anyone else struggling to leave family behind?

[PrincessInWhite]

I am interested in hearing from people struggling to leave loved ones behind. I am in a unique situation, my mom is extremely cognitively impaired so in that way it will be a saving grace I think, she won't fully understand or grieve. My long time best friend since childhood is also dead. I am extremely guilty and worried, however, about my dad, brother, boyfriend, and grandmother.

I struggle so much with getting them to understand that I truly don't want a life of having to work to scrape by and worry constantly about making ends meet and being in debt or without basic needs, and that's pretty much life anywhere nowadays unless you're lucky enough to be born wealthy or mentally healthy enough to work a great job, and I am not. I can really only handle low pressure minimum wage jobs, despite graduating with a degree in a stressful/lucrative field.

I will be leaving no debt in my name behind, which is good. 25k in the bank account, already made it payable upon death to my dad. I want to be cremated, no need for a coffin or plot of land which saves a small bit. I will leave behind letters of course, I am cleaning my room out as best I can as well to minimize the physical mess left behind and will continue to put aside money for them to have until I go.

But I know it will still destroy them. That they have hope I could have a better life or get better or whatever. I am struggling so badly not necessarily with dying, but with leaving them. And the good times behind, even though I know the older I get the less good times I will have without getting it together and getting a higher paying job, etc, which I don't feel is in the cards for me with my mental health. The life I would live working these lower paying jobs and the stress just isn't worth it to me. I will explain this to them but I know they will still feel tremendous guilt and pain and I can't stop that, and it kills me.

Can anyone relate to any of these rambles? I guess I'm just looking for solidarity as well as advice or media that has helped you in this regard- movies, documentaries, books, songs, etc.

Thank you in advance! xx

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I get upset at the thought of leaving my family. I wouldn't say it holds me back like it used to, but there is a certain sense of remorse that I can't get over.

 

[lonelymountaingirl]

I worry that my going to ctb will kill my mom who had a cardiac event last December

and I feel poorly that it is probable.

and of course that compounds how awful I feel about everything...

cycling cycling cycling

 

[Isitmytime]

If I had any family that loved me, I would still fight, for them and for my life. But I have no one that actually cares. I thought I did, but he left me, after 20 years together. Said he wants to be "free". Even my parents, both narcissists, never loved me - I didn't say it myself, a therapist explained it to me, after hearing my story. I worked since I was 15 and always supported them with money, even when I had to borrow for that. But they still left me alone on a hospital bed, after surgery. So maybe you should think about it... you are loved. It's very important, at least to me, knowing how hard it is when nobody really cares. Not invalidating your feelings here - just giving my perspective. I always thought that if I had someone to really love me, I would not have to ctb. At least not as long as I am not terminally ill.

 

[loopylou]

Yeah I do feel that. Which is ironic as they don't speak to me unless shits hit the fan somewhere in the family and I'm the one to sort it out. I actually don't think they would care when I'm gone

 

[lago]

I have been in an abusive marriage so long that I am completely isolated from my family. My wife will be thrilled when I CTB.
I do feel sorry for my little dog. I hope my wife has the decency to let her sleep in her bed (normally the little thing sleeps in my bed).

 

[notsociallywired]

I am interested in hearing from people struggling to leave loved ones behind. I am in a unique situation, my mom is extremely cognitively impaired so in that way it will be a saving grace I think, she won't fully understand or grieve. My long time best friend since childhood is also dead. I am extremely guilty and worried, however, about my dad, brother, boyfriend, and grandmother.

I struggle so much with getting them to understand that I truly don't want a life of having to work to scrape by and worry constantly about making ends meet and being in debt or without basic needs, and that's pretty much life anywhere nowadays unless you're lucky enough to be born wealthy or mentally healthy enough to work a great job, and I am not. I can really only handle low pressure minimum wage jobs, despite graduating with a degree in a stressful/lucrative field.

I will be leaving no debt in my name behind, which is good. 25k in the bank account, already made it payable upon death to my dad. I want to be cremated, no need for a coffin or plot of land which saves a small bit. I will leave behind letters of course, I am cleaning my room out as best I can as well to minimize the physical mess left behind and will continue to put aside money for them to have until I go.

But I know it will still destroy them. That they have hope I could have a better life or get better or whatever. I am struggling so badly not necessarily with dying, but with leaving them. And the good times behind, even though I know the older I get the less good times I will have without getting it together and getting a higher paying job, etc, which I don't feel is in the cards for me with my mental health. The life I would live working these lower paying jobs and the stress just isn't worth it to me. I will explain this to them but I know they will still feel tremendous guilt and pain and I can't stop that, and it kills me.

Can anyone relate to any of these rambles? I guess I'm just looking for solidarity as well as advice or media that has helped you in this regard- movies, documentaries, books, songs, etc.

Thank you in advance! xx

Hi, I can relate to this so much.

The only people I have to leave behind are my dad, sister and long term boyfriend but I'm mainly worried about my boyfriend. We do everything together and he hopes we can move out and live a life etc. My dad I know will grieve, but I am 23 still living at home and very dependent on him. He often talks of things he wish he could do and I know I am the only thing in the way. So I think I will free him in a way. But leaving my boyfriend is the only thing that is breaking my heart over this.

I can also relate so much to the whole financial situation. I recently graduated in a finance, got a great grad job but my social anxiety made me feel physically ill and my fight or flight just ate me up so like a fucking loser I quit. I've accepted I won't be able to handle any "good" job positions anymore due to my social anxiety and feel so doomed. I'm already working a part time min wage job and don't think it will ever get much better for me.

