I threw my entire adult life down the toilet like this.
It's been almost 30 years now. I had a full on Heroin habit for 20 years. Even though I maintained a job of some kind for most of this time,it had to be subsidised by dealing. Obviously,if you do this stuff for long enough,you're almost bound to get caught. I ended up with a 2 1/2 year prison sentence,which is the only reason it didn't kill me,I'm sure.
I put in my time on the stimulants. Speed was more of a thing back then than coke (in this country anyway). I quite enjoyed my dexidrine,although the gov decided it would become non-addictive and impossible to sell if they stopped prescribing pills and only issued linctus(government people thinking).Then there's all the party drugs like MDMA, acid,etc. I've always loved my psychadelics so along with the good old acid blotters and microdots,there was DMT and mushrooms. A lot of people regard Ketamine as a party drug,but you can't take real,fresh Ketamine and go out to a party.It needs to be stored as liquid and only cooked up as is needed. The moment it starts to cool,it begins to lose potency. If you buy powder,it is weak and essentially a waste of your money. Freshly cooked,it's a great experience.
Then there's what I consider the "run of the mill everyday" drugs. Weed or hash (which we farmed too),benzos (clonazepam,Diazepam,alprazolam,Lorazepam,Midazolam,Nitrazepam and Temazepam).
What started out as very recreational use,became an everyday routine when family problems literally broke me. I cried non stop night and day and the only way I could cope was by blocking it out.Of course,it was good fun. But an opiate habit is anything but fun. After a short while,you don't even get high. You just use so you don't get dope sick. As long as I had a steady supply,none of my employers or family knew I was using. It was only if I became ill from withdrawal that anyone suspected anything. That's always struck me as somewhat ironic.
The general drug treatment available to most users in this country follows a protocol that basically just parks you on methadone. Methadone is far harder than Heroin to quit. It allows you to live a semi normal life (you are still tethered to your liquid handcuffs) but you still crave. It was only when I went to prison that I found a doctor that trusted me. I had decided to use my time in prison to get clean. That is very much a choice,as drugs are easy enough to get in prison. The doctor took me off methadone and gave me a fentanyl patch. Now that stopped the craving. I would still dream about it every night and wake up thinking about it every day. But I wasn't sick. That alone was a great feeling.
It's been 8 years now since I was released. I'm no angel but I'm not hooked. I go through better times and worse,but that is more about my mental state at the moment. It was the hopelessness of my addiction that brought me to ASH (the predecessor of SS).
But I am a junkie. I will always be a junkie. My life was one of a junkie and has been totally wasted. In fact,it's just been one big blur. One day merges into the next. The same desperation everyday.Of course,I have nobody to blame but myself. Nobody held a gun to my head and made me do it. I hate myself for it. Which just adds to the problem. I deserve to be hated. I am a piece of junkie scum.