I had several experiences in life like that and this year, in 2019, I have waited for the metaphorical "bomb to explode" (the catalyst that would push me to CTB) and so far, it hasn't which is why I am able to make a short term recovery from actively wanting and wishing to die to just passively wanting to die/life sucks. There were two instances this year, one before I went traveling late winter/early spring this year, and also one this past fall.
In early spring, I told myself, I'd muster the courage to travel and go for it, and if things go to shit (if my travels or whatever encounter went sour or awry), then I'd CTB near end of May 2019. Luckily, things went better than I had hoped for and as a result, I managed to live to no only see my 29th birthday (just a few months ago), but also moved forward.
Just a few months ago, before I went Amsterdam, I once more, gave myself permission that if I couldn't get laid and lose my virginity (including paying for it directly (also it's legal in The Netherlands to buy/sell sexual services).), then I won't see 2020 and will die near end of December 2019. Surprisingly, once again, I have prevailed and succeeded in losing my virginity as well as making an interesting vacation in Europe (traveling solo).
So in both scenarios, I had waited for the metaphorical "bomb to explode" but instead, surprised myself as I managed to metaphorically disarm/defuse the bombs and avoid disaster. To this day, I can't say that I enjoy life or wish to live until natural death, but at the minimum, I am not in any hurry to die anytime soon. Others mileages may vary and I am only speaking about my experiences.
