Anyone feel like they have to CTB, but don’t really want to?

[Vault of Memories]

So my depression and anxiety kind of first hit in 8th grade, but I was able to manage it. However, in freshman year I got this weird feeling that I constantly have to clear my throat. This literally occurs every few seconds of my life to this day. Sophomore year I was a whole different person. I only really spoke to people that I was certain didn't have issues being seen with me in public. My whole life went downhill after that, my throat issue has yet to be correctly diagnosed. If this never occurred I think I could've had a very good or at least exceptional life. Just curious if there's anyone who has a physical issue or financial debt or something this would like to continue with their life if whatever "it" is was never an issue?

 

[raindrops]

I'm psychically fit and sometimes I wish I could just be terminally ill to take my mind of loneliness I know that sounds fucked up...It's my birthday tomorrow I'll be 27. I will get 2 cards one from my grandma and possibly one from my ex? partner.

No savings, no decent job, no will to try, no real friendships because I'm scared to meet people and be myself, no family, no partner...still speak to my so called ex partner and I believe things will get better between us... I want and need it to that's the only way I'll feel alive. God I hate survival instinct.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yes this is me 100%. I want to live but feel forced to ctb...after years of trauma, abuse, mental physical issues I just can't anymore. Realizing my goals and dreams won't come true is too painful... especially after years of hell suffering I finally get the help I need to get a small modest home and the corona virus ruined it for me. I try to hang on for 2 people in my life but I have been doing it for years...there comes a time I call quits. I think I'm more of a burden to them alive.

 

[Dima2]

In an ideal situation , i would love to stay , i mean sometimes life works out but when you feel happy it knocks you down , I really can't trust it again , also the damage and trauma is permanent , my time is up i guess

 

[iDieUDie80]

I kind of understand this mindset, but I also want to ctb. I'm generally not happy, and I'm most suicidal when I'm strongly anxious and triggered, but I have consistently believed that I need to end my life because the future holds nothing for me due to excessive criminal convictions, plus I hate enduring suffocating and grueling probation restrictions now.

 

[Kam59]

I don't want to but in unbearable pain so feel ive no choice . Can't get better only worse

 

[Nymph]

I'm too fucking lazy to prepare my doses of SN and do the 8 fast. I'm so tired of everything I'm even too tired to die. How's this even possible, I can't believe I'm like this

 

[falloutcarter13]

I'm too fucking lazy to prepare my doses of SN and do the 8 fast. I'm so tired of everything I'm even too tired to die. How's this even possible, I can't believe I'm like this

This just nailed my heart, I'm the same way. I keep thinking it'll be better to slowly and meticulously write my good-bye letters over the few weeks I have left, but then I just...don't. I'll end up doing a shitty job in a rush five minutes before I drink the poison and lie down. I'm so tired that I can't even stop procrastinating my own fucking death preparations.

 

[stationarymillennial]

So my depression and anxiety kind of first hit in 8th grade, but I was able to manage it. However, in freshman year I got this weird feeling that I constantly have to clear my throat. This literally occurs every few seconds of my life to this day. Sophomore year I was a whole different person. I only really spoke to people that I was certain didn't have issues being seen with me in public. My whole life went downhill after that, my throat issue has yet to be correctly diagnosed. If this never occurred I think I could've had a very good or at least exceptional life. Just curious if there's anyone who has a physical issue or financial debt or something this would like to continue with their life if whatever "it" is was never an issue?

The clearing the throat problems sounds like a tic. I used to have to constantly open my mouth, open my eyes wide, a ton of other things. It went away but if I do any of those things again, I have to resist a strong urge to not continue doing it.

 

[AllReturnsToNothing]

I mean... Yeah I guess. If the people who raised me were competent and less self-centered and hadn't fucked up my brain on almost every level I would've loved to turn out as the self-sufficient human dynamo I always wanted to be inside but could never live up to. Maybe I would've ended up as the successful aspie instead of the pathetic one who can't do anything right.

 

[Passersby]

I'm too fucking lazy to prepare my doses of SN and do the 8 fast. I'm so tired of everything I'm even too tired to die. How's this even possible, I can't believe I'm like this

Hi lllias, I know what you mean about not being able to ctb and being too tired. I spent over 2 yrs being bedridden and was too pitiful and not even physically able to ctb. In an ideal world I would be able to maintain my health and not ctb but in this reality I have to ctb. At least I have methods now and am prepared. As old age sets in more it's just more suffering on top whatever permanent problems you already have. Next thing you know your just sitting back in a chair watching the cars roll by. Sometimes you wave but not always because your angry, physically suffering, and generally miserable.

 

[Anthagonos]

Me. I will ctb but dont want to. I think I have to do lots of things in life but a huge very huge mistake destroyed any possibility. So the only exit I see is ctb :(

 

[Lupgevif]

Not me. I don't have to, but I really want to.

 

[Nohopeinhell]

I have one of the most painful conditions in the whole world which is on the list of 10 other conditions. It is known as the suicide disease. If it weren't for this i wouldn't be on SS.

Have a degree which is now useless. An amazing job that i studied most of my adult life for. All now useless.