 

[Beachedwhale]

I am interested in hearing from people struggling to leave loved ones behind. I am in a unique situation, my mom is extremely cognitively impaired so in that way it will be a saving grace I think, she won't fully understand or grieve. My long time best friend since childhood is also dead. I am extremely guilty and worried, however, about my dad, brother, boyfriend, and grandmother.

I struggle so much with getting them to understand that I truly don't want a life of having to work to scrape by and worry constantly about making ends meet and being in debt or without basic needs, and that's pretty much life anywhere nowadays unless you're lucky enough to be born wealthy or mentally healthy enough to work a great job, and I am not. I can really only handle low pressure minimum wage jobs, despite graduating with a degree in a stressful/lucrative field.

I will be leaving no debt in my name behind, which is good. 25k in the bank account, already made it payable upon death to my dad. I want to be cremated, no need for a coffin or plot of land which saves a small bit. I will leave behind letters of course, I am cleaning my room out as best I can as well to minimize the physical mess left behind and will continue to put aside money for them to have until I go.

But I know it will still destroy them. That they have hope I could have a better life or get better or whatever. I am struggling so badly not necessarily with dying, but with leaving them. And the good times behind, even though I know the older I get the less good times I will have without getting it together and getting a higher paying job, etc, which I don't feel is in the cards for me with my mental health. The life I would live working these lower paying jobs and the stress just isn't worth it to me. I will explain this to them but I know they will still feel tremendous guilt and pain and I can't stop that, and it kills me.

Can anyone relate to any of these rambles? I guess I'm just looking for solidarity as well as advice or media that has helped you in this regard- movies, documentaries, books, songs, etc.

Thank you in advance! xx

I relate so much to this. The only solace is that I won't have to see their suffering once I'm gone, as terrible as that sounds. At least you got a good degree. I fucked up so miserably its insane. I'm constantly thinking of the amazing life I couldve had

 

[popcorn]

having no debt and 25k in the bank doesn't sound like struggling to scrape by to me. if your upset to leave them feels you have a supportive dad and in a supportive relationship. have you perused therapy? im sure your dad would prefer you to spend that money on therapy and have you around than inheriting it

im sorry if this comes across preachy its not my intention. im not prolife but i do believe every avenue should be exhausted before making the ultimate decision.

anyways best wishes no matter what u decide and sending u positive vibes (:

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I don't want to hurt my sister and my dad that's all. I really don't want to. But death seems like the only option to end my pain. :( hate this.

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

I know my family and my boyfriend are gonna feel like utter shit if I CTB. But I really want to end all my pain and medicines can only help so much. The world has so many problems and society was not made to be friendly towards people with disabilities like me so why the fuck should I continue living?

 

[PrincessInWhite]

having no debt and 25k in the bank doesn't sound like struggling to scrape by to me. if your upset to leave them feels you have a supportive dad and in a supportive relationship. have you perused therapy? im sure your dad would prefer you to spend that money on therapy and have you around than inheriting it

im sorry if this comes across preachy its not my intention. im not prolife but i do believe every avenue should be exhausted before making the ultimate decision.

anyways best wishes no matter what u decide and sending u positive vibes (:

the only reason I have all that is bc i live at home with zero bills. not feasible long term for a grown ass adult. also am not working anymore since i posted this. I have been in therapy for years, tried meds, different programs, etc. I have definitely tried a lot. I appreciate the well wishes, i didnt clarify enough in my post. 25k and no debtt would certainly be impressive if i were a functioning adult with my own place or paying my own way, but it's far from that

 

[popcorn]

i think its impressive, even more impressive considering you are having difficulties :)

its just a thought but have you ever considered ayahuasca retreat? i researched it some time ago for my ex. it is the only chemical known at this time that actually grows new serotonin neurons. I've never tried it myself but DMT blew me away.. was out of this world literally. i've messed with micro dosing mushrooms before too they are like an amphetamine-lite mood lifters

i appreciate you explaining your situation, if you ever want to vent please feel free to drop in my pm's :) i used to feel pressured to contribute and function like an adult then i had an epiphany and thought, 'hey... i didnt ask to be born and play a part in this shit show so why should i' ...kinda checked out of the daily grind since then and feel a bit more at peace with it all

 

[PrincessInWhite]

i think its impressive, even more impressive considering you are having difficulties :)

its just a thought but have you ever considered ayahuasca retreat? i researched it some time ago for my ex. it is the only chemical known at this time that actually grows new serotonin neurons. I've never tried it myself but DMT blew me away.. was out of this world literally. i've messed with micro dosing mushrooms before too they are like an amphetamine-lite mood lifters

i appreciate you explaining your situation, if you ever want to vent please feel free to drop in my pm's :) i used to feel pressured to contribute and function like an adult then i had an epiphany and thought, 'hey... i didnt ask to be born and play a part in this shit show so why should i' ...kinda checked out of the daily grind since then and feel a bit more at peace with it all

what a lovely reply. I will look into it, I have experimented with psychedelics before with no lasting effects. but never ayahusca. I will send you a friend request if that's ok :)

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, I can't imagine the pain my dad will be in once I leave this world. Not wanting to destroy his life is one of the reasons why I'm still here.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I don't mind destroying my family's life that way but I mind very much the impact of me leaving on my guy and grandmother. In fact, my family has always told me to go ahead and die.
Why not make it into a birthday present? I intend to give them a memorable one... but I feel guilty towards my guy should I go this way, so yes...