Y peaked autumn 2019 a few days of happiness has just violently contrasted with what life is like normally. And cope? You are supposed to cope, accept, take your mind off it. They treat life like a bitter medicine you have to just put up with one way or another- all the advice is like that, and there's no answer to my why- yes but if I don't want to why? I'm not getting out of this existence alive, that's for one. Why is dying of cancer alone in a bedsit intrinsically better than dying in your 20s cause you wanted to? This is why I don't bother with therapy- there's just no answer. One day at a time- but why? What do I win? Why must a corpse have wrinkles on it. And there is no answer. Deep down people I speak to know I'm a lost case, think, well thank fuck that's not my problem, they feel maybe a little grateful to have a mind that isn't my mind, anyway (someone had to have it! Someone has to be the person who wins the lottery, who gets hit by lightning, has all their family die in a plane crash, has that extremely rare allergic reaction- it's a 1 in a thousand but its got to be someone who gets fucked- why not you/me?) Am I a sphynx waiting for someone to solve my riddle? There is no answer. Something happens to your life- you can't have x anymore - love, family, your legs, your face, whatever. So do you want to live without that thing or not? For me it's a no. And that's why none of the 'help' has any point to it. I can't accept it as valid because we are arguing on different terms. Most people don't believe no is a valid answer. You have to swallow life, mask the taste if you have to (drugs! Exercise! Distractions!) But there's no question of just not taking it. I don't have to cope, that's the thing. I've got my answer and that's on me.
