Discussion Anyone else suffered child sexual abuse?

[Fml]

Hi everyone!

I'm a new member to this site even though I've been hovering on here for a while reading other people's posts. I've been depressed for a long time and just wanted to know I wasn't alone in feeling so shit lol.

I think the main reason for being depressed for so long is due to me being sexually abused when I was a child. I was wondering if anyone else has had this happen to them as a child also? I've never talked to anyone who has been through something similar so would be good to help others and be helped by other sufferers.

 

[coma-baby]

I haven't had it happen to me. I'm very sorry that you've had such a traumatic childhood.
My mother, when she was a toddler, was repeatedly raped by her cousin. It ruined her life. Most - if not all - of her struggles with mental illness can be traced back to that trauma that took her life away from her so early.
She had repressed the memories until she was in counselling for drug addiction. They resurfaced and she had to relive the trauma as if it was happening all over again. It sent her deeper into her dependency with pain killers. She has borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, and depression. She's gone through a lot of different street drugs trying to find something that made her feel better. Currently, she's smoking marijuana constantly and only drinks vodka. It's sad to see her stumble through life because she doesn't have the proper tools to cope with her trauma.
You don't have to be like that though obviously. I hope you're able to find someone to talk to about your abuse history in a way that is constructive and that will help you cope and move forward.
Have you talked with a professional? Or are you only seeking fellowship and first-hand understanding currently?

 

[Fml]

Thank you very much for your reply coma-baby : ) . I'm so sorry that your mother had to go through all of that at such a young age! I was 8 when it happened to me and it was also a family member who did it. Like you said about it ruining your mother's life, it too pretty much ruined mine and my mental health. I had always blamed myself for what happened and always felt ashamed as it involves incest but a few years ago I was seeing this very helpful lady counsellor and she made me realise that it wasn't my fault. I said to her, "Well what if I asked for it?" and she replied, " You were 8 years old, no 8 year old child asks for sex". You see, I'd forgotten I was only a child as once something like that happens to you, all of your innocence is taken away and you don't feel like a child anymore. So that was a big help for my recovery and being able to forgive myself.

I also have struggled with social anxiety and depression, as well as OCD and I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when I was 23 years old. I'm not surprised your mother uses drugs and alcohol to deal with her demons, I really feel for her! And you're right, it's so sad that people don't have proper support to help them deal with these kinds of things! So people just help themselves with whatever gets them through it. The only person in my family who knows what happened is my mother and telling her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I thought she wouldn't believe me or blame me for it so it took me about 11 years to tell her. And thankfully when I did she believed me and stood by me. Because the perpetrator is a family member I have always been so afraid of the rest of the family knowing as our family has always been close and I'm scared it would tear us apart. But I think one day I will be ready for them to know.

Yes, I have only talked to one professional who was the lady counsellor I previously mentioned. I've seen other counsellors over the years but I'd never talked to them about this as I just wasn't ready then. Has your mother ever received counselling for her child sexual abuse? I really hope she can get better and learn to deal with her trauma without the drugs and alcohol.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it really helps! If your mother needs anyone to talk to about her abuse I'd be more than happy to help : ) .

 

[coma-baby]

Thank you very much for your reply coma-baby : ) . I'm so sorry that your mother had to go through all of that at such a young age! I was 8 when it happened to me and it was also a family member who did it. Like you said about it ruining your mother's life, it too pretty much ruined mine and my mental health. I had always blamed myself for what happened and always felt ashamed as it involves incest but a few years ago I was seeing this very helpful lady counsellor and she made me realise that it wasn't my fault. I said to her, "Well what if I asked for it?" and she replied, " You were 8 years old, no 8 year old child asks for sex". You see, I'd forgotten I was only a child as once something like that happens to you, all of your innocence is taken away and you don't feel like a child anymore. So that was a big help for my recovery and being able to forgive myself.

I also have struggled with social anxiety and depression, as well as OCD and I was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome when I was 23 years old. I'm not surprised your mother uses drugs and alcohol to deal with her demons, I really feel for her! And you're right, it's so sad that people don't have proper support to help them deal with these kinds of things! So people just help themselves with whatever gets them through it. The only person in my family who knows what happened is my mother and telling her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I thought she wouldn't believe me or blame me for it so it took me about 11 years to tell her. And thankfully when I did she believed me and stood by me. Because the perpetrator is a family member I have always been so afraid of the rest of the family knowing as our family has always been close and I'm scared it would tear us apart. But I think one day I will be ready for them to know.

