Anyone else wish they had killed themselves earlier?

[takeyourshotfunboy]

When I was 9 years old (that was when things started to go downhill), I made a promise to myself that I would kill myself by the age of 13. Obviously that didn´t work out, and despite years and years of pure misery, here I am. I´ve threatened to CTB before and I feel like by now everyone is just waiting for me to finally do it. I feel like a pussy. I wish I had killed myself when this all started.

 

[mediocre]

I feel exactly the same things went downhill for me around this age too but didn't start feeling suicidal till around 12. Though I've never actually made a suicide attempt just thought about it seriously. Until I found this forum I never had the knowledge or tools to carry it out successfully. But even though I'm more informed now I am still struggling to go through with it. I feel like a pussy too!

 

[UninformedLover]

Yes all the time. My first suicide attempt was when I was 13-ish a few days after I discovered my mom was a drug addict. I stole a whole bunch of Excedrin from a family friend's house and took a whole whopping handle full during school. It didn't work obviously - instead my whole body became numb and I could barely walk.

I wish I was successfully because I would have been spared 5 years of continuous suffering and embarrassment on my part. I feel like it was easier for me then than it is now. Before I had much zeal and a sort of impulsive nature towards killing myself but now I am afraid of dying.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I wish it had worked when I was 16. I wish. I wish. I wish...

 

[SerenitySeeker]

Yep. I wish I would've gone either during my teenage years or early 20's.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I wish I had at age 14 or early 20s. Life has only gotten worse. Not 1 thing has gotten better.

 

[imstillhungry]

Definitely. It would have saved me so much pain, suffering and heartbreak. At the very least I wish I died when I attempted 2 weeks ago. Incredibly, life has managed to get progressively more shit since then

 

[OreoWellington]

Yeah, I wish I could have gone as soon as I had started having these thoughts, which was age 11. I wouldn't have regretted a thing. I still wish I had kept my diary from back then expressing these suicidal thoughts from when they first began. If I were to actually CTB, my plan is to gather all my diaries together with me near my dead body so it can be seen and known that I have suffered with this for a LONGGGG time and that it was a well carefully thought out (not an impulse) decision.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Yup. Should've done it at sixteen. I feel exactly the same as then only less hope.

 

[mathieu]

Yes, I wish I'd done it at 15 when I first really wanted to. I tried, but no luck.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

I wish my first suicide attempt worked at age 12. But I used an elasticated skipping rope because I'm stupid

 

[AnnaJaspers]

Oh God, yes. Funny, I was just saying this to myself literally outloud when I stumbled upon your post.

I'm 40. I tried at 13, but it was more of a cry for help.

 

[Time]

Absolutely. I've never tried it but it's been an option for me since I was maybe 12. And for the past year or so I've come to realize that I definitely should have done it decades ago.
But better late than never I guess.

 

[orangepulp]

I should've killed myself in 2014. Would have saved myself a lot of pain.

 

[Spock87]

Should of jump out of the 4th story window to concrete below at 61/2 years it would have saved me from decades of this shit

 

[MeltingHeart]

The benefit of hindsight is a tricky thing to consider I guess...

 

[Hotsackage]

Yes im only alive cause of my parentes. My situation is getting worst and worst, i hope ill still be able to ctb at some point

 

[Throwawaysoul]

I wish I ordered N sooner that's for sure.

 

[timetogo12345]

Yes, I wish I had killed myself when I was 12 and in middle-school. If only I had the courage and knowledge of how to properly execute back then. My abusive family was a large part of my childhood trauma. One positive though is that I feel no guilt regarding my family when I CTB, since I hate them. I can't relate with people who state that their family is the only thing keeping them alive. I guess at least I don't have that inhibition.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

I said this before in another thread but I wish I had killed myself at 19 when I first started seriously thinking about it. I would've spared myself a lot of pain and missed out on very little pleasure.

 

[Lotus1818]

Sometimes I wish I killed myself before I met my SO. It would spare her so much pain and loss

 

[MeltingHeart]

Yes, I wish I had killed myself when I was 12 and in middle-school. If only I had the courage and knowledge of how to properly execute back then. My abusive family was a large part of my childhood trauma. One positive though is that I feel no guilt regarding my family when I CTB, since I hate them. I can't relate with people who state that their family is the only thing keeping them alive. I guess at least I don't have that inhibition.

Im in the same boat, kind of feel alot of self-pity (if im honest) and just really really sad when I see all the posts about how their loving family will be so hurt when they ctb, I feel jealous, angry, heartbroken that I dont even need to take that into consideration! that when I pass I know neither parent will shed a single tear- it will be like any other day for them- all be it a bit of an inconvenience, they will be angry at me for that. But yeah I guess people could say - atleast that is one thing I dont need to worry about. Just sad that I wont even be able to console myself with the love I had -even in my last moments-thats quite hard to think about.

 

[SuicidalDream]

I wish I had killed myself at 13 before I had any close friends. The list of people who will (probably) miss me keeps expanding and I feel bad about what it will do to them.

 

[WilliamKline]

Was 18 when I first became suicidal. My initial plan was to jump off the Eiffel tower - wanted to 'leave a mark'. Actually travelled to the Eiffel Tower. Not only are there guard fences to get over but it's busy as fuck, couldn't do it. Now I'm twice as old - 36 - and I'm glad I didn't end it back then, the best parts of my life were still to come.

However, I've been feeling suicidal for years again and I feel there's just not so much to discover anymore, the adventure is gone, I probably won't attain the heights that I once did (emotionally speaking) anymore, it's just about getting old(er) now with the same old-same old

 

[Hadenuf]

Yes

 

[eSpJon]

thanks to everyone for confirming my decision is correct as I suspected life doesn't get any better the more years go by

 

[Reyki6667]

Yes , I so thoroughly regret I didn't kill myself at 19.... Since then my depression horrendously worsened and I am agonizing everyday.
Now soon 29 and I'll take the shot next month to end it.

This life is an utter joke to make you regret you didn't take the decision to end it earlier...

Fuck off, damn world.

 

[Thisisjustadream]

i should of killed myself 2 months ago when i had the chance. I had access to the shotgun and shells, but i fucked that up.

 

[Cevapcici]

I don't regret giving life a last try several years ago - when I enrolled in a "second chance high school" and EVENTUALLY graduated at age almost 20 years of age.I thought I'd get my shit together, stop being a fucked person,study and forget about my past. But it don't work like that in life. Your past follows you everywhere, especially if you'd don't have the money to geographically move away and restart a new life. I'm actually proud of myself for trying , and it's a miracle I'm still alive to this day, but unfortunately , not all miracles are a good thing. Survival in itself , is not necessarily a good thing, survival for survival is a dog's life. So I think it's about time for me to go with dignity over sticking around with delusions of a better future.

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

yes and no, wish i had done it before so i wasn't in as much pain now, but if i could go back there would be a lot of things i would change to the point where i might not ctb