Anyone else struggling with self-forgiveness?

[ghostspace]

Hello, I'm quite new, so please let me know if I'm breaking any rules or stepping out of line with the culture of the community. I feel so comforted by the kindness I've seen here so far and am glad I found this space.

I was wondering if anyone else's desire to depart stems from not being able to forgive oneself for something done in the past.

I'm currently in therapy and forgiveness is where I always get stuck. Yes, I'm a different person now, time has passed and I've learned from what I did. Yet I can't forgive myself and move on to continue through life because I know in my heart that I don't deserve that. I can't undo what I did and no matter how much time goes by, the past is forever and I did something horribly wrong.

My whole life is at a standstill. I'm 22 and live alone, no work or school because my mental disorders are so severe. I'm home alone all the time thinking about how I just want to start over. If I could just go back in time and get it right, I wouldn't want to die so desperately right now.

I think about this so intensely that I nearly convince myself it's possible to go back if I concentrate hard enough. It's heartbreaking when it comes crashing down and I know there's nothing I can do, it's part of me forever.

Does anyone else feel this way? Would you feel comfortable sharing your experience with this vicious cycle? I feel utterly isolated and alone.

 

[Notabadguy]

I regret my actions too, it's has been harmful por me and for my parents. I didn't anything ethically wrong, I'm just a fool, plain and simple. I used drugs when young, maybe that was the problem.

 

[peacefighter]

THIS IS ME, EXACTLY. In such pain and want to die so much because of something I did that can't be changed, and nothing can change that. It happened 7 months ago and my depression and downward spiral began exactly then. Therapy says I need to either forgive myself or accept I just made a bad decision, but I can do neither and would rather die than talk about it with them.

 

[LMLN]

Same here. My guilt is so great I cannot bear it. I'm sorry you are stuggling.

 

[peacefighter]

I don't know what to say to you because I am stuck in exactly the same place, trying to undo the past in my head, and unable to work or study, unable to move on with my life. Just want to go so much. Can only let you now that you are not alone in that stuck place.

 

[HannahB]

Forgiveness isnt what you think. It isnt just saying well that's ok I'm ok with this. It's not even being ok with it its deeper. We all do this thing were we make a mistake and then try to change said mistake. Common. But in the process we label that thing, that action, as something else. A bad character flaw or a bad decision maybe lack of knowledge it doesnt matter in every case its somthing that isnt you. That's the problem forgiveness is about seeing all parts of yourself and seeing how others are the same. All the bad things you've ever done were you pure and simple you did it period. You cannot slice off pieces of your being and label them as other expecting to feel whole. Forgiveness is leaning into those parts asking why are you so upset? And realizing it's because you have always ignored them, why wouldnt they be upset. Then you gain somthing new for yourself, compassion. That's true forgiveness.

 

[porfin1234]

I have always been on this cycle of feeling guilty over things I've done and said.
But in my case at least it is counterproductive .. forgiveness actually makes it more possible for you to avoid repeating the same mistakes again in my opinion. Forgiveness gives you the permission to move forward and improve. Because the more of a negative headspace you are and you identify with perceived wrongdoings, the more likely your subconscious will continue that pattern even if you tell yourself you don't want to.

 

[Ange_Fatigue]

Your problem you have yo forgive you, your guiltyness means one thing : you have change.
You are not able to do that thing you did anymore.

We can forgive a lot of think when it comes from someone else, but when we are the person to forgive it s quite hard.

Your are not this one and only action, you are a man, which had done many things, good things, bad things, liké any of us. You are much more than one misdeed, take time to heal.

 

[ghostspace]

Your problem you have yo forgive you, your guiltyness means one thing : you have change.
You are not able to do that thing you did anymore.

We can forgive a lot of think when it comes from someone else, but when we are the person to forgive it s quite hard.

Your are not this one and only action, you are a man, which had done many things, good things, bad things, liké any of us. You are much more than one misdeed, take time to heal.

You're right, I have changed. I'm a much better person now than I was as a teenaged girl. I would never think to do the things I did then in the present.

But the things I did hurt people. And I know from experience that the kind of hurt I inflicted doesn't go away, it can be with a person forever. I can't cope with knowing how easily and thoughtlessly I treated others.

You're right, it's so much easier to forgive others than ourselves. Those are comforting words because maybe the people I hurt might not see me as the monster I see myself as. Maybe they have more compassion for me than I do (though I don't deserve that.) Thank you for weighing in.

