Anyone Feel Like They Can't Be Saved Anymore?

[SingleSeraph]

New member here but I have been depressed for years now. I have a couple of close friends and family who support me but I still feel like I am worthless. They tell me that I need to go to therapy but I feel that would be a complete waste of time. I do plan to CTB by a revolver early next year ... I have just been waiting for my close friend to sell me LSD and MDMA. I've done LSD 7 times(2 very bad trips) but I've never done MDMA. I was told to wait one more month and then my final plan would commence. I've always wanted to Candy Flip and trip a lot before I CTB. If that plan fails I live somewhere where there's a body of water and drowning would be something I could do. I had a near death experience at 9 years old with drowning so that is something I would do if the pain is something I can't handle anymore and lately this pain is overbearing.

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Yeah, I think I'm a goner. I've been through so much in the past 10 years with little to no joy in between bouts of great suffering. I have no drive to fix my life, and it doesn't help that people deliberately pushed me into a state of paranoia.

I'm on psyche meds and completely numb to my surroundings. I use to enjoy long walks at night time, but now I'm as numb as a rock...I wish death was more accessible.

 

[Supertramp]

What makes you feel like therapy is a waste of time. I kind of understand what you mean, because I tell my mom all the time that it's a waste of time. I was wondering what your reason is for feeling this way.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Definitely. I have tried so many things (meds, therapy, drugs, relationships, different living situations/jobs) and every time it's just the inevitable conclusion of ending right back in depression and misery. I have had severe depression/suicidal since around age 14 and in late 20s now...I really think it's hopeless and there is nothing left for me to try.

 

[Pan]

Actually, I must admit that mentally ill folks do not live long lives. Ultimately, i'd Like to be spared the personal responsibility that goes with ctb. To be told, for example, that I have terminal cancer would be music to my ears.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Yup.

I had known method since forever. I got convicted of a crime that literally didn't occur, as in I was miles an miles away. I discovered my (literaly, actual, physical) bus stop while doing community service: take that, pigs! And, here on SS, I figured out the date. Pic related.

Spoiler

 

[nerve]

Yeah, probably. The pain really is just overbearing and relentless.

Maybe I'm wrong and things will change but I'm not expecting much any more. Life is bearable enough to go on, it's just more and more humiliating every year older I get. I'm kind of relieved though because hopefully that'll be enough to drive me to ctb if I really can't figure out some way to improve things. Maybe other people could tolerate being a 30+-year-old NEET with no friends, family, life skills, employment history, talents, hobbies, or enriching life activities, but I'd honestly rather be dead.

 

[SingleSeraph]

What makes you feel like therapy is a waste of time. I kind of understand what you mean, because I tell my mom all the time that it's a waste of time. I was wondering what your reason is for feeling this way.

For me it's the fact that psychedelics opened up the struggles I had with wanting to CTB and I feel that any therapist just would not understand how I feel. I feel like I am far gone already. I have talked to friends and one guilt tripped me but changed how she felt about it when I bawled my eyes out and showed her my notes. The other one said to have hope but I don't believe in hope. I'm honestly scared about getting better because then it would only be temporary and I would be back to where I started. The thoughts about dying ease me and makes me have some sort of control over my active suicidal ideation.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Actually, I must admit that mentally ill folks do not live long lives. Ultimately, i'd Like to be spared the personal responsibility that goes with ctb. To be told, for example, that I have terminal cancer would be music to my ears.

Oh please yes cancer!! How can I get some cancer? Oh wait, I need to start smoking lol

 

[Supertramp]

For me it's the fact that psychedelics opened up the struggles I had with wanting to CTB and I feel that any therapist just would not understand how I feel. I feel like I am far gone already. I have talked to friends and one guilt tripped me but changed how she felt about it when I bawled my eyes out and showed her my notes. The other one said to have hope but I don't believe in hope. I'm honestly scared about getting better because then it would only be temporary and I would be back to where I started. The thoughts about dying ease me and makes me have some sort of control over my active suicidal ideation.

That's a lot to unpack. So I'll talk about my reasons for feeling like therapy is a waste of time. I feel like I know that life is pointless and I can't go back to unknowing this fact. In our cases a therapists job is ultimately to steer you away from wanting to commit suicide. Their job is to distract you from doing it by giving you reasons. I also feel like distractions are pointless and for that reason I'm not interested in talking to a therapist.

Reading your post I have a few questions:
1. What did taking psychedelics show you in regards to the struggles you were having about CTB?
2. Your friend guilt tripped you into what? She changed how she felt about what?

 

[SingleSeraph]

That's a lot to unpack. So I'll talk about my reasons for feeling like therapy is a waste of time. I feel like I know that life is pointless and I can't go back to unknowing this fact. In our cases a therapists job is ultimately to steer you away from wanting to commit suicide. Their job is to distract you from doing it by giving you reasons. I also feel like distractions are pointless and for that reason I'm not interested in talking to a therapist.

Reading your post I have a few questions:
1. What did taking psychedelics show you in regards to the struggles you were having about CTB?
2. Your friend guilt tripped you into what? She changed how she felt about what?

1. Psychedelics showed me how pointless and empty my life was. The bad trips opened my eyes even more. It made me know that I was not gonna be alive here much longer. It's been almost 3 years since I have taken any drugs but in a month or so I will buy quite a bit of LSD and MDMA and just ride out my last months here.
2. My close friend used to be one of those people who would say that suicide is selfish and just ridicule me for thinking about that. She didn't know that extent of the hell I've been through and her perception changed a bit after reading my notes on my iPad. She's been very genuine to me ever since. I just got off from self-harming a week ago and the urges are very strong right now.

