Anyone else suicidal because they’re evil ?

[timetodie24]

One of my reasons for ctb is that I'm truly evil. I never carried out evil acts but my mind goes there a lot. If I live I'd likely end up down a path leading to prison. Deep down I am a monster. Well not me that I was born as. I have taken over this person's body and brain. They didn't disable it in time and die so I'm going to wreck havoc on their life .

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

This is pretty much my main reason. Having been scorned too much by those I had affection for has made me mostly bitter and hollow and if I'm allowed to live even if my life improves there is no telling the amount of damage I would cause people in the future with my evil ways.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Everyone's mind goes to a dark place. What matters is that you don't act on those thoughts. People like to make out this idea of having a "pure mind" where all of your thoughts and fantasies are happy and good, but humans are impure creatures. A lot of us have gross, horrible, violent thoughts and fantasies, but that's okay. The boundaries we have when it comes to our fantasies are not reflective of our real-life boundaries.

 

[timetodie24]

This is pretty much my main reason. Having been scorned too much by those I had affection for has made me mostly bitter and hollow and if I'm allowed to live even if my life improves there is no telling the amount of damage I would cause people in the future with my evil ways.

So sorry you can relate and for the pain that brought you to the point .

Everyone's mind goes to a dark place. What matters is that you don't act on those thoughts. People like to make out this idea of having a "pure mind" where all of your thoughts and fantasies are happy and good, but humans are impure creatures. A lot of us have gross, horrible, violent thoughts and fantasies, but that's okay. The boundaries we have when it comes to our fantasies are not reflective of our real-life boundaries.

That's true. Although my boundaries are blurring. And sometimes I think I enjoy thoughts that used to disgust me. Losing control, i'm not my own mind anymore and i could act so must stop this body permanently.

 

[Saturn_]

I know exactly how it feels to have very evil and socially unacceptable thoughts. Sometimes you can be so immersed in your own imagination that thoughts blur with intent, and therefore you feel like an evil person who is engaging in these evil thoughts out of enjoyment. But if you truly enjoy them, why have you never acted on them? Why do you hold yourself back? Why are you self aware? Why do you wish death on yourself in order to help others? Please just try to hold onto the fact that, even in the most disorientating blur of imagination and intent, you are not your thoughts. You are what you put out into the world. As long as you have a desire to do good, you can be good, no matter what goes on in your mind. I believe in you. And even if I could take a look into your head right now and see what you think of, I'd still believe in you.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

That's true. Although my boundaries are blurring. And sometimes I think I enjoy thoughts that used to disgust me. Losing control, i'm not my own mind anymore and i could act so must stop this body permanently.

Enjoying thoughts that disgust you is normal. The fact that it disgusts you is important though, since it highlights that you know they are wrong and that you likely won't ever act on them. Sometimes we have dark desires and they sometimes reflect certain things going on in our lives that our brain is trying to process. Other times, I guess it could just be our brain exploring hypotheticals. I've had a lot of disgusting and degenerate thoughts that I can't help but oddly enjoy, but they disgust me and I never plan on acting any of them out. Sometimes, I also get scared that one day I'll snap and act out on them. It stresses me. The thing is, feelings of worry tend to stress us out more and do more damage then the hypotheticals we think of in our head.

Most people are horrible at predicting things about themselves. Take affective forecasting for example. Studies have shown that people tend to overestimate how much they think a certain thing will impact them emotionally. We don't notice the unconscious mechanisms that our brains have in place to protect us and make coping easier for us. You likely won't ever act on those thoughts despite the worries you have. We tend to be horrible at predicting shit about ourselves and it is likely that there are already unconscious mechanisms in place keeping you from ever acting out on those thoughts.

Most cases of people acting out on their own dark desires likely stem from a variety of factors, from power and hierarchical social structures to being pushed out of the wider societal in-group to the rationalization of these thoughts and desires. In a lot of cases it's a mixture of some or all of them. Despite how awful a lot of people can be, most people go their enitre life never acting out on their dark desires, especially those who spend their time worrying about and showing care and concern for others, like you.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

I don't think I'm that far to the right of that spectrum, but since I bring everyone down, do not contribute to the people and animals I love, am a burden, and generally just make their lives miserable, that's why I should be put down. I'm a sinking ship and don't want to take anyone else down with me. If that helps.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm not evil. It's this fucking world that is evil.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

But if you truly enjoy them, why have you never acted on them? Why do you hold yourself back? Why are you self aware? Why do you wish death on yourself in order to help others?