I don't know what to say to you because I am stuck in exactly the same place, trying to undo the past in my head, and unable to work or study, unable to move on with my life. Just want to go so much. Can only let you now that you are not alone in that stuck place.

(I don't know how to 'react' with a heart, I can only 'like' things, but I'd give you a hug if I could.) I'm glad that you exist, here, today, because even though you're in pain, you made me feel less alone and that means you have purpose. I'm sorry you know what this feels like.

 

[Jlt]

I am really struggling with this. My guilt makes me want to CBT even more.
I have been an addict for eleven years. My addiction is the kind no one talks about. I have hurt the ones I love.
My self loathing ways on me everyday.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

THIS IS ME, EXACTLY. In such pain and want to die so much because of something I did that can't be changed, and nothing can change that. It happened 7 months ago and my depression and downward spiral began exactly then. Therapy says I need to either forgive myself or accept I just made a bad decision, but I can do neither and would rather die than talk about it with them.

MEE TOO, RELATABLE

 

[rntmss]

My guilt of ruining my beautiful marriage is something I've been struggling with for the last 9 months.

She begged me for years to get my mental health in order when she noticed things were going badly for me. I wasn't consistent with my antidepressants and I just kept slipping and slipping.

After I attempted to CTB in April, things were never the same. We made a couples counselling appointment and never made it there. We had a huge fight a couple weeks after the hospital stay and I just spiraled out of control. Drinking heavily and a whole bunch of bad fucking decisions.

I tried to reach out and reconcile with her a few months ago and she just was having none of it.
I miss her every day. I should have fucking listened to her and I would be laying in bed next with her right now looking at cat pictures on Instagram.

I just can't move on with my life no matter how hard I try.

 

[Mr2005]

Yes and words

 

[Lostandfound7]

My guilt of ruining my beautiful marriage is something I've been struggling with for the last 9 months.

She begged me for years to get my mental health in order when she noticed things were going badly for me. I wasn't consistent with my antidepressants and I just kept slipping and slipping.

After I attempted to CTB in April, things were never the same. We made a couples counselling appointment and never made it there. We had a huge fight a couple weeks after the hospital stay and I just spiraled out of control. Drinking heavily and a whole bunch of bad fucking decisions.

I tried to reach out and reconcile with her a few months ago and she just was having none of it.
I miss her every day. I should have fucking listened to her and I would be laying in bed next with her right now looking at cat pictures on Instagram.

I just can't move on with my life no matter how hard I try.

Hey Love. I can relate in a way to this, being a married woman going thru our share of struggles . I can tell u that if u miss her terribly, chances r, she misses u just as much. She just doesnt want to go thru the same issues.whatever mistakes u have made in ur marriage, there is a possibility that it can b rectified. Maybe ur wife needs time apart n just to see that ur getting help n doing better. Just give her some time n get the help u need. Women often find that we have to make drastic moves to get some change. This could very well b temporary so don't give up on ur marriage just yet..Trust me

Hello, I'm quite new, so please let me know if I'm breaking any rules or stepping out of line with the culture of the community. I feel so comforted by the kindness I've seen here so far and am glad I found this space.

I was wondering if anyone else's desire to depart stems from not being able to forgive oneself for something done in the past.

I'm currently in therapy and forgiveness is where I always get stuck. Yes, I'm a different person now, time has passed and I've learned from what I did. Yet I can't forgive myself and move on to continue through life because I know in my heart that I don't deserve that. I can't undo what I did and no matter how much time goes by, the past is forever and I did something horribly wrong.

My whole life is at a standstill. I'm 22 and live alone, no work or school because my mental disorders are so severe. I'm home alone all the time thinking about how I just want to start over. If I could just go back in time and get it right, I wouldn't want to die so desperately right now.

I think about this so intensely that I nearly convince myself it's possible to go back if I concentrate hard enough. It's heartbreaking when it comes crashing down and I know there's nothing I can do, it's part of me forever.

Does anyone else feel this way? Would you feel comfortable sharing your experience with this vicious cycle? I feel utterly isolated and alone.

Hey love. I can totally relate, but I'm a few yrs older. I have such a hard time forgiving myself for not making more of my life. What I wouldn't do to b 22 again! I am in grad school now but it's much harder cuz I have bills, marriage, a home I need to maintain. I can't forgive myself for not starting a biz n I have so many talents. I basically sat back n watched everyone around me "do" while I made excuses. .now here I am trying to make things right..this is my daily struggle. Ur not alone..