Anyone else really scare themselves over CTB???

[3FailedAttemptss]

So I'll preface this with I'm not sure how well I'll articulate myself here.

Anyway, ever since I've ordered my SN I've had these moments where I get really really frickin scared - like I shake really bad and quiver cause I'm so scared. I'm scared because I know I'm gonna die (and despite it being a suicide I don't feel like I'm in control over whether or not I die). I know I'll die because I keep flipping back and forth between the two extremes I guess, like sometimes yeah I literally cannot stop shaking and crying cause I'm so scared and other times I want to get worse, I want to cut off sources of joy and I spend so so much time engaging with suicide and it really excites me!!! I cannot help but let out a smile just thinking about it and my SN!!!!! (dw i'm not that crazy I do have some reasons that have compelled me to attempt). So when I am scared that I'll die and that I can't do anything about it it's cause idk I know for a fact I'll switch over to being really excited or feel bad enough to kill myself. I know I will.

I wasn't like this with my past attempts, I suppose they were shorter and the process of waiting for SN has allowed me time to think and allow a different part of me (idk if i sound crazy for saying that) to sorta engage with the thoughts and implications of me being in possession of SN. Sometimes when I'm that scared I think I should really really be in a psych ward just so yk i can't ctb. I can't get myself to admit myself to the ward though, and I don't know I don't want to lose my SN either.

I sound so crazy, I'm sorry I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet - all I've got is being told by many a mental health professional that I'm really quite mentally ill. So I can't put any labels or names to these feelings to help you better understand.

 

[Forveleth]

This is completely normal. You are now actively planning a method that has been shown time and time again to be very successful at causing death. This is survival instinct and the realization of what "death" means. Your brain is very scared.

I had this before my first attempt. I would alternate between relief that it would all be over soon and chills down to my bones thinking about death. I viewed it as my brain was now its own entity fighting for its life inside my head. There are two of us and we need each other to live. One of us wants to die, one of us does not. In the end, I said "sorry brain, my need to end my suffering outweighs your fear-based need to stay alive". I studied what happens when humans die, I thought about what could be waiting on the other side, I rehearsed my method in my head over and over. In the end, I got my brain to accept that this was happening. We are going to die some day anyway, that day is just going to come sooner than it might have otherwise. After that, the fear went away. I no longer see death or dying as scary. It is just a thing that will inevitably happen at a time of my choosing.

Accepting mortality is one of the most difficult things for a human to do. Millions of years of evolution have built you to fight for life with everything you have, even if you have to fight yourself. Do not worry about how you feel. It is very normal.

 

[sadalways]

This is completely normal. You are now actively planning a method that has been shown time and time again to be very successful at causing death. This is survival instinct and the realization of what "death" means. Your brain is very scared.

I had this before my first attempt. I would alternate between relief that it would all be over soon and chills down to my bones thinking about death. I viewed it as my brain was now its own entity fighting for its life inside my head. There are two of us and we need each other to live. One of us wants to die, one of us does not. In the end, I said "sorry brain, my need to end my suffering outweighs your fear-based need to stay alive". I studied what happens when humans die, I thought about what could be waiting on the other side, I rehearsed my method in my head over and over. In the end, I got my brain to accept that this was happening. We are going to die some day anyway, that day is just going to come sooner than it might have otherwise. After that, the fear went away. I no longer see death or dying as scary. It is just a thing that will inevitably happen at a time of my choosing.

Accepting mortality is one of the most difficult things for a human to do. Millions of years of evolution have built you to fight for life with everything you have, even if you have to fight yourself. Do not worry about how you feel. It is very normal.

I really like the way you worded things. Hopefully i can get over the fear too, for me i'm pretty much on the "gotten over it" part but there is still some fear of the unknown. That's the main thing that scares me right now.

 

[roommate]

Yea it's probably going to be the same for me once I get SN.
Kinda scary :/

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I don't know I mean, I feel like right now. I'm having like a moment of clarity where I'm not in that like super suicidal mindset, but I'm not like shaking or anything or particularly scared. I just have this good wrenching feeling in my stomach (I always have that pit in my stomach) - but I'm somewhere in the middle.

I feel like I lack the resolution that I see a lot of members here have or certainty like for example I have a really hard time like picking a CTB date or even writing goodbye when I attempt. That doesn't change the fact that I know that with SN I will kill myself like it will happen whether I wanted to or not. That's just because I'm very impulsive with my attempts and it's that impulsivity that makes it, I guess more difficult to pick a date or write goodbyes or whatever because all I know is that I WILL feel sufficiently bad to try to kill myself. I just don't know when but I know it will happen though, and I know that even when I'm scared even right now.

Truthfully, I'm not really sure where I was going with this. I guess just writing out my thoughts, but when I do feel scared it's just that I'm not in control that I'm going to kill myself whether I want to or not, right. Even though it's a suicide, I'm not in the drivers seat calling the shots here.