Can't say for OP, but for me the only reasons I don't really act on my dark and evil thoughts are simply due to fear and laziness. Granted, I have plenty of those to spare but these traits also bring down my quality of life overall and I am afraid that if I ever do decide to lock in on recovering and curing these traits of mine, then there will be no more barriers to me committing the evil acts in my head. Maybe even if I do decide to mellow out and not commit atrocities, I feel like I will still accidentally cause a lot of trouble for the people around me, much like I already do now. At least if I CTB, any pain and suffering from that will eventually heal without any chance of me coming back to screw things up more.

 

[karmaisabitch]

I'm not evil and will never be. I'm so sorry that you are.

 

[timetodie24]

Can't say for OP, but for me the only reasons I don't really act on my dark and evil thoughts are simply due to fear and laziness. Granted, I have plenty of those to spare but these traits also bring down my quality of life overall and I am afraid that if I ever do decide to lock in on recovering and curing these traits of mine, then there will be no more barriers to me committing the evil acts in my head. Maybe even if I do decide to mellow out and not commit atrocities, I feel like I will still accidentally cause a lot of trouble for the people around me, much like I already do now. At least if I CTB, any pain and suffering from that will eventually heal without any chance of me coming back to screw things up more.

Yes sometimes I feel the consequences are the only thing stopping me. All the life changing fallout and punishment. It's not about my morals, guilt, disgust etc. Some part of me wants to do those things but getting away with it requires a lot of energy and planning.

She didn't used to be like this but that me is gone, I've taken over but I'm stronger and selfish.

 

[groucho]

One of my reasons for ctb is that I'm truly evil. I never carried out evil acts but my mind goes there a lot. If I live I'd likely end up down a path leading to prison. Deep down I am a monster. Well not me that I was born as. I have taken over this person's body and brain. They didn't disable it in time and die so I'm going to wreck havoc on their life .

Have you seen a psychiatrist? It sounds like you may have obsessive compulsive disorder. Intrusive thoughts are very common in OCD.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

I also have these thoughts and desires, too. These thoughts and such are really disgusting, but I take a sort of satisfaction or pleasure from it. Because of these thoughts, I self harm sometimes. I don't act it out because I think that's really pushing it, even though I do think I have come close to it sometimes. I just wanted to say that you're not alone, and the people on this forum help me return my sanity, lol.

 

[divinemistress36]

I dont think evil people are aware they are evil. Trauma makes us have dark disturbing thoughts. I have thoughts of torturing those who have hurt me but I would never act on it. I think we are all dark and light

 

[LaughingGoat]

I definitely get where you're coming from. Having done work with sex offenders and offending socio- and psychopaths, I always thought if I was a pedophile or had any sick urges like that I would just kill myself if treatment didn't put a stop to those thoughts.

 

[Don’tDoxMe]

Yes, and unlike you I have actually done a lot of evil things.

 

[F@#$]

I've come to embrace my evil. Plotting revenge and the horrible future I'm planning for I find comforting.

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

One of my reasons for ctb is that I'm truly evil. I never carried out evil acts but my mind goes there a lot. If I live I'd likely end up down a path leading to prison. Deep down I am a monster. Well not me that I was born as. I have taken over this person's body and brain. They didn't disable it in time and die so I'm going to wreck havoc on their life .

Pretty much. Used to think exactly like this. Like I'd taken over someones body. Nowadays I just stopped caring. It was so intense back then. I miss it.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

One of my reasons for ctb is that I'm truly evil. I never carried out evil acts but my mind goes there a lot. If I live I'd likely end up down a path leading to prison. Deep down I am a monster. Well not me that I was born as. I have taken over this person's body and brain. They didn't disable it in time and die so I'm going to wreck havoc on their life .

Let me just tell you this.
1. We're born evil and it's our choice we choose to be good or not. Look into the superego I.e the subconscious.
2. Prison is a lot better than jail and I don't give a damn who says otherwise because they're flat out lying.
3. No matter what you choose in life, and regardless if you're good or evil... You have a right at life. In the past couple days I have been through two breakups and then had an encounter with two women I had just met that were curious about adding a man into the relationship (so to speak). And a lot of people would say this is evil. I didn't lie to anyone And I didn't cheat on anyone.
And what else was I supposed to do knit?

But do I believe in anyone's rules or authority?
Outside of God, I make my own rules.

