Discussion Anyone else's primary reason for CTB being a genuinely bad person?

[illvoid]

I'm curious to see if anyone else is in my boat. I most likely have HPD, and I am self aware enough to feel guilt but not enough to fix the problem. I'm a pathological liar and I constantly burden others with my presence. I have directly caused harm to almost every single person in my life, and most of my problems were my own fault. I just wish I wasn't the way I am but I don't know how to stop.
Does anyone else feel this way? Or were this way in the past?

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Scroll through my posts and you should see that I am in the same boat as you in terms of self-loathing. I will say I am currently on the recovery side due to circumstances changing. I do believe in taking personal accountability and I understand what it's like to wear the face of your biggest enemy.

But recently I've also come to find a snake is always going to snake and a lot of things only trigger their planned behavior so to speak.
Very few people such as us ever become self-aware enough to at least want to change whether or not we have the strength to at times.
I do feel like you shouldn't worry about burdening other people because you should have the ability to make your choices based on self perception and not outside suggestion.

Now I know you're probably going to say that your thoughts are entirely your own, I get that.
But depression and voices of negativity are very rarely accurate in the depictions of ourselves.
Psychologically they're viewed as an outside voice that was internalized.

I will say I spent a year trying to do good things and even in that year I did a lot of bad and it wasn't until that December that I wanted to try to live for me.

 

[B4mbi]

If by bad you mean a useless piece of garbage then yes

 

[eian]

If by bad you mean a useless piece of garbage then yes thats not cool

 

[Xta4Love]

If by bad you mean a useless piece of garbage then yes

 

[ThymeToLeave]

Yes, more or less.

 

[ctbcat]

yeah. funny enough, one of my reasons to feel bad today was that... i thought blatantly revealing my flaws had been falling on deaf ears, but it has really been falling on mute lips.

i don't get why people bother with me. maybe i'm funny, or something like that, but... it's so hard to not believe i'm just some charity case

 

[Don’tDoxMe]

Yup lol. Whenever I see these people who are like "I'm such a horrible person because I ignore my friends when I'm depressed" I just think… you have no idea lmao

 

[AlternativeBagel]

Yep. I have had some nasty patterns throughout most of my life with a lot of people. I believe a large chunk of it comes from codependency and narcissism (those two have some overlapping traits but they are different). The self awareness of the things I see myself doing sucks. It's insanely unhealthy and toxic. I tell myself I'm gonna change and be better but I've come to believe that I am incapable of it.

 

[Silent_cries]

Yes, being a horrible person is one of my primary reasons. I have 3 primary reasons though.

1. Me being a horrible person and fucking up my life beyond repair.

2. My unbearble anxiety.

3. To rid people off of me bc of all the issues I'm causing.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yup. I'm a pretty bad person. Even though I'm too lazy to do most of the bad things I think of doing, that's the only thing holding me back. I am aware that if I were to actually work on myself and overcome my laziness then my selfishness would probably cause so much pain and misery for others. I also truly think that if I am allowed to live I will go on and keep making things worse for people and so I must end it before it's too late.

 

[Olisop21.]

Yup. I'm a pretty bad person. Even though I'm too lazy to do most of the bad things I think of doing, that's the only thing holding me back. I am aware that if I were to actually work on myself and overcome my laziness then my selfishness would probably cause so much pain and misery for others. I also truly think that if I am allowed to live I will go on and keep making things worse for people and so I must end it before it's too late.

I have to say I am a truly bad person as well. I keep thinking about people who are sick and just want to live, then die. I would trade places with any of them. I really want to not exist. Just trying to get into the mindset of dying by getting rid of the fear. My plan is short drop. My fear is eternal hell.