Anyone else using suicide as a "back up plan"

[RealMe]

Hi just wanted to warn everyone that I am a huge rambler and I dont st as y on topic too well so this post will be all over the place

I just joined this site in hopes to meet and talk to open minded people. It's so refreshing to see a site that doesn't try to "save" random strangers all the time. I'm hoping I dont have my hopes up to high for this site. But what I'm seeing so far from reading a few forums here and there are that people are pretty chill and open minded on here. Which is good. I'm hoping i can finally just "talk" openly and not be judged.

Anyway I've never tried to commit suicide in the past but I have considered it. Not in a huge extreme. I've never even started planning it until recently. I'm using it as a backup plan if my life becomes shitty since life right now isnt too bad. I am worried however that my life will become shit once my family dies since I am so close to them. They're all I have and once I die I will have nothing. I currently dont have a job and when I did have one I would either leave from anxiety boredom or get fired which sucks because they were great jobs. I used to be a journalist when I was only 17 but quit because I was anxious about it. I had such a great support system at work too. I feel like I failed them. I also was an editor for a pretty well known voice actor when he first started writing his children's comic book. Once again he was pleased with my work but I quit out of anxiety. It was a great job and he was a great boss. I wish I had more confidence in myself since I've had wonderful jobs and I cant even put them on a resume now that I've quit. Anyway back to what I was saying is that once my family dies I will have nothing. Not even a job so I imagine I would be homeless. I mean I would have their house in my will and some money if they have any left over but I also have my abusive little sister who I imagine would take the house from me and I dont have the energy to fight with her so if she wants the house she can have it. Another reason it will be shit is that I suffer from incurable chronic pain that gets worse as I get older and I'm only 21 and I cant imagine we hate the pain will be like as I get older I have pretty severe sleep bruxism yo the point where I've ground off my teeth to stubs. I have jaw pain and headaches quite often and I think I may be losing some jawbone. I was given a nightguard but that doesnt protect the jaw just the teeth and it certainly doesnt stop the pain. Most people with this condition have to get jaw surgery eventually and jaw surgery is a bitxh with only a 50% success rate. I wish there was as a cure for this condition but there isnt sp if the pain ever gets too bad I plan to off myself. I also have sleep apnea which I am sure makes the condition worse. Also having beuxism makes it more likely for you to get trigminal neuralgia. The most painful condition known to man and has literally been nicknamed 'suicide disease'

Another reason I want to have suicide as a backup plan is I dont want to live to be old and senile. I dont want to be in a nursing home. I would rather die than have dementia, alzheimers, or some other painful condition. I am think that is reasonable wish

But I joined this site to learn more about suicide methods. Which are reasonable, how painful each one is, how long it takes to die from them, which are most accessible, and which have the best death rates. I want to know what I am getting myself into if I do this.

Anyone else on here using suicide as a back up plan?

 

[nasblue]

I'm in a very similar situation.
I yet have a family and some friends, but I'm moving away now and who knows what it'll be like in a few years.
I'm also suffering from chronic pain, although there's a slim chance for it to be cured (for a lot of money).

 

[RealMe]

Why are you moving away and how far?

What pain are you suffering from?

 

[Jon86]

It used to be plan b, it's been plan a for a long time now.

 

[RealMe]

What happened?

 

[Jon86]

What happened?

Worsening physical health, despite my best efforts. Been a constant theme for 20 years, destroyed my life.

 

[nasblue]

Why are you moving away and how far?

What pain are you suffering from?

I'm moving away for college, about 100 kilometers. I have chronic pain following a hernia surgery with mesh.

 

[Brokenanddeadinside]

Yep suicide is always my back up plan its the one thing in my life i can control. No matter how bad life gets I always have the option to end it. I plan to kill myself before I am a certain age. All i do is try and see how much pain I can overcome although all the pain ive gone through has kinda killed who I was I no longer like who I have become. Ive come close to killing myself would sometimes look in the mirror with a loaded gun aiming at my head trying to pull the trigger but everytime my survival instinct makes it hard too. Also have come close to going full throttle on my motorcycle to crash. I feel so fucked in the head like I have two sides of me constantly fighting one side that wants happiness and to do good, and my other side destroys my life and craves toxic relationships like im addicted to feeling emotional pain as its the only time I truly feel. one side wants to stay away from drugs then my other side wants to use drugs and get in fucked up situations. Maybe I feel like I deserve pain and thats why, I never used to be like this but i feel my bad side is more in control then the good and thats why its so hard for me to get help.

 

[mattwitt]

I think that every sane rational human being should obtain the know how and the means to end their life quickly, painlessly and reliable as possible in case they ever want or have to. (In other words always keep a hidden stash of Nembutal somewhere)

 

[RealMe]

I dont even know how I would obtain that...Do you?

 

[RealMe]

Brokenandeadinside, how did you get to this point?

 

[RealMe]

I'm moving away for college, about 100 kilometers. I have chronic pain following a hernia surgery with mesh.

I'm moving away for college, about 100 kilometers. I have chronic pain following a hernia surgery with mesh.

At least you're going to college. That makes you more successful than most of us right now

 

[RealMe]

Worsening physical health, despite my best efforts. Been a constant theme for 20 years, destroyed my life.

Ugh same. It's really fucking frustrating. It's like watching our bodies destroy themselves

 

[Imaginos]

Absolutely. It sucks though because I still don't have any Nembutal or Fentanyl (too lazy to order one of them), which is something I should really remedy in the near future. Ideally I'd like that have at least one of those two blessed substances within arms reach at all times. Not just for my own use mind you, but, potentially, for my parents as well (especially my mother), should they choose to partake in it. You never know when having access to a quick, clean & easy death might come in handy. Perhaps either myself or my mother might become incurably ill, society might collapse leaving us with no means to survive, or my parents might both die leaving me homeless & completely fucked. In each of those unspeakably awful situations, N or F would essentially become the ultimate get out of jail free card. Not having it would be nothing short of a nightmare.

 

[creatureoflight]

Absolutely. It sucks though because I still don't have any Nembutal or Fentanyl (too lazy to order them), which is something I should really remedy in the near future. Ideally I'd like that have at least one of those two blessed substances within arms reach at all times. Not just for my own use mind you, but, potentially, for my parents as well (especially my mother), should they choose to partake in it. You never know when having access to a quick, clean & easy death might come in handy. Perhaps either myself or my mother might become incurably ill, society might collapse leaving us with no means to survive, or my parents might both die leaving me homeless & completely fucked. In each of those unspeakably awful situations, N or F would essentially become the ultimate get out of jail free card. Not having it would be nothing short of a nightmare.

where can you order F?

 

[Imaginos]

where can you order F?

Darknet.

 

[No Future]

Everyone likes options! Personally, I get a certain calm, or confidence, in knowing I have a secret trapdoor I can use to escape, if need be.

I think giving yourself that level of control and influence over your own fate is reassurance for many people here. It's a magic trick in the making.

 

[Deleted member 847]

Imagine if there was a quit button in life like in video games

 

[RealMe]

Imagine if there was a quit button in life like in video games

I would've pushed it already in the past for the dumbest reasons...

 

[Tiburcio]

Yes. Life is only the plan B.