely, done trying, SI or fear can't get in the way. I'd have been gone already but I'm fighting to stick to the date I chose this weekend.

 

[Nikki2020]

When you're really tired of life and just completely, done trying, SI or fear can't get in the way. I'd have been gone already but I'm fighting to stick to the date I chose this weekend.

I am tho. I truly am done. but my mind races. I have bad anxiety with everything.

good luck to you. I hope peace is with you soon. how are you doing it if you don't mind me asking. ❤

 

[farakini]

I am tho. I truly am done. but my mind races. I have bad anxiety with everything.

good luck to you. I hope peace is with you soon. how are you doing it if you don't mind me asking. ❤

Thank you. I'm going by SN….the stat dose.

 

[Dot]

Mght b mre th 8 tmes

Ws goin2 go in frnt of larg-vehcles twce
Thn backd out of partl
Thn backd out of fll-suspensn
Thn multple tmes s.n
Thnk = s.i prevnts slf evry tme

Mixng s.n & thn starng @ it fr ovr 1hr b4 pourng awy

 

[Nikki2020]

Thank you. I'm going by SN….the stat dose.

I hope all goes well for you. ❤ did you get it from ic?

Mght b mre th 8 tmes

Ws goin2 go in frnt of larg-vehcles twce
Thn backd out of partl
Thn backd out of fll-suspensn
Thn multple tmes s.n
Thnk = s.i prevnts slf evry tme

Mixng s.n & thn starng @ it fr ovr 1hr b4 pourng awy

you made the glass and poured it away? that must be so frustrating.

 

[farakini]

I hope all goes well for you. ❤ did you get it from ic?

you made the glass and poured it away? that must be so frustrating.

I hope all goes well for you too. I got it from another source.

 

[Nikki2020]

I hope all goes well for you too. I got it from another source.

thank u. i hope i can do this tonight. i can't keep on living everyday. my memories and the pain doesn't stop.

 

[farakini]

You're so welcome. If it helps, thinking of all the things that made you suicidal could give u the courage. That's what usually brings me close to ctb. I wish you pure relief from your suffering.

thank u. i hope i can do this tonight. i can't keep on living everyday. my memories and the pain doesn't stop.

You'll be alright.

 

[Shiny]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Although I don't know your situation, I can sympathize with your fears. I've failed ODing, night-night, and partial hanging (multiple times) so I can relate to how much it sucks to back out of it. I think what helps most with accepting the decision to CTB, is to set a clear date. If you constantly think "I'll just do it when I can't handle this anymore" then it's a lot easier to let the fear overwhelm you and push it back. Having a set date sort of helps with the anxiety surrounding the decision, because I could let out my anxiety over time as the date approaches, instead of letting it overwhelm myself on the spontaneous date I decided to attempt.

If you're concerned about whether or not the SN is good, the blood test is the best way to test your SN. You can search for "blood test" and find a bunch of threads with helpful information.

In terms of comfortableness... that's up for debate. I can say from having experience with both, that it was significantly easier for me to mix a drink that I thought would take my life, than it was to tie a rope around my neck. Plus, I take solace in knowing that even if I screw up my SN attempt, I probably won't have any lasting effects. I have several mental side effects from failing OD, and the thought of waking up crippled from failing hanging was what made me stand up multiple times. But if you fail SN, then you probably won't have any lasting side effects other than the usual disappointment and shame that follows a failed suicide attempt.

You'll probably experience extremely rapid heart rate and a bit of difficulty breathing, but I think those are a lot more comfortable than the thought of crippling myself by failing with other methods. From failing OD, I can say that vomiting repeatedly definitely doesn't feel amazing, but like, most of us have vomited at some point in our lives, so you probably already know what to expect there. I take a bit of comfort in knowing that if even I experience these things during my attempt, then at least it will be the last bit of pain I have to feel before leaving this world.

I'm sorry again that it's a particularly difficult time for you. I hope that whatever decisions you make can lead you to the peace you deserve. ^^

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I have all the tools and endless opportunity so I'd say I'm in a constant state of chickening out.

 

[ready to go....]

I get this. I was supposed to go yesterday, not so much my fault as something got in the way, but now plan on going tomorrow. I have everything ready, it just seems that things keep getting in the way. I hope that it gets easier for you and you're able to go as you please.

 

[Mofreeko]

I had planned to do it around half way through september, but I keep kicking the can down the road. I've been enjoying not working, but my money will run out for sure in November. I know 100% I want to BE dead, but I can't quite wrap my head around the dying part. I'm not worried about pain and suffering so much as panic. I'm afraid of what might come over me as I'm sitting there literally waiting to die. God I wish I had a gun.

