Anyone else sometimes attempt the path of self-improvement only to think “why bother?”?

[Volatile]

This shit is so exhausting. Where's the reward?

 

[useless]

What sort of self-improvement do you mean?

 

[Volatile]

What sort of self-improvement do you mean?

Trying for a job and doing well at it or going to college and trying for a degree or going to therapy to sort through key issues, etc

 

[killmepls]

I was really into this self help stuff. It didn't work

 

[useless]

I was really into this self help stuff. It didn't work

What were you trying to fix?

 

[Kev]

Yes, absolutely. My life has become a constant struggle between two schools of thought that exist in my mind.

Some days, I tell myself that my life isn't really that bad, and objectively many people would say it's quite good. I have a lot of friends, and a few friends I consider family, my parents are rich, I'm a university student in a highly developed country, I'm very intelligent, etc. So with that positive outlook I try to give myself, I go to the gym, I try employing some CBT strategies, I try to stay on top of my university work, go try and have fun with my friends, plan for my future, etc. I try to live a normal, productive life. I tell myself I need to try so my friends and family don't suffer. Before I was depressed, I had the mentality that self-improvement was everything, and every year I needed to better myself. Some days I try to hold on to that mentality and live as I once used to.

Other days, I remember how many years I've been trying to improve myself, both in looks and confidence and success, to attract somebody, as my main goal and priority in life is, and always has been, simply to love and be loved. I remember how I have completely and utterly failed in spite of years of effort. I remember what I look like. I remember the countless "eww"s I've heard from girls. I remember how shitty of a son I am to my parents. I remember how lazy and how much of a procrastinator I am. I tell myself that because of my work ethic, I will never amount to anything. I tell myself I am a waste of excessive resources, how I am a burden on my family and friends. I remember that mine and everyone elses' life is completely and utterly meaningless in the grand scheme of things; that we are nothing but matter, same as the dirt I walked on. That all of our emotions, memories, thoughts, ambitions, and personalities are comprised of an electric current, the same electric current I use to power my toaster. I remember how I can't even drink alcohol to socialize and get fucked up to escape my mind because of my shitty genetics causing me to be allergic. I remember how my heart was shattered by the only girl I've loved. I remember how my love eventually drove her to resent me and ruined our best friendship. I remember how constantly disappointed I am, both by myself and others. I have been conditioned, through constant rejection, through seeing how girls actually suffer and feel repulsion when I show interest in them, to believe that the love I have to give is completely worthless, no, even worse than that, unwanted and a nuisance. That nobody wants me to love them and nobody wants to love me. I remember how tired I am of all this. And when on the days I remember all that, I want nothing more than to not exist. To be at peace, to be stress free, regret free, to never have to suffer anything ever again, to not have to constantly feel ugly and unwanted.

It is indeed very exhausting.

 

[Ashpac]

*Thinks of positive thoughts*
*Believes they can happen for abit*
*Reality check kicks in after a while*
*Remembers my life has been shit and always will be*
*Back to the same thoughts before they were positive*

Thats pretty much it for me.

 

[mattwitt]

Life isn't easy and we don't all have the same advantages.

 

[TAW122]

I do, and sometimes it's usually to not raise any suspicions around those that I'm close to IRL that I will someday be ending my own life. Another part is the stubborn aspect of the irrational survival instinct, giving me false hope that things will get better (which most oftenly does not).

 

[Duqu]

Going to therapy for me...it's like, "why bother, I'm just going to CTB soon anyway." But I still go.

 

[Runninginpaz]

Completely, but depends on how you define self-improvement, I don't buy the positivism movement, the whole "self-help" industry that comes with it.
I follow more the buddhist or stoic approach, I believe what destroy ourselves is the amount of useless thoughts and delusions that serve nothing but to entertain our minds, following there's the consumist driven society which basically serves just to waste time and create illusions in order to help people from drowning in life uselessness.
The thing is, we are social animals, no matter alone we are we thrive for our peers recognition, this make this approach of life very hard to follow, but this is the best approach that I found, is also the only reason I still didn't killed myself yet.

 

[Robert prosser]

Wow no hope

 

[KCN]

It largely depends upon what you think self-improvement is. Speaking from my point of view, I don't find relationships or "accomplishments" particularly rewarding or significant, regardless of the amount of willpower and good-will I put into everything I try to do. I think I'm just detached from the whole concept of feeling fulfilled with existence. What's the point?

 

[dhk96]

I remember how shitty of a son I am to my parents. I remember how lazy and how much of a procrastinator I am. I tell myself that because of my work ethic, I will never amount to anything.

Replace "son" with "daughter" and that's basically me too. Except I can't call myself intelligent because I forget everything I learn after I take my exams. It doesn't matter how well I do in them if I can't remember any of the information for future application. That's part of what fuels the worthlessness/powerlessness I feel when it comes to the future and of meeting the minimum expectations required to be a filial daughter, or even a human being. Perhaps it has to do with exhaustion, of being too tired and overwhelmed to care or do anything. I've somehow made it this far but my dumbness, laziness, carelessness, and selfishness won't get me anywhere farther after I graduate.

As for self-improvement, I used to be able to try in the little things and worked toward small goals here and there. However, I don't even have the energy to attempt trying anymore. Doing anything other than breathing, procrastinating, and filling my life with nonproductive and meaningless distractions makes me feel like suffocating. I think it's because I've lost all the worldly false hopes that I tried to convince myself were worth it. The only things tying me down to life are my fears of 'not existing' and of pain.

 

[skyofAuroras]

Basically what I've been doing the last couple months. I've been going to therapy, taking my meds (when I can remember), trying to do better at school, and a lot of other stuff to try to improve myself. However, I always start to think whats the point of if I'm eventually going to ctb. But I keep going along in order to keep appearances. This shit really is exhausting.

 

[Mljonzy]

I work out at home and am in good shape but my face doesn't look right on my body. Working out changed nothing for me i don't even feel better after it.

 

[MiserableBastard1995]

Oh man. This, all the fucking time.

 

[bigj75]

Holy shit this is exactly how I feel. I actually did all this last year. I got a new job that paid more, I got my own place, I worked out more and ate right, made more friends to hang out with, etc. Still wasn't enough. Only thing I cared about and that mattered to me is gone a long time ago. So any self improvement that I do now I always end up losing it because I dont have the will to live anymore. It's just so pointless. Having the will to live is so fucking important. People just don't get that. Without the will to live everything you do has no meaning.

 

[satou]

One of my problems is that when I try to do what needs to be done, I tend to take it too far. I become obsessive and a perfectionist, unrealistic about what I need to do, ignore everything else, like eating properly or social contacts. And this then causes me to burn out without any accomplishment. At the very worst I become somewhat paranoid about things I see/hear and people I am in touch with.

I think it is because of my ADD, I am very sensitive to stress, because even when nothing is going on I already feel stressed simply due to noise or doing normal day to day stuff like going to the supermarket. And then to get any real work done I have to push myself into this excited state of mind or I will procrastinate for weeks. Finding the right balance is so hard...

 

[Elpsis]

You'll get there eventually dude. Just keep at it, lots of people really struggle but if you're serious about reaching those objectives then you need to reflect on how best to go forward and then keep at it. Stay in there ^^