Discussion Anyone Else Spent Too Much Time Alone?

[RayoSinSol]

I've spent too much time alone.

People might sometimes look at me from the outside and think I'm a normal person, but inside I feel repulsive and disfigured by the amount of time I've spent alone.

Hypothetically, there's hope for me living a relatively nice life, but I think paying the cost of finding some way to fit in, at this point, after years of being alone...is something I can't pay with the amount of emotional or even physical energy I have right now.

The reasons I've ended up spending so much time alone, in the first place, are still as much a puzzle to me as when I was a kid, and now I'm an adult. A young adult, yes, but an adult. It's so much harder to make friends as an adult, ya know? Or to learn how to socialize nearly from scratch.

I might have autism, or it could just be arrested development due to anxiety, or I could have had an emotionally neglectful childhood, etc. Possibility after possibility. It could be literally millions of different factors influencing where I am now.

I used to love acting...on stage. But I hate acting in real life. It goes against my core values to spend my entire life faking myself. I truly feel like (if I can just find some way to calm myself down through the scary process of dying) I'd literally rather die than fake a whole life, in a world so against my values, where I feel so different that literally everyone I've ever met.

Anyone else feel the same way or similar? If so, I'd LOVE to hear your experience from your own perspective.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Definitely. Difference is is I never truly fit in. And its funny because most people I have met actually like me, but, I really don't fit in with them. There are literally only less than 10 people out of the hundreds I have met and gotten to know fairly well that I could say I felt comfortable enough around and vice versa. That's why I generally was always a lone wolf drifter type. Truth be told though, I could care less about fitting in anywhere. If I cannot be myself wherever I am and around whomever I am with, then it's time to move on because I would rather be alone than fake.

 

[Kumachan]

how much is too much?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I used to love acting...on stage. But I hate acting in real life. It goes against my core values to spend my entire life faking myself.

This. And the world is also almost overwhelmingly against my values.

 

[RayoSinSol]

how much is too much?

Years. Throughout my entire childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood so far (I'm 21, but don't discount my entire experience just because of that, OK?). Despite reaching a lot of developmental and academic milestones...years of being alone, broken up only by necessary moments of social contact, like being at school.

I went to college for two years before dropping out after a psychiatric hospitalization, but I really only had one friend there, who was also basically my only friend from high school.

I've never held down a job for more than five months because....well, describing that particular "because" would require so much to explain that I'd practically have to write a novel. I'll just sum it up in one word: Anxiety. An endless anxiety feedback loop.

Even at home, my family and I would rarely talk much. We're a very...atomized "nuclear family." I could go whole weeks without talking to my family as a kid, even though we lived in the same house.

 

[Nuclear Gandhi]

I feel you. I really enjoy solitude, actually, especially when my mental health is more stable. There are very small group of people with whom I feel comfortable being myself and not overthinking every word, every move, every facial expression. But most of the time... Group situations are the worst! I am just completely loosing myself to my anxiety, to the point where my answers become automatic and I am asking myself "who is talking at this very moment? it's not me". I feel like a socially appropriate doll with limited amount of responses. I want to scream, but keep silent. I am horrible at small talk because most of the time I feel dissociated in the middle of conversation. I can't stop comparing myself to people, even if I recognize there is no truth in that.
I never knew how to play this games in romantic relationship either, which made any person remotely interested in me go far, far away :)

 

[JustAnotherSuicider]

I'm always alone, even at work I'm kinda isolated from others. I don't really have any social contact with people at all, only work-related things with co-workers, and that's it.

 

[_Minsk]

at times my friends joke about me "ohh you still alive" hahah yeah isolation 24/7 when im not at work x3
im pretty introverted too so its not a big deal to me..

 

[GoBack]

Yeah, I always was a bit isolated due to circumstances of where I grew up But I did my best to change that for a long time. Now its come full circle, I'm so isolated that it's become damaging. I'm afraid if people now. Its scary how lonely this is

 

[RayoSinSol]

Yeah, I always was a bit isolated due to circumstances of where I grew up But I did my best to change that for a long time. Now its come full circle, I'm so isolated that it's become damaging. I'm afraid if people now. Its scary how lonely this is

What helped you change it? And what brought you back into isolation?

 

[GoBack]

What helped you change it? And what brought you back into isolation?

Well I left home at 16 and found people. Shared a lot of houses, just surrounded myself with friends. I moved around s lot though so had trouble keeping any stability. And my mental health would always catch up with me.

I ended up back in it because the last breakdown I had, my 5th maybe, something in me just gave up. Time went by, I went in the internet and woke up one day and had forgot how to be around people and lost touch with all friends and family.

The only family I see I don't get on with so I avoid them as much as possible

 

[GoneCantFindHer]

Most definitely. I feel like pretty much all I do now is go to work, come home, clean, take care of my child, and fall asleep. I have nightmares and bad sleep. Rinse and repeat. I've always felt alone, since I was little but there were periods in time where it seemed less so. In my 20s I had friends, we spent alot of time together. I actually went out and did stuff, was active I guess. But after being in a sociopathic relationship in my mid 20s...things changed drastically. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person there. I can't tell anymore if I Iike being alone or if I'm sort of used to it. It bothers me though. I'm alone in a different kind of way. Yes, I have a child. But, its not the same as having friends and adult family members. Like feeling like you belong somewhere. That people check on you and genuinely care? This might sound whiny, and I don't mean it that way at all. Just sharing.