It's just- I don't know what to do because right now with the way things are going - I know I'm gonna kill myself, I will. Right now I'm not in that super excited state and I am not super scared either, but I'm somewhere in the middle where I'm sort of able to zoom out and look and analyze these things. Even so, I just I don't know what to do, logically speaking I recognize that I should be back in the psych ward because I am a danger to myself and I will end up killing myself. That's a fact, but I have this part of me that's also just really excited about my suicide and doesn't want any intervention or any anyone to stop that. I just keep flipping between being really really really really really scared and shaking and crying and then being sometimes where I'm in the middle and I'm able to sort of look at both perspectives and then sometimes I'm in this almost like manic state where I'm just repeating to myself out loud like how excited I am to kill myself and to finally get my SN.

I don't know how to wrap this up other than I just don't know what to do!!!! I don't know what to do because sometimes I just I don't like suicide. I think it's tragic that I kill myself and I recognize that that's exactly what's gonna happen probably in the very near future if nothing happens. Then other times, I'm really excited about suicide and that's the part of me that's gonna kill me - like I'm actually gonna die!!!!!! Yeah, that's scares me sometimes that I'm not in control of that. So like do I go to the psych ward so I can't kill myself? or at the same time like I don't wanna give up my sodium nitrite. So I'm just stuck and I'm not in control of my own life or my own death and yeah, sometimes that really really worries me because that's not always what I want and I'm not sure what I can do about that.

(again sorry if I'm not very coherent or articulating my thoughts properly ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡)

 

[cme-dme]

I don't know I mean, I feel like right now. I'm having like a moment of clarity where I'm not in that like super suicidal mindset, but I'm not like shaking or anything or particularly scared. I just have this good wrenching feeling in my stomach (I always have that pit in my stomach) - but I'm somewhere in the middle.

I feel like I lack the resolution that I see a lot of members here have or certainty like for example I have a really hard time like picking a CTB date or even writing goodbye when I attempt. That doesn't change the fact that I know that with SN I will kill myself like it will happen whether I wanted to or not. That's just because I'm very impulsive with my attempts and it's that impulsivity that makes it, I guess more difficult to pick a date or write goodbyes or whatever because all I know is that I WILL feel sufficiently bad to try to kill myself. I just don't know when but I know it will happen though, and I know that even when I'm scared even right now.

Truthfully, I'm not really sure where I was going with this. I guess just writing out my thoughts, but when I do feel scared it's just that I'm not in control that I'm going to kill myself whether I want to or not, right. Even though it's a suicide, I'm not in the drivers seat calling the shots here.

It's just- I don't know what to do because right now with the way things are going - I know I'm gonna kill myself, I will. Right now I'm not in that super excited state and I am not super scared either, but I'm somewhere in the middle where I'm sort of able to zoom out and look and analyze these things. Even so, I just I don't know what to do, logically speaking I recognize that I should be back in the psych ward because I am a danger to myself and I will end up killing myself. That's a fact, but I have this part of me that's also just really excited about my suicide and doesn't want any intervention or any anyone to stop that. I just keep flipping between being really really really really really scared and shaking and crying and then being sometimes where I'm in the middle and I'm able to sort of look at both perspectives and then sometimes I'm in this almost like manic state where I'm just repeating to myself out loud like how excited I am to kill myself and to finally get my SN.

I don't know how to wrap this up other than I just don't know what to do!!!! I don't know what to do because sometimes I just I don't like suicide. I think it's tragic that I kill myself and I recognize that that's exactly what's gonna happen probably in the very near future if nothing happens. Then other times, I'm really excited about suicide and that's the part of me that's gonna kill me - like I'm actually gonna die!!!!!! Yeah, that's scares me sometimes that I'm not in control of that. So like do I go to the psych ward so I can't kill myself? or at the same time like I don't wanna give up my sodium nitrite. So I'm just stuck and I'm not in control of my own life or my own death and yeah, sometimes that really really worries me because that's not always what I want and I'm not sure what I can do about that.

(again sorry if I'm not very coherent or articulating my thoughts properly ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡)

I feel this way too so you're certainly not alone in that. I don't want to CTB but I also don't feel like I have any other choice if I want to prevent things from getting worse in the future. So it's either now (while I still have the resources and money to CTB) or later (when I don't have resources or money). I don't know when I'll attempt either. Could be this year or years from now or never (unlikely), who knows? I hope you can find some happiness somewhere in life :( Nobody should have to go through this kind of suffering.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I feel this way too so you're certainly not alone in that. I don't want to CTB but I also don't feel like I have any other choice if I want to prevent things from getting worse in the future. So it's either now (while I still have the resources and money to CTB) or later (when I don't have resources or money). I don't know when I'll attempt either. Could be this year or years from now or never (unlikely), who knows? I hope you can find some happiness somewhere in life :( Nobody should have to go through this kind of suffering.

