Anyone feel guilty interacting with loved ones?

[cherrycoke]

I have great friends and a small but loving family. I'm just tired of this existence and do want to do it anymore.
I've struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for 20 years. I've never gone through with it because of the pain it would cause my loved ones especially my mother.
But I'm just so tired now. Working. Navigating. The trajectory of society, the climate...I just want to leave on my own terms. Peacefully and alone.

But everyday that I laugh with my friends, make plans, call my mom, there's a voice in my head saying, "I'm going to CTB soon."

I know it's going to destroy my loved ones and best friends. I hate that the most.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I have this more with my friends. A month or so ago I mentioned that I was having suicidal thoughts, and since then they've been checking in a lot. I know that my death will be hard for them (or is that just my ego talking?). Still, I can't live like this. Like you said, I'm extremely tired. Life doesn't stop with the horrors, and somehow they get worse and worse.

 

[wham311]

I'm stuck with my mother. I'm making her poor and it's killing me and so would ctb

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Yes.

 

[lysolwipes]

Not so much my family, but I feel this way with my partner sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should break up with him to spare him the pain and burden, however, I don't want him to blame himself or a breakup for my ctb. My heart feels a lot of guilt for my pets, as they could never understand what I did or where I went. I know my partner would care and love for them, so at least it makes that aspect a little easier. I definitely feel like my friends and family would all act indifferently given a few months, though.

 

[pauly369]

Even though I dont have friends or a partner, and am not close with my family, it still worries me how my suicide may affect them.

 

[galaxid]

Not so much my family, but I feel this way with my partner sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should break up with him to spare him the pain and burden, however, I don't want him to blame himself or a breakup for my ctb. My heart feels a lot of guilt for my pets, as they could never understand what I did or where I went. I know my partner would care and love for them, so at least it makes that aspect a little easier. I definitely feel like my friends and family would all act indifferently given a few months, though.

Big same. I have this feeling I know what my partner's reaction might be like.

When I was young, I was scared I might one day come home and find my mom had killed herself, and I simply had to trust her when she said she wouldn't do something like that. She was telling me the truth and chose to languish in her misery until the whole 'giving up' thing caught up with her. She hung in there for nearly 60 years, and faced her death alone because in her misery, she pushed everyone away. Everyone except me.

So in a way, I'd rather end things on my own terms than cling to life pretending things are okay to make everyone else happy. Still sucks though.

 

[YellowHippo]

If you're anything like me, then you would be unburdening your friends and family and they'll be better off instead of destroying them. But maybe your friends and family are different.

 

[LostLily]

True I feel guilty for wanting to CTB when I'm hanging out with friends. Part of me wants to isolate from them, but I know that will raise even more red flags.

 

[cherrycoke]

True I feel guilty for wanting to CTB when I'm hanging out with friends. Part of me wants to isolate from them, but I know that will raise even more red flags.

Exactly. I'm torn between wanting to spend more time with them and wanting to push them away. When I'm with them I have fleeting thoughts that everyday will be okay. But I know nothings getting better.

Not so much my family, but I feel this way with my partner sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should break up with him to spare him the pain and burden, however, I don't want him to blame himself or a breakup for my ctb. My heart feels a lot of guilt for my pets, as they could never understand what I did or where I went. I know my partner would care and love for them, so at least it makes that aspect a little easier. I definitely feel like my friends and family would all act indifferently given a few months, though.

I'm single and choose not to date but I live with a friend I've known since high school. We're totally platonic but sort of do life together. I feel the most guilty when I think about him. He owns the house we live in and we've been roommates for 4 years now. When I go it's going to leave a massive hole in his life. Over the next few months I'm cleaning and organizing as much as I can so it's less of a burden for him and everyone else. I've thought about moving out or at least packing all of my things closer to my time so it's let's traumatizing for him.

I have this more with my friends. A month or so ago I mentioned that I was having suicidal thoughts, and since then they've been checking in a lot. I know that my death will be hard for them (or is that just my ego talking?). Still, I can't live like this. Like you said, I'm extremely tired. Life doesn't stop with the horrors, and somehow they get worse and worse.

