Cosmiq
Student
- May 7, 2020
- 197
Do you feel like you have to give your family a break if they ctb before you? This is if your family isn't complete madhouse, and have members that you want to spare additional pain.
My older brother went to prison at 22 years old and it's been 15 years. He waits until 2 months before he's released to hang himself. I wasn't sad, I was more kinda upset in a WTF way. Because a huge part of me has pushed myself really hard and waited for him to be out so I could do it, knowing that my mom had one impulsive kid around to take action if my stepdad decided to start on violent roads again. Every few years he gets all violent after being on Christian path, hasn't killed anyone yet, but he did attempt to burn our house down when we young children . The next time I was like 19, he had a whole secret life and was cheating on my mom. When she found out, he treated her like shit and became a busive. I threatened him, because I had nothing to lose and had my first failed attempt only a few months prior they kicked me out and my mom kept me in the dark. My younger half sister would only tell me after the fact, because she didn't want me to react and hurt her him because he was her dad. We never told our brother, because we didn't want to stress him, and wanted him to stay away from gang life. If he'd known he'd probably get a favor from his old gang, but then be indebted to them while in prison.
Anyways, I felt like I'd be getting cheated if he died before I could. Is that fucked?
I mean everyone deserves the right to die, but my initial feeling had me feeling hypocritical. I'm not saying if he really wants to he shouldn't. He could have done this like 10 years ago. I want him to come out and do well, so I feel less guilt about pain I'll leave my family with when I ctb. I feel like the fact that he cheated death so many times as a teen means that I get to take this way out first. Dude was like Mr. Glass in Unbreakable but kept fully healed. He was shot, totaled 7 cars between 18-22, and got hit by cars multiple times before he could drive on every wheeled toy from bikes, to scooter, to skateboards, and even fucking roller blades. Death doesn't want him, but my mom was sure she'd lose one of her kids. She says me and him are the most alike out of her 4 children. I love her and she's tried to atone for being a bad mom in our early years and even missing stuff in our teen years. But that doesn't change how developed to the person I am.
My older brother went to prison at 22 years old and it's been 15 years. He waits until 2 months before he's released to hang himself. I wasn't sad, I was more kinda upset in a WTF way. Because a huge part of me has pushed myself really hard and waited for him to be out so I could do it, knowing that my mom had one impulsive kid around to take action if my stepdad decided to start on violent roads again. Every few years he gets all violent after being on Christian path, hasn't killed anyone yet, but he did attempt to burn our house down when we young children . The next time I was like 19, he had a whole secret life and was cheating on my mom. When she found out, he treated her like shit and became a busive. I threatened him, because I had nothing to lose and had my first failed attempt only a few months prior they kicked me out and my mom kept me in the dark. My younger half sister would only tell me after the fact, because she didn't want me to react and hurt her him because he was her dad. We never told our brother, because we didn't want to stress him, and wanted him to stay away from gang life. If he'd known he'd probably get a favor from his old gang, but then be indebted to them while in prison.
Anyways, I felt like I'd be getting cheated if he died before I could. Is that fucked?
I mean everyone deserves the right to die, but my initial feeling had me feeling hypocritical. I'm not saying if he really wants to he shouldn't. He could have done this like 10 years ago. I want him to come out and do well, so I feel less guilt about pain I'll leave my family with when I ctb. I feel like the fact that he cheated death so many times as a teen means that I get to take this way out first. Dude was like Mr. Glass in Unbreakable but kept fully healed. He was shot, totaled 7 cars between 18-22, and got hit by cars multiple times before he could drive on every wheeled toy from bikes, to scooter, to skateboards, and even fucking roller blades. Death doesn't want him, but my mom was sure she'd lose one of her kids. She says me and him are the most alike out of her 4 children. I love her and she's tried to atone for being a bad mom in our early years and even missing stuff in our teen years. But that doesn't change how developed to the person I am.