 

[K-O]

im older than you but yes im alone! all the time. i talk to myself constantly etc.. a cctv at mine would be golden materials for an existential satire! but ever since i googled suiced and forum and discovered this place btw exactly a month ago :) ive been not alone?.. so give it up for SS---

 

[fantasy_function]

i have a lot of respect 4 ur core value of being genuine. in the least creepy way possible--at least, i wanna think so--i used 2 watch other people interact n mimic their behaviors/actions/tones/slang bc i had no idea how 2 interact w people on my own. it made 4 a fantastically disingenuous existence, n i gave up on it a long time ago.

i've spent a lot of time on my own--i'm not sure if i can't figure out how 2 socialize bc of this, or if my inability 2 socialize makes me isolate myself by default. makes u feel like a half-formed shadow of a human thing, doesn't it?

 

[Pururin]

Your post hurt a bit to read. Honestly I feel like I my life has a few similarities; university, jobs, anxiety, age...
Relationships are difficult and confusing, and people lie to their own benefit (I've found).

Looking after animals is really great. While learning their personalities and needs is challenging and sometimes frustrating, it brings rhythm and consistency to daily life. Plus, you can talk to them about anything and they won't mind.
While being alone hurts, being around other people also hurts. It's an unpleasant torture cycle and it's easier to just stay away imo.

This became too long and I think now people will be able to tell I haven't spoken to anyone in a long time. In short, I relate quite a bit.

 

[Sadkitty]

I feel you. I really enjoy solitude, actually, especially when my mental health is more stable. There are very small group of people with whom I feel comfortable being myself and not overthinking every word, every move, every facial expression. But most of the time... Group situations are the worst! I am just completely loosing myself to my anxiety, to the point where my answers become automatic and I am asking myself "who is talking at this very moment? it's not me". I feel like a socially appropriate doll with limited amount of responses. I want to scream, but keep silent. I am horrible at small talk because most of the time I feel dissociated in the middle of conversation. I can't stop comparing myself to people, even if I recognize there is no truth in that.
I never knew how to play this games in romantic relationship either, which made any person remotely interested in me go far, far away :)

I relate completely. I have never fit in. I've been lucky if I had one friend at any given time in my life. I'm now 40 and feel like only my sister and mom talk to me, mostly because of my depression and they probably worry I'll off myself during lockdown. Which I probably will, but that's besides the point. It's unfortunate that humans can be so uncomfortable with other humans. I don't even know how to socially interact with people anymore. Literally, I make people uncomfortable. I'm unemployed and if I stay alive, I need to work. I was a nurse for 17 years. So now is an awesome time for me to get back into the game after a year off. My anxiety and depression is off the charts and now a global pandemic. I can't afford to stay alive more than a few months so not quite sure what to do. Disability isn't an option. Sorry, I'm venting a little. It's just hard to deal with all of this stuff by yourself. There are more reasons to die than live but I'm still trying to believe in myself. I think if this virus wasn't here, it might be a little easier. Like. You think things can't get worse, and then they do. Again.

 

[Bct]

I feel you. Somehow, I'm not interested in what most people are into, like sports (know the basic rules yet can't bear to watch an hour or more just for watching. My attention span is too short) so it's hard to relate to most people. I also like to explore some cafes and afraid the others may not be interested in it, so I just explore it by myself.

Deep inside, I feel lonely because it's hard to find a close relationship. Perhaps bad personalities and being betrayed by some people are the main culprits.

 

[Grey-zone]

Thanks for posting about this. I've had a similar life, and am now almost 30. Before the COVID thing started I'd been going to Meetups for somewhat over a year, and they helped somewhat. I also liked taking acting classes and interacting with others, I enjoyed flirting with girls in college etc... Still, connecting with people on a deeper level seemed somehow impossible.
I spent almost the entirety of my adolescence alone.. Shortly after going to middle school I panicked, and so my parents decided to take me out; in retrospect they had no plan, and so I was basically "un-schooled" the rest of my teen years, until getting my GED and then going to community college. I was an only child, and so aside from a few neighborhood kids for the first few years I later had absolutely no peers to talk with, and spent almost the entirety of my days alone. Like you, I didn't even talk much with my parents, and don't know. My father is a driver, and never even taught me how to drive a car (I'm learning now).
I did all right in college, graduated with a Bachelor's and 3.9 GPA after too many years and credits, but I'm having the same thoughts being stuck in my apartment collecting unemployment. How much is too much isolation? It would be different if I ever really enjoyed spending time alone with myself, but that was never the case. It feels more like being stuck in a kind of soft prison. I look back now and can't believe I had the patience to go through with that so many years; it's not particularly reassuring.
Thankfully (I guess) I have a gf, we don't talk much either--relationships can be trapping on their own terms past a certain point, but at least I've been able to work and save a lot of money in the last two years, despite earning minimum wage. I can't think of anything to do with my life, occupationally, socially, psychologically, and would like to change myself completely but my mind can't think of the ways. This is why suicide is attractive.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm in my forties. There are those who believe I may be autistic mainly because they love their labels. I've managed with it my entire life. It may be true but so what at my age?
I found relationships of all descriptions hard when I was young, unless I was drunk. As I grew older, I came to understand that people copied social behaviour to fit in, but I didn't naturally do this. So I made a specific effort to study behaviour and copy it to blend into the crowd.
It took a while but eventually the act became second nature. However, the astute could always see the act and I ended up alone in the end. Now I'm pretty isolated and feel disillusioned with most other people. I'm not even sure I want a relationship with most people now anyway.
Loneliness is awful but it's easy to be lonely in company if you can't relate to anyone.