Yes, I have only talked to one professional who was the lady counsellor I previously mentioned. I've seen other counsellors over the years but I'd never talked to them about this as I just wasn't ready then. Has your mother ever received counselling for her child sexual abuse? I really hope she can get better and learn to deal with her trauma without the drugs and alcohol.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it really helps! If your mother needs anyone to talk to about her abuse I'd be more than happy to help : ) .

I don't really want her to know that I'm on this forum, or else I would send her your way. I think that people who have suffered abuse should be allowed spaces to talk about it. Again, I hope there are people on this website that come to you to talk.
I'm so relieved to hear that your own mother stood by you. It took a lot of strength to come forward. And your counselor was absolutely correct! No child asks for sex. You are not dirty or damaged. You are working through your trauma and fighting like Hell to get to a place where you feel at peace. I'm so proud of you for being willing to speak up.
I'm unsure if my mother has gotten counselling specifically for her csa trauma. She's been in with multiple different counselors for her substance abuse. The main focus of substance abuse counselling is trying to figure out why you use. That was how she uncovered her repressed memories. :(
You seem really nice. If you ever need to burn someone's ear, you can message me on here.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Very quick reply as its early but just so I can find this post again later, I was sexually abused from the age of 6yrs to around 14yrs. It was hell, my mother never believed me, despite her knowing she was allowing a convicted paedophile in our home on a daily basis. It's caused a list of life long problems, and effected my path in life in many many ways.

 

[burnedCookie]

yes, from 12 to 15 by one of my aunts. I never talked about it to my family because it would have destroyed my mother, and also because I am a guy
anyway 25 years ago nobody would have listened or believed a 15 years old boy saying he has been regularly forced to "play" adult games with his so beautiful aunt since he was 12

I told a very good friend about it once and he answered "you are lucky, she's so hot"

so I just kept my mouth shut

 

[Fml]

I don't really want her to know that I'm on this forum, or else I would send her your way. I think that people who have suffered abuse should be allowed spaces to talk about it. Again, I hope there are people on this website that come to you to talk.
I'm so relieved to hear that your own mother stood by you. It took a lot of strength to come forward. And your counselor was absolutely correct! No child asks for sex. You are not dirty or damaged. You are working through your trauma and fighting like Hell to get to a place where you feel at peace. I'm so proud of you for being willing to speak up.
I'm unsure if my mother has gotten counselling specifically for her csa trauma. She's been in with multiple different counselors for her substance abuse. The main focus of substance abuse counselling is trying to figure out why you use. That was how she uncovered her repressed memories. :(
You seem really nice. If you ever need to burn someone's ear, you can message me on here.

I totally understand that you wouldn't want her to know you're on this forum! Why did I not even think of that? Duhhh lol. Thank you for your support and kind words, you have no idea how much that means to me : ) . I can imagine how scary and hard it must have been for your mum to have realised what was causing her problems, at least she made that first step on the road to recovery and I really hope she gets there eventually!

You also come across as a lovely person! And I'm here for you too if you ever need to talk, you've got a friend in me : ) .

 

[Tegan_sky]

Yes, also sexually abused/repeated trauma by my father from age of 4 years old till about 8 years old. It was all physical trauma during that time, penetration, the works. After 8 years of age he stopped with the physical trauma but started saying verbal creepy things. Once I was a sophomore in high school, and I took a summer school sewing class, my mother bought me a big sharp pair of scissors...which I slept with from then until the time I moved out of my father's house at 21. I also carried the scissors whenever I had to go anywhere alone with my father. Everyone, my mother, brothers, grandmother, aunts and uncles, all knew I am sleeping with scissors, but nothing's the matter here, right?

Eventually, once one of my father's younger sisters told my Mother about how he raped her when she was only 6 years old, my mother ended up bringing it up to me, "were you molested?! Were you RAPED?! It was your father, wasn't it??" she believed me and supported me on this until she died, she was afraid of my father too, afraid he would stalk her and kill her if she ever left him. she finally got to get away from him by dying,...she had a bad heart, stopped taking her heart meds and stopped going to the doctor, waited to keel over, and at 70 that's just what she did. this was how she finally got away from my father.

