Venting Anyone here overwhelmed by responsibility?

[Deleted member 1496]

Growing up, I had to compensate for my mom's sadness, listening to her vent about suicidal thoughts, her hard life, her bitterness, her misandry. I had to help with her work. For my dad, I had to compensate for his lack of English, doing his job's memos, reports, applications, taxes, even researching and deciding fixed rate or adjustable rate mortgage. So much risk, so much pressure.

Additionally, all my mom's yelling and my dad's mocking didn't help either. No one to turn to; I had to figure out everything on my own. Also, was molested by my sister. Life was so confusing and hard. Socially, tried but never felt connected. Been forgotten, used. Wanted to different things, but finances, work, health insurance needs required a different path.

And now with my disabled parent, I seem to be the only one able to research, understand, and make a decision. Even when my parents or siblings try to handle something, I have to come in, figure things out, and fix it when it doesn't work. I'm not talking only about small items, like an OS update gone wrong. I'm talking about items like hypoglycemic shock and legal documents. And getting accurate information is like pulling teeth. No friends to enjoy something on a day when I'm functioning and in a good mood. My life is simply a long list of To Do's. I'm so tired of taking care of other people's problems when no one helps me with mine. On My Own too much.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

And now with my disabled parent, I seem to be the only one able to research, understand, and make a decision. Even when my parents or siblings try to handle something, I have to come in, figure things out, and fix it when it doesn't work.

They are all adults. You may feel like you have to come in and do things, but far better for them and for you to let them make mistakes, manage the consequences, and either learn or not learn. If you ctb, they'll have to anyway. Sounds like carrying everyone else's load contributes to not having the internal resources to live your own life since you're spending them on everyone else's lives.

Anyhow, those are just my thoughts. I highly recommend the book Boundaries, it directly addresses your situation. It has a preachy tone, but the information and recommendations are solid. Sending a lot of compassion. Breaking such a cycle is difficult but it can be done.


From Boundaries:

The parents of a twenty-five-year-old man came to see me with a common request: they wanted me to "fix" their son, Joshua.

When I asked where Joshua was, they answered, "Oh, he didn't want to come."

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, he doesn't think he has a problem," they replied.

"Maybe he's right," I said, to their surprise. "Tell me about it."

They recited a history of problems that had begun at a very young age. Joshua had never been "quite up to snuff" in their eyes. In recent years he had exhibited problems with drugs and an inability to stay in school and find a career. It was apparent that they loved their son very much and were heartbroken over the way he was living.

They had tried everything they knew to get him to change and live a responsible life, but all had failed. He was still using drugs, avoiding responsibility, and keeping questionable company. They told me that they had always given him everything he needed. They supported him financially at school so "he wouldn't have to work and he would have plenty of time for study and a social life." When he flunked out of one school, or stopped going to classes, they were more than happy to do everything they could to get him into another school, "where it might be better for him."

After they had talked for a while, I responded: "I think your son is right. He doesn't have a problem."

You could have mistaken their expression for a snapshot; they stared at me in disbelief for a full minute. Finally the father said, "Did I hear you right? You don't think he has a problem?"

"That's correct," I said. "He doesn't have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay, you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn't have a problem because you have taken it from him. Those things should be his problem, but as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like for me to help you help him to have some problems?"

They looked at me like I was crazy, but some lights were beginning to go on in their heads. "What do you mean, 'help him to have some problems'?" his mother asked.

"Well," I explained, "I think that the solution to this problem would be to clarify some boundaries so that his actions cause him problems and not you."

"What do you mean, 'boundaries'?" the father asked.

"Look at it this way. It is as if he's your neighbor, who never waters his lawn. But whenever you turn on your sprinkler system, the water falls on his lawn. Your grass is turning brown and dying, but Joshua looks down at his green grass and thinks to himself, My yard is doing fine. That is how your son's life is. He doesn't study or plan or work, yet he has a nice place to live, plenty of money, and all the rights of a family member who is doing his part.

"If you would define the property lines a little better, if you would fix the sprinkler system so that the water would fall on your lawn, and if he didn't water his own lawn, he would have to live in dirt. He might not like that after a while.

"As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy, and you are responsible and miserable. A little boundary clarification would do the trick. You need some fences to keep his problems out of your yard and in his, where they belong."

"Isn't that a bit cruel, just to stop helping like that?" the father asked.

"Has helping him helped?" I asked.

His look told me that he was beginning to understand.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

@GoodPersonEffed Yeah, I'm realizing that the first obstacle to me being happy is my family, that'd I'd have to move out of state, disappear, and go no contact. There's no workaround or patch or therapy fix. Otherwise, I'm just repeating the same traumatic feelings. But my mom is dying now, so it feels cruel to leave now, like breaking up with someone on valentine's day. But yeah, after that, I will stop compensating. At least if I invest my effort and time in someone, it should be someone who treats me as an equal. Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

Thank y'all for the hugs! I didn't know it, but I really needed it.

For the longest time, I thought the hug emoji was jazz hands. It wasn't until people here were discussing what the hug emoji should look like that I realized what it is. :)

 

[Deleted member 1496]

@GoodPersonEffed Thanks for the lesson. Tonight, I'm letting go of one area: financial responsibility for healthcare costs. It's a bit scary because I'm in the USA and I've received myself more than one $100,000+ USD bill in my lifetime. But on top of researching medical, legal, and quality of life decisions for someone else, I can't keep dealing or preventing when others repeatedly make unilaterally decisions without looking into out of pocket costs. I got frustrated because medical debt can be huge, but wait, I don't have to fix it. I can't do everything. One process offloaded. Thanks.