Anyone else want to die yet live at the same time?

[Mistiie]

As I am, I am absolutely, unbearably miserable. I can't stop overthinking. The only interruption from the constant cycles and identity crises I have are through forcing myself to work on my studies or by sleeping - the latter of which I've been doing for almost twelve to thirteen hours a day now, because the thoughts of literally everything in my life become just impossibly heavy on my conscience.

However, when it comes to other aspects of my life, like those aforementioned studies, it's completely the opposite. I'm excelling in my work, and I have a serious shot of getting into one of the most prestigious universities in the world in a year or two. I'm getting top grades in my classes and in general, my social and academic life seem relatively stable. For my education, I have an almost laughably contrasted optimistic view.

I desperately want to continue my studies at university, and I want to become an incredibly well-educated and qualified individual in the field I'm interested in, if not one of the best in it in general. Though, at the exact same time, death seems to drag me closer and closer. What was once an idea that I detested became one that I eventually became impartial to, which in turn became an idea that I've become more and more inclined to as the past year or so has dragged on, spurred on by the ceaseless thoughts terrorising my mental state.

Does anyone else face this absolute contradiction in their life? One minute, I will hold incredible levels of pride in my work and in my possible future, and in the next, I find myself wanting to die before that becomes a possibility, so that I can spare myself of the vast amount of thoughts that I'll have to inevitably cope with otherwise.

 

[tidal1]

I don't know you that well, but just from what I've read from some of your other posts, you seem like an incredibly bright and talented person. You seem like you have a lot going for you. Whatever field you're interested in, I'm sure you'll make tremendous contributions to it. Perhaps, what you're going through is situational depression? I hate to speculate but at that the same time when I was at a prestigious university, I often felt depressed as well. I went through a lot of what you're going through, but I think things can and will improve for you, if you give it time.

 

[Mistiie]

I don't know you that well, but just from what I've read from some of your other posts, you seem like an incredibly bright and talented person. You seem like you have a lot going for you. Whatever field you're interested in, I'm sure you'll make tremendous contributions to it. Perhaps, what you're going through is situational depression? I hate to speculate but at that the same time when I was at a prestigious university, I often felt depressed as well. I went through a lot of what you're going through, but I think things can and will improve for you, if you give it time.

I'm not sure if it's situational depression, I think it's something more chronic. I've felt as suicidal and as depressed as I feel today as I did a month, a year, a decade ago, and whilst things in my life have improved, my emotional state only seems to dwindle. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not happy with what I ever have or if it's because I'm more aware of who I am as I mature but I've noticed it's not getting any better, and I don't expect it to at this rate.

 

[tidal1]

I'm not sure if it's situational depression, I think it's something more chronic. I've felt as suicidal and as depressed as I feel today as I did a month, a year, a decade ago, and whilst things in my life have improved, my emotional state only seems to dwindle. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not happy with what I ever have or if it's because I'm more aware of who I am as I mature but I've noticed it's not getting any better, and I don't expect it to at this rate.

Honestly, and you probably don't want to hear this, but you should try to go therapy/maybe try medication if that's an option. I don't always feel like recovery is a solid option for people on here, but I feel like you have a lot of potential and you could really thrive. If, down the line, you still feel this way, then there's a good likelihood that you will continue to feel depressed all throughout adulthood, then sure that's an issue for a separate time.

I hope you reconsider, and I wish you the best regardless.

 

[TheShadowKing]

Yeah i deal with the same problem my brain doesn't like me lol. It's really annoying cause one minute I'll give myself a whole ass motivational speech on how I'ma get shit done and I'm going to make money doing my passion then next minute I'm ready to jump from the Manhattan Bridge.

 

[kipper]

I often feel as though I want to die yet live... I think for me, mortality is what is draining to me. I posted before saying that my ideal would to walk earth as an immortal, whether that be a ghost or other. There's a lot in the world I do enjoy and would like to see, but having to actually live through life? That's what's difficult.