In a therapy group for incest survivors, it was 1989, years before the Internet and email...in the group we were all given a handout that said "Early trauma can upset brain chemistry for years." How true for me. I have major depression with psychosis, bipolar, crippling anxiety, schizoaffective disorder, and from the very first time I tried drinking, I drank to get smashed.

basically my father had been raping children from at least when he was 12 years old. And I don't think there is a child he didn't sexually abuse if he had access to them alone, including all of my four brothers. Everyone in my family has had a death wish at some points in our lives, and two out of four of my brothers died way too young. One died at 18, the other died at 42.

 

[Fml]

Yes, also sexually abused/repeated trauma by my father from age of 4 years old till about 8 years old. It was all physical trauma during that time, penetration, the works. After 8 years of age he stopped with the physical trauma but started saying verbal creepy things. Once I was a sophomore in high school, and I took a summer school sewing class, my mother bought me a big sharp pair of scissors...which I slept with from then until the time I moved out of my father's house at 21. I also carried the scissors whenever I had to go anywhere alone with my father. Everyone, my mother, brothers, grandmother, aunts and uncles, all knew I am sleeping with scissors, but nothing's the matter here, right?

Eventually, once one of my father's younger sisters told my Mother about how he raped her when she was only 6 years old, my mother ended up bringing it up to me, "were you molested?! Were you RAPED?! It was your father, wasn't it??" she believed me and supported me on this until she died, she was afraid of my father too, afraid he would stalk her and kill her if she ever left him. she finally got to get away from him by dying,...she had a bad heart, stopped taking her heart meds and stopped going to the doctor, waited to keel over, and at 70 that's just what she did. this was how she finally got away from my father.

In a therapy group for incest survivors, it was 1989, years before the Internet and email...in the group we were all given a handout that said "Early trauma can upset brain chemistry for years." How true for me. I have major depression with psychosis, bipolar, crippling anxiety, schizoaffective disorder, and from the very first time I tried drinking, I drank to get smashed.

basically my father had been raping children from at least when he was 12 years old. And I don't think there is a child he didn't sexually abuse if he had access to them alone, including all of my four brothers. Everyone in my family has had a death wish at some points in our lives, and two out of four of my brothers died way too young. One died at 18, the other died at 42.

Oh for God's sake! I just wrote a very long reply to you and it posted twice so I thought I was deleting one of them but it deleted both! Does anyone know if you can un delete things if possible? If not then I will write it again no problem : )

 

[Life sucks]

Yep but I'm disassociated from my past because of mental problems that happened later in life. When those mental problems came , for better or worse, I became new person and past experiences won't hurt as much because of I got hurt much by the mental problems themselves. (don't know if I explained properly)

 

[Fragile]

yes, i don't really want to go into details, but i was 7 when it all happened.

it really fucked me up while growing up but now it is not even close to being one of the main reasons i want to ctb for.

 

[Pistolero114]

Yes. Was sexually assaulted by a male family friend who had a penchant it would seem for young boys.......he molested my two brothers as well although to this day neither of them will speak about it.

My parents; or at least my mother gave this person room and board and always put him in my room with me. I want to think my father was aware as I believe he was. He just simply couldn't say anything without life being miserable for him.

But at sixty years of age what's to be done right? It's been a lifetime of basically shame and ruined marriages because of a near lifetime of carrying it around has beat my hope and my soul right into the ground.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Yes. Mine was awful in a strange way because it wasn't penetration rape, but I just got fondled and rubbed on by many men as a child growing up. i think what made it so horrible is that since it wasn't painful, but a conbination of confusing, fear, happy and getting attention even if I knew it was wrong. *sigh* there is just no end to the ways us humans screw each other up eh? :(

 

[Fml]

Yep but I'm disassociated from my past because of mental problems that happened later in life. When those mental problems came , for better or worse, I became new person and past experiences won't hurt as much because of I got hurt much by the mental problems themselves. (don't know if I explained properly)

Hi Life sucks, thank you for replying : ) .

Yeah, I think you explained it pretty clearly. I can relate to you here, a lot of my memories of my abuse I think are repressed because my mental issues occupy my mind mostly. Is this what you were trying to explain? I think maybe it is the bodies way of trying to survive through it all? I can remember quite a lot of my abuse but I think the worst bits have been buried by my mental issues. So thankfully I don't suffer flashbacks but maybe if they resurfaced for whatever reason then I probably would. Maybe all mental illnesses that aren't genetic or inborn are developed as a way of surviving? I particularly like the song lyric from the song "Crazy" by Seal, "We're never gonna survive unless we are a little crazy" I think it ties in with my theory.