At the risk of possibly offending you,
I will say you are more likely hungry and angry than you are evil.
Human beings do terrible things to feed their hunger, there are many so-called good people who persecute they're chosen villains to the ends of the Earth and call it justice.
So unless you're hurting animals or going out committing SA or murder, you're probably not an evil person.
But no one ever talks about carnal desires or sociopathic power fantasies, and the ones that do usually end up masquerading it underneath the guise of BDSM.

If only there were more healthy discussions on this form I think a lot of people who are misguided would find peace outside of the escapist fantasy of CTB. I sincerely wonder how many artists and writers and successful people would have became of the people who CTB here alone.
So if you're having doubts about doing CTB please don't do it.

 

[timetodie24]

Have you seen a psychiatrist? It sounds like you may have obsessive compulsive disorder. Intrusive thoughts are very common in OCD.

It's more than intrusive thoughts and don't have other symptoms of OCD
I



Thank you everyone for your comments . So sorry lots of people can relate. Whilst I'm glad I'm not alone in this, I am really sorry so many can relate. People are made up of good and bad traits, I don't think it's as simple as an evil person or a good person. At least we all have some awareness I guess. But I want to die before I lose that.
I hope you all find peace and relief in some way and that you continue to have the strength to not act on any evil thoughts

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I'm not evil. I feel like I'm relatively good. Though, regardless of whether I'm evil or good, I'd still want to ctb just the exact same as I despise existence and I don't want to live through any part of it

 

[Alex Fermentopathy]

One of my reasons for ctb is that I'm truly evil. I never carried out evil acts but my mind goes there a lot. If I live I'd likely end up down a path leading to prison. Deep down I am a monster. Well not me that I was born as. I have taken over this person's body and brain. They didn't disable it in time and die so I'm going to wreck havoc on their life .

If you thinking about CTB to safe others from you, that means you are not "truly evil" as a whole, but only part of you mind is (if anything).

 

[ThisGameIsOverrated]

I never carried out evil acts but my mind goes there a lot.

I think you may struggle with intrusive thoughts or a mental disorder OP maybe get this checked out by a therapist?

 

[timetodie24]

I think you may struggle with intrusive thoughts or a mental disorder OP maybe get this checked out by a therapist?

I've been to many therapists and professionals over the years. But none can help as I was just born broken.

 

[Alex Fermentopathy]

I was just born broken.

Do you think it may be somehow related to a mind control mentioned in another thread?

 

[callofthevoid_]

I've done some pretty regrettable things that make me inherently a bad person. It's one of the reasons I think I deserve death for. There's nothing I can do to reverse my actions or take back the pain I caused. I'm such a bad person that I can't even face the things I did. If it ever makes it any easier on you at least you didn't act on these thoughts. Can't say the same about myself

 

[timetodie24]

Do you think it may be somehow related to a mind control mentioned in another thread?

Yes it is. If they gain full control of my mind, we'll do terrible things. So must be gone before they do

 

[Alex Fermentopathy]

I've done some pretty regrettable things that make me inherently a bad person. It's one of the reasons I think I deserve death for. There's nothing I can do to reverse my actions or take back the pain I caused. I'm such a bad person that I can't even face the things I did. If it ever makes it any easier on you at least you didn't act on these thoughts. Can't say the same about myself

If you regret about those things, that might mean that you WAS a bad person, but not currently are. Truly evil people do not regret harming others. Please think about this: if you will CTB, that will mean that there will be relatively more truly evil people in the world, because there will be less people like you to counterbalance them.

Yes it is. If they gain full control of my mind, we'll do terrible things. So must be gone before they do

Why don't you try antipsychotic meds before you die? If it helps to get rid of evil thoughts, fine. If it doesn't, things will not become worse, so far as you already decided to CTB.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I think morality is mostly subjective. There are not many morally objective truths. Life is meaningless suffering. If life has no objective meaning no value no importance then why should morality?

My morality is. I just want to avoid extreme pain. Nothing else matters much less "me" or other humans =primates = animals= cells= that first cell or what they do or say. The only things in regards to "me" a bunch of cells that matters is suicide ASAP , avoiding extreme pain then avoiding any suffering or pain . Of course I have to work do chores and not do anything illegal because that would lead to homelessness and or prison.

 

[timetodie24]

Why don't you try antipsychotic meds before you die? If it helps to get rid of evil thoughts, fine. If it doesn't, things will not become worse, so far as you already decided to CTB.

Because they can gain more control of me that way so it will become worse. I can't trust 'professionals' and won't let them control me with meds.