 

[Nikki2020]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Although I don't know your situation, I can sympathize with your fears. I've failed ODing, night-night, and partial hanging (multiple times) so I can relate to how much it sucks to back out of it. I think what helps most with accepting the decision to CTB, is to set a clear date. If you constantly think "I'll just do it when I can't handle this anymore" then it's a lot easier to let the fear overwhelm you and push it back. Having a set date sort of helps with the anxiety surrounding the decision, because I could let out my anxiety over time as the date approaches, instead of letting it overwhelm myself on the spontaneous date I decided to attempt.

If you're concerned about whether or not the SN is good, the blood test is the best way to test your SN. You can search for "blood test" and find a bunch of threads with helpful information.

In terms of comfortableness... that's up for debate. I can say from having experience with both, that it was significantly easier for me to mix a drink that I thought would take my life, than it was to tie a rope around my neck. Plus, I take solace in knowing that even if I screw up my SN attempt, I probably won't have any lasting effects. I have several mental side effects from failing OD, and the thought of waking up crippled from failing hanging was what made me stand up multiple times. But if you fail SN, then you probably won't have any lasting side effects other than the usual disappointment and shame that follows a failed suicide attempt.

You'll probably experience extremely rapid heart rate and a bit of difficulty breathing, but I think those are a lot more comfortable than the thought of crippling myself by failing with other methods. From failing OD, I can say that vomiting repeatedly definitely doesn't feel amazing, but like, most of us have vomited at some point in our lives, so you probably already know what to expect there. I take a bit of comfort in knowing that if even I experience these things during my attempt, then at least it will be the last bit of pain I have to feel before leaving this world.

I'm sorry again that it's a particularly difficult time for you. I hope that whatever decisions you make can lead you to the peace you deserve. ^^

thank you for sharing all of that. I failed at partial hanging as well.

i just hope the heart racing doesn't make me call 911. I get panic attacks that feel like that. the stupid anxiety over powers me.

I have all the tools and endless opportunity so I'd say I'm in a constant state of chickening out.

may i ask what the tools are?

im sorry you are in the same boat. ❤

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm terrified of sn not working. My worst fear is to wake up in the hospital. Plus I have guilt for the people im leaving behind but I'm trying to put myself first this time.

 

[Nikki2020]

I had planned to do it around half way through september, but I keep kicking the can down the road. I've been enjoying not working, but my money will run out for sure in November. I know 100% I want to BE dead, but I can't quite wrap my head around the dying part. I'm not worried about pain and suffering so much as panic. I'm afraid of what might come over me as I'm sitting there literally waiting to die. God I wish I had a gun.

I had planned to do it around half way through september, but I keep kicking the can down the road. I've been enjoying not working, but my money will run out for sure in November. I know 100% I want to BE dead, but I can't quite wrap my head around the dying part. I'm not worried about pain and suffering so much as panic. I'm afraid of what might come over me as I'm sitting there literally waiting to die. God I wish I had a gun.

the panic is the worst. it makes you do things you might not want to actually do. thats what im afraid of as well. :(

I'm terrified of sn not working. My worst fear is to wake up in the hospital. Plus I have guilt for the people im leaving behind but I'm trying to put myself first this time.

all these fears are legitimate. ❤ i wish i knew how to overcome them.

 

[Idontmatter]

the panic is the worst. it makes you do things you might not want to actually do. thats what im afraid of as well. :(

all these fears are legitimate. ❤ i wish i knew how to overcome them.

I wish I knew as well. I'm making another attempt in a couple of weeks. The last time si got me

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is not straightforward after all. In order to achieve true freedom from all suffering, we have to overcome the survival instinct and this can still be present even if someone has one of the more peaceful methods. If only dying is as easy as just choosing to wake again then that would be ideal but unfortunately that is not the reality. I do really envy those who have left this world, they are lucky as the non existent have no worries or concerns. Feeling trapped here really can be so dreadful.

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

Many people are in this situation. We decide to die but then courage fails us. The body is not designed to harm itself. We should all have the right to euthanasia. But since that is not the case, I have to try again.

 

[Unknown21]

Same, I feel really ashamed.

 

[lotheb_5drop]

i feel like a fraud for not following through anytime soon tbh.

 

[AlternativeBagel]

I'm actually at a major crossroads at the moment. I have an upcoming flight to the destination where I want to ctb for personal reasons and while I already have everything set up, I'm still afraid that I'll chicken out and cancel my flight.

 

[theboy]

me