Do feel free to talk with me anytime you feel you need someone to confide in : ) .

yes, i don't really want to go into details, but i was 7 when it all happened.

it really fucked me up while growing up but now it is not even close to being one of the main reasons i want to ctb for.

Hi Fragile, thank you for replying! I'm so sorry this happened to you at such a young age! I can totally understand why you don't want to go into it, I had to stop going to counselling after a while as it just got too much to talk about and delve into in the end. It just really messes with me emotionally and I lose my appetite. You are very brave for coming out and admitting it happened to you so well done!

If you ever need someone to confide in, I'm always here : ) .

Yes. Was sexually assaulted by a male family friend who had a penchant it would seem for young boys.......he molested my two brothers as well although to this day neither of them will speak about it.

My parents; or at least my mother gave this person room and board and always put him in my room with me. I want to think my father was aware as I believe he was. He just simply couldn't say anything without life being miserable for him.

But at sixty years of age what's to be done right? It's been a lifetime of basically shame and ruined marriages because of a near lifetime of carrying it around has beat my hope and my soul right into the ground.

Hi Pistolero 114, thank you for replying!

I'm so sorry this happened to you as a little boy! I can't believe your mother let this man stay in the same room as her very young son! Maybe she really trusted him? I dunno but I personally wouldn't let any adults stay in the same room as my children, even if they were really, really close friends. You just can't trust people! Have you told anyone else about this? Any of your family or friends? I was terrified of telling but I just felt that I had to get it out of myself to start healing. It felt like a whole world had been lifted off my shoulders, even though I still suffer mentally these days. I know all too well that feeling of shame but I finally realised it's not my shame to feel, it's my cousins shame to feel as he did it. I've only ever had one relationship but it wasn't healthy at all because of my issues so I'm glad it's ended. I feel like I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life romantically but in a way I don't mind because people only hurt you anyway!

If it's of any solace to you, know that I'm here to confide in if ever you feel like it : ) .

Yes. Mine was awful in a strange way because it wasn't penetration rape, but I just got fondled and rubbed on by many men as a child growing up. i think what made it so horrible is that since it wasn't painful, but a conbination of confusing, fear, happy and getting attention even if I knew it was wrong. *sigh* there is just no end to the ways us humans screw each other up eh? :(

Hi Dawn 0071111, thank you for replying!

I'm so sorry that you got mistreated by all those men as a child : ( . It's so sad how adults can abuse us instead of look after us and keep us safe! They're meant to be people we can trust but sadly not all of them can be trusted. I know exactly what you mean by saying it made you feel all of these conflicting feelings about it. I've read other people's stories about their child sexual abuse and they said they felt ashamed because it felt good to them but no one should feel ashamed because of that as those parts of our body are made for pleasure. Also, children need attention from adults as it helps them to survive so don't feel like it was your fault that you wanted attention. It is all of those mens fault for not giving you the right kind of attention and abusing you instead. You're right, humans are probably the most selfish and cruel creatures on Earth! But at least there are the few good ones, I know I would never abuse an innocent child or an animal, it's unthinkable!

If you need someone to confide in, I'm always here : ) .

 

[Life sucks]

Thanks

Sadly I got both the genetic and non-genetic ones as I have multiple mental problems

 

[Fml]

Thanks ❤

Sadly I got both the genetic and non-genetic ones as I have multiple mental problems

Same here Life sucks! Got diagnosed with Aspergers in my early twenties so it makes socialising difficult and knowing what people really mean is hard at times too. If you don't mind me asking, what mental problems do you have?

 

[Life sucks]

Same here Life sucks! Got diagnosed with Aspergers in my early twenties so it makes socialising difficult and knowing what people really mean is hard at times too. If you don't mind me asking, what mental problems do you have?

I have multiple states I don't know how to describe. But mainly depression and sometimes anhedonia. I got a painful MDD firstly and the pain was unimaginable, it continued later but then the forms are changing

 

[Nootnoot]

I did, but I will not be discussing it here.

Let the past die, kill it if you have to...

 

[ravergirl]

Hi everyone!

I'm a new member to this site even though I've been hovering on here for a while reading other people's posts. I've been depressed for a long time and just wanted to know I wasn't alone in feeling so shit lol.

I think the main reason for being depressed for so long is due to me being sexually abused when I was a child. I was wondering if anyone else has had this happen to them as a child also? I've never talked to anyone who has been through something similar so would be good to help others and be helped by other sufferers.

I was a regular victim of CSA, and my abuser (now in prison) was involved in making cp.