Discussion Anyone here because of a narcissist?

[nohopenofuture31]

Not too many threads on this. I can't be the only one here because I made the mistake of having a child with a narcissist and have paid the price for 9 years, with 9 left til I can be free by any means. At this point, I have two options. Give up my son to the monster who has abused us every day of our life, or end it all for myself. I have a daughter from a healthy relationship and she's the only thing that's kept me going until now. But I can't do this a second more, and I don't think I could live with myself if I gave up my son. That really leaves the one option. Is anyone on here in a similar situation? The pain I've endured the past 9 years have been too much. I have other issues that make it worse (highly functioning autistic with PDA and RSD - im alphabet soup). I can cope if there's hope and a way out. But the family court system just failed me miserably and I can't go on. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

 

[wasted_years]

A little different than yours...my parents were narcissists. I feel your pain. As much as it hurted I had to cut them out of my life. I'm sorry but this is the only way to deal with a narcissist in your life.

 

[Bleh61]

Not too many threads on this. I can't be the only one here because I made the mistake of having a child with a narcissist and have paid the price for 9 years, with 9 left til I can be free by any means. At this point, I have two options. Give up my son to the monster who has abused us every day of our life, or end it all for myself. I have a daughter from a healthy relationship and she's the only thing that's kept me going until now. But I can't do this a second more, and I don't think I could live with myself if I gave up my son. That really leaves the one option. Is anyone on here in a similar situation? The pain I've endured the past 9 years have been too much. I have other issues that make it worse (highly functioning autistic with PDA and RSD - im alphabet soup). I can cope if there's hope and a way out. But the family court system just failed me miserably and I can't go on. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

Are you currently living with him?

A little different than yours...my parents were narcissists. I feel your pain. As much as it hurted I had to cut them out of my life. I'm sorry but this is the only way to deal with a narcissist in your life.

Dysfunction runs deep in my family. My grandmother on my mom's side was an alcoholic living with an abusive husband. Her husband grew up in such a fucked up home that he and his brothers refused to talk about their father. My brother was my primary abuser. I also had to cut him out of my life.

 

[stoiccactus]

Oh man, I got divorced from a narcissist a few years ago - I'd take a bullet for my son but having a child with her was the biggest regret of my life. I've burdened both myself, my new spouse, and this poor kid to a lifetime of suffering under an abusive narcissist. It haunts me every minute of every day for the rest of my life. Not to mention escaping the abuse cycle is taking years and is just absolutely miserable. Knowing my son will have to deal with her alone is probably the only thing left keeping me alive, otherwise I'd be dead long ago.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

You might need to find a reddit sub that specifically addresses your scenario like r/NarcissisticSpouses. If the courts mandate shared custody there are still tools like strong boundary setting, grey rocking and VLC that can help. Save all digital correspondences and it could just be a matter of time before you can get enough to make a case for harassment and abuse. Find and create a local network that has zero contact with him or flying monkeys like woman's groups for domestic abuse as isolation is one of the major tools narcissists use plus you need people sympathetic that you can vent to and break the spell of gaslighting.

 

[nohopenofuture31]

Are you currently living with him?

Dysfunction runs deep in my family. My grandmother on my mom's side was an alcoholic living with an abusive husband. Her husband grew up in such a fucked up home that he and his brothers refused to talk about their father. My brother was my primary abuser. I also had to cut him out of my life.

I'm not living with him...we haven't even been together for 9 yrs. But we had a child together, and he has 50/50 custody. He abuses our son too, and the family court system doesn't care. He's even starting to turn my son against me. It's like living in a prison - I can't leave the country with my son because his dad won't sign a passport. I can't even leave town without giving him a week notice. And not because I did anything wrong. Just because it's a standard 50/50 court order. Constant abusive emails about how Im screwing up my son. Constant fights against intervention (my son is autistic but his dad refuses to do anything to help him). Every day is a reminder that I can't parent my son properly or keep him safe. I had hope years ago, but have no hope of this ever improving.

 

[stoiccactus]

Grey Rocking has absolutely been the most effective strategy for me. It's not 100% but if I can keep a low profile, she mostly keeps the abuse to a minimum.

 

[nohopenofuture31]

Oh man, I got divorced from a narcissist a few years ago - I'd take a bullet for my son but having a child with her was the biggest regret of my life. I've burdened both myself, my new spouse, and this poor kid to a lifetime of suffering under an abusive narcissist. It haunts me every minute of every day for the rest of my life. Not to mention escaping the abuse cycle is taking years and is just absolutely miserable. Knowing my son will have to deal with her alone is probably the only thing left keeping me alive, otherwise I'd be dead long ago.

Thanks for commenting. Most of the people I know don't understand just how difficult it is dealing with that trauma. The trauma just goes on every day. I love my son more than anything, and leaving him and my daughter breaks my heart. But there's only so much pain one person can take. I'm at the point where he's starting to brainwash my son a bit, and that's given me enough grief to feel like I can't go on another day. What kind of custody arrangement do you have, if you don't mind me asking? We're 50/50 with decisions split so it really is a daily struggle

 

[nohopenofuture31]

Grey Rocking has absolutely been the most effective strategy for me. It's not 100% but if I can keep a low profile, she mostly keeps the abuse to a minimum.

I've been gray rocking for years now. It helped at first, but there's always something we need to go to court over. It is a great tip, though

You might need to find a reddit sub that specifically addresses your scenario like r/NarcissisticSpouses. If the courts mandate shared custody there are still tools like strong boundary setting, grey rocking and VLC that can help. Save all digital correspondences and it could just be a matter of time before you can get enough to make a case for harassment and abuse. Find and create a local network that has zero contact with him or flying monkeys like woman's groups for domestic abuse as isolation is one of the major tools narcissists use plus you need people sympathetic that you can vent to and break the spell of gaslighting.

Honestly court isn't an option. We just went to court over a black and white issue (father refusing educational accomodations for his son) and the judge wouldn't even listen to what I had to say. Literally gave the father 15 minutes to talk and me 3 minutes. The judge sided with the father. I wish there was actually some hope or help, but there's nothing that can keep me from this due to having to coparent. Appreciate the advice though