I told my two closest friends that I was going to do it. One understands and the other was heartbroken and tried to convince me to change my mind. I told him I would but I'm committed. I don't really see any way forward.

I have to fight the urge to talk to my other friends about it bevaue part of me wants to prepare them but I know they won't understand or be supportive (lets be honest most aren't) and seeing my one friend's reaction was enough to make me never say anything about it again.

 

[Outofoptions1]

I feel extremely guilty. My parents are so supportive of me and have always been there for me at my darkest moments, but sadly there is nothing that they can do to help me this time. I'm too far gone. I've been isolating myself and My parents have been giving me space thinking that it'll just take time for me to get better. When I do ctb, they'll probably think that they shouldn't have been leaving me alone. Little do they know that nothing can help me.
What makes it worse is that my grandmother just passed away which absolutely destroyed my mother. I may have to delay my plans for a while.

It would also destroy my ex girlfriend who told me that she'd never forgive herself or get over it. I told her that the only way I can survive is with her in my life, but she says she can't be with me because I hurt her too much, despite her loving me immensely... She has to do what she has to do and so do I.

I kknow that the time to ctb is near because unlike before, my feelings of guilt aren't stopping my suicidal thoughts. Before I'd always hold on due to guilt of how my loved ones would feel. Now, the pain is too much.

 

[bleeding_heart_show]

On my less solipsistic days.

Having any sort of interaction with anyone feels depressingly pointless, even without the context of suicide.

 

[ctemourge]

I have great friends and a small but loving family. I'm just tired of this existence and do want to do it anymore.
I've struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for 20 years. I've never gone through with it because of the pain it would cause my loved ones especially my mother.
But I'm just so tired now. Working. Navigating. The trajectory of society, the climate...I just want to leave on my own terms. Peacefully and alone.

But everyday that I laugh with my friends, make plans, call my mom, there's a voice in my head saying, "I'm going to CTB soon."

I know it's going to destroy my loved ones and best friends. I hate that the most.

extremely relatable. i hate how much pain ill cause by ctb, but i cant handle living like this anymore

 

[Dr. Finklestein]

Exactly. I'm torn between wanting to spend more time with them and wanting to push them away. When I'm with them I have fleeting thoughts that everyday will be okay. But I know nothings getting better.

I'm single and choose not to date but I live with a friend I've known since high school. We're totally platonic but sort of do life together. I feel the most guilty when I think about him. He owns the house we live in and we've been roommates for 4 years now. When I go it's going to leave a massive hole in his life. Over the next few months I'm cleaning and organizing as much as I can so it's less of a burden for him and everyone else. I've thought about moving out or at least packing all of my things closer to my time so it's let's traumatizing for him.

I told my two closest friends that I was going to do it. One understands and the other was heartbroken and tried to convince me to change my mind. I told him I would but I'm committed. I don't really see any way forward.

I have to fight the urge to talk to my other friends about it bevaue part of me wants to prepare them but I know they won't understand or be supportive (lets be honest most aren't) and seeing my one friend's reaction was enough to make me never say anything about it again.

Sounds like you've explored yourself and although committed, you are still processing. Encourage you to keep challenging yourself…and, wish you peace on your journey.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I was driving my aunt to the airport last night and for some reason we ended up talking about me not having a pension plan. She said I should have one, I told her my retirement plan was always putting a bullet in my head when I turned 60. She was shocked, thought I was joking so I explained it's because at 32 I haven't really saved anything for my retirement because I'm only until now earning decent money and I won't be able to fulfill the requirements for a government pension. Even in this scenario she said it would be something selfish for those in our family that would still be alive by then, that it's something that damages a family forever. And in my mind I was thinking about my ex, about how tired I am of being abandoned, of being hurt, of giving myself and life chances at love and happiness only to end up traumatized.

Today I ordered the SN. I'm sorry, tía, gracias por todo.