Have you considered seeking help in transitioning out of Mormonism? I ask because you've previously expressed a belief that your enmeshment in Mormonism is the root cause of your angst. Exmormon.org is one online source. Plenty of blowhard pricks on that forum, but you can vent freely about the LDS Church without fear of reprisal and request advice from those who've left the faith, or are in the process of leaving. Very pro-life ideology, so any expression of suicidal ideation is not advisable. I apologize if you've already ruled out all avenues of recovery, but it would be a shame to lose you if the only obstacle to a fulfilling life is that soul-sucking cult.