 

[Mr2005]

I've felt that way for the last ten years

 

[SettOne1994]

New member here but I have been depressed for years now. I have a couple of close friends and family who support me but I still feel like I am worthless. They tell me that I need to go to therapy but I feel that would be a complete waste of time. I do plan to CTB by a revolver early next year ... I have just been waiting for my close friend to sell me LSD and MDMA. I've done LSD 7 times(2 very bad trips) but I've never done MDMA. I was told to wait one more month and then my final plan would commence. I've always wanted to Candy Flip and trip a lot before I CTB. If that plan fails I live somewhere where there's a body of water and drowning would be something I could do. I had a near death experience at 9 years old with drowning so that is something I would do if the pain is something I can't handle anymore and lately this pain is overbearing.

mdma and depression is dangerous. withrawal is so much worse you literally feel shit

 

[SingleSeraph]

mdma and depression is dangerous. withrawal is so much worse you literally feel shit

I've experienced that with LSD. I know what's to happen but at this point I don't care since I'll be dead in a few months.

 

[Lost.]

I have felt in that way too. Toxic brain injury by psych drugs which got worse 2 months completly ruined my life. As someone with toxic brain injury i wouldn't recomend you to do any drugs! Stay away from it.

 

[Epsilon0]

Being saved, as in "saved by someone else" is an impossibility. Noone can make life bearable for me. Not even I can do it. The only way I can "save" myself is by distractions, work being the chief among them.

For me, the arrow of life does not point towards a purpose. It's just flying randomly through time and space, ricocheting like a pinball.

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

Being saved, as in "saved by someone else" is an impossibility. Noone can make life bearable for me. Not even I can do it. The only way I can "save" myself is by distractions, work being the chief among them.

For me, the arrow of life does not point towards a purpose. It's just flying randomly through time and space, ricocheting like a pinball.

I feel the exact same way. Perfectly stated. I'm just suspended in space. Completely unmoored.

 

[Justhere]

What makes you feel like therapy is a waste of time. I kind of understand what you mean, because I tell my mom all the time that it's a waste of time. I was wondering what your reason is for feeling this way.

Therapists are a joke. They have no idea what they are doing, and it's atrocious to think some random asshole can get their license so easily.

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

You never know that the trip may help see a way out that doesn't involve those methods

 

[AlreadyGone]

Saved? No. At this point I feel that I am beyond saving. My depression is caused by problems that I have attempted to fix for the past 10 years and was reminded recently that they have not been fixed. My only options are to live a life of unhappiness where my problems are not fixed, or end it all. The second option is pretty much guaranteed as life has taught me that fixing my problems are beyond my control.

 

[Pan]

Being saved, as in "saved by someone else" is an impossibility. Noone can make life bearable for me. Not even I can do it. The only way I can "save" myself is by distractions, work being the chief among them.

For me, the arrow of life does not point towards a purpose. It's just flying randomly through time and space, ricocheting like a pinball.

This is true, but remember, YOU are the archer.

 

[rntmss]

As long as I keep myself distracted, I think I'll be ok. It's when my mind wanders and I start thinking of guilt and regret, that's when my wheels start spinning.

 

[Melkus2020]

I haven't done anything for the past 5 years. I don't think I can salvage my life anymore. I'm following that stoic philosophy of just quitting when life is too hard or impossible.

 

[Conker]

I've long since accepted there won't really be a happy ending for we or Earth unless something miraculous were to occur.

One last chance so to speak for humanitree to evolve and transmute weaponry into livingry. My definition of being saved is ceasing to exist, and that's good enough for me. I would prefer a golden age full of wonderment, potency & magic but that's probably never going to happen.

 

[elacnt]

Yes, 100%!
I've battled with borderline disorder since I was a teenager and it only got worse over the years.
I already did everything I could do to try to save myself and be a happier and better person, and to have an okayish life. But it doesn't matter what I do, I'm always in unbearable pain and suffering.
I feel like I'm a waste of time and space. I feel like I have no value and at the end I know it's true, not only my disorder speaking.
I feel underwhelmingly alone all the time.
I had the company of my cat, my little baby angel, my everything, but she passed away one week ago so now I truly feel I'm all alone and have nothing left.
I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. And people have treated me like that my whole life.

 

[Pan]

Yes, 100%!
I've battled with borderline disorder since I was a teenager and it only got worse over the years.
I already did everything I could do to try to save myself and be a happier and better person, and to have an okayish life. But it doesn't matter what I do, I'm always in unbearable pain and suffering.
I feel like I'm a waste of time and space. I feel like I have no value and at the end I know it's true, not only my disorder speaking.
I feel underwhelmingly alone all the time.
I had the company of my cat, my little baby angel, my everything, but she passed away one week ago so now I truly feel I'm all alone and have nothing left.
I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. And people have treated me like that my whole life.

I hear you and am sure that your pet's death does'nt make it any easier. I lost my German Shepherd in Belize, where I own property. Even now, five years later, I mourn his loss. Our animal kids are family, just like the good folks at S.S. I may not know you, but I consider you and everyone at s.s. to be family. Please do nothing rash; your life means something.