I've tried every class of antidepressants except the MAOI inhibitors. The total drug washout scares me. I also don't want to be banned from more food than I already am. (Starting an elimination diet.) I've done every procedure except ECT. I begged for it multiple times, but the doc said I was a poor candidate for it. I guess it doesn't help long-standing depression much. I've done ketamine, both Spravato and IV infusions. IV ketamine and TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) at the same time helped for some weeks, but it's an exhausting regimen, and stupid expensive.
As for therapy, I've done CBT, DBT, ACT, biofeedback, hypnosis, psychodrama, dream journaling, gratitude journaling, mindfulness, EMDR, group therapy, hospitalizations, 12 step groups, and whatever it was my childhood and teenage years therapists did. I've talked to both full and empty chairs. I've petted a lot of therapy dogs.
I do not have BPD. Everyone assumes I do, because that's what chronic suicidality and treatment-resistant depression is supposed to be. I think personality disorders in general are kind of hogwash. People seem to agree there are three major subtypes, and people with Cluster A personality disorders probably are usefully distinct from people with Cluster C. As for whether there are ten or fourteen or twenty-two of the things, and what counts as a disorder, and who is put in one box and who goes in another, there's more subjectivity than I would like. Diagnoses are not all harmless, either. Personality disorders can be used as evidence of the unfitness of a parent to have custody of a child. They can mean the difference between a diversion program and prison. Cluster A personality disorders, as well as BPD, are the ones most likely to be unwanted labels. I was diagnosed with BPD at 18, and the docs told my parents that you basically had to throw away the whole kid. I was always going to need intensive therapy, I was quite likely to kill myself, and there were no cures or even treatments. This was before DBT, and BPD patients were thought to be hopeless. A lot of therapists refused to see patients with that label. They were considered too much work for no payoff. There was no compassion.
I don't even have BPD. I was a traumatized and poorly-socialized adolescent. And frankly, they pissed me off. I figured they had it coming. :p According to one doc, I do have a personality disorder, though, and it's my very favorite psychiatric condition in my extensive collection: "Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified." Out of the foggy haze of personality disorders, the doc has pulled the foggiest of them all. It is a rare honor, and I will bear it with pride.
Why am I talking about that? Who cares about my ridiculous diagnosis. :p
Anyway, I seem not to technically have a mental condition at all. I have a number of physical conditions that have psychiatric features. I definitely have Pyrrole Disorder and a pretty bad intolerance to yeast. I strongly suspect that I also have a mild form of Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia. I'm supposed to follow this ultra-restrictive elimination diet, and this will help, I'm told. I kept putting it off because it sounds awful, but I'm finally starting it, because what I've been doing lately isn't working.
this guy.