I don't know if I should be writing this right now. I'm fucking crying, but I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I feel fucked in the head. I feel fucking crazy. I feel insane. I mean, I have a reason and that's I mean I've been feeling really really bad for really really really long. I mean I used to doodle ways to kill myself in fourth grade and in high school you know scouting out locations to kill myself, but the only thing that was keeping me going was, I hadn't started my transition yet so it's easy for me to sort of explain that obviously I feel bad and that's cause I haven't transitioned yet important to me, but recently I have started transitioning and obviously I would never go back, but that hasn't solved anything for me. I still feel terrible every day and I'm not happy and there's some other things that for many years I really hoped that would make me happy and that achieved and it just doesn't work. I just can't be happy and a psychiatrist i spoke with assumed anhedonia but again I don't have a diagnosis or anything officially.

but I guess I like I cant relate obviously I mean I feel bad and I will always feel bad and there's really nothing anyone can do to help me and that's why I'm at three attempts so far but I only have days left. I think if I don't change anything and that's the thing that scares me that I'm not in control. There's a part of me that wants to die and that's the part of me that's gonna kill me and that's what's freaking me the fuck out right now cause I know that's gonna happen because my sodium nitrate is gonna be delivered any day now and I don't know if I'm gonna be scared or if I'm gonna be fucking manic and and excited for my sodium I try and I'm just gonna fucking kill myself and that's really really scary to me that I'm not in control

what's the freaking me out? What's making me feel like I can't really relate is that I'm like oh my God oh my God I only have I mean, dude I only have fucking days left and that's insane to me that I'm that I don't. I don't think I wanna die. I don't think I wanna die. I don't wanna kill myself. I don't think I don't think I don't know. I don't know. I don't know oh my God I'm crying. I'm actually crazy. I'm really scared. I'm really really scared. I'm gonna kill myself. OK, sorry I'm using speech to text to write this cause I'm crying so much so I'm sorry. I'm sorry if it's incoherent, but I'm gonna put my phone down now because I'm freaking out.
thanks for replying to me thank you

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Okay so alot has happened, I mean I was fucking freaking out earlier obviously and well I tried to calm down. Uhh well I had dinner with my family and I broke down crazy style and well now everything's blown up and uhm well I'm going back to the psych ward tomorrow now. I guess I had a moment of clarity and I told my sister that I HAVE to go and she has to hold me to it no matter what - cause fuck I mean I'm really gonna die.

I have zero control and my SN is arriving and day now and I just know that's how I die. It feels weird now though, like how much time am I really buying myself?? I'm so fucked in the head hahah (＞人＜;)

 

[cme-dme]

Okay so alot has happened, I mean I was fucking freaking out earlier obviously and well I tried to calm down. Uhh well I had dinner with my family and I broke down crazy style and well now everything's blown up and uhm well I'm going back to the psych ward tomorrow now. I guess I had a moment of clarity and I told my sister that I HAVE to go and she has to hold me to it no matter what - cause fuck I mean I'm really gonna die.

I have zero control and my SN is arriving and day now and I just know that's how I die. It feels weird now though, like how much time am I really buying myself?? I'm so fucked in the head hahah (＞人＜;)

Damn :( I wanted to reply to your post earlier but I got busy. I hope you can find some happiness. It sounds silly to say about the psych ward because of how shitty they usually are but hopefully you get the treatment you need.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Accepting mortality is one of the most difficult things for a human to do. Millions of years of evolution have built you to fight for life with everything you have, even if you have to fight yourself. Do not worry about how you feel. It is very normal.

Indeed. I theorize that people that have successfully CTB'ed, especially those who have done so by the most painful means possible such as jumping or immolation, may have a brain structure or chemistry that lacks some degree of fear factor. The rest of us have maximum evolutionary fear and because of this, find ourselves here sadly.

These are the things that I am going to tell myself when it's time:

1) I'm going to have to boldly stare death in the face and succumb one day regardless. Whether I want to or not.

2) One quick moment of pain or suffering to do the deed will prevent me from decades more of ssuffering.

3) I'm not the first to do it and I won't be the last.

Plus I plan to be drunk sedated out of my mind.

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

i'm taking a longer process, but moreso i'm afraid of someone butting in. i'm only at the beginning but watching the hours go up and up is more reassuring to me than anything.

 

[WanderingTiger]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this, and it's quite sad how our brains push us to survive even when we don't want to. I'm more afraid of failing and having irreversible consequences and being judged by others than I am of dying. I don't undergo any kind of psychological treatment or therapy; I would never want to be admitted to a psychiatric ward because of my thoughts.
In any case, I wish you to find peace regardless of your choice.

 

[blacksand]

I remember someone saying they couldn't even be in the same room as their nitrogen cylinder after it arrived. I certainly get that. I've had guns available since pre suicidality so it's a little different. I do fear my own hand in the sense that I avoid drinking with guns around, the recipe for suicide will simply be to combine both alcohol and firearms.