quietly_gone
πππππππ ππππππππππ πͺ
- May 9, 2023
- 70
I've always dreaded my birthday and it wasn't until a few years ago that I noticed why.
I am often very lonely. Obviously a lot of depressed people can relate to this. It's true that sometimes we feel alienated, isolate ourselves etc, but often people distance themselves from us because "we're difficult to deal with". I'm not blaming them for that. It's just that I deal with so much loneliness all the time, when my birthday comes around there's all this sudden attention and it all feels so fake, like it's being done out of politeness and pity. Where were all these people on the days I just wanted someone to talk to? When I was doing my best to reach out?
When I let myself enjoy the attention and company I'm always let down because on the very next day it's back to loneliness again. No one is excited to make plans with me anymore, no one texts me first or asks about my life. I really hate this feeling. It makes everything from the previous day seem forced.
Then there's my family. They mistreat me all year, enable each other's abuse towards me and suddenly they want to make me a cake and throw a party and I'm a horrible person if I say I don't want that. I've tried suggesting other things instead, such as "let me just order this dish I really like and we can have it together" but to no avail. It has to be the way they want it to be and if it isn't then I'm ungrateful.
I just don't like this lack of sincerity. When they win me over and make the cake and invite whoever they wish over (just other family members who also do not care about me), even if I'm quiet and pretending to enjoy it they manage to call me ungrateful at the end. I'm not ungrateful, it's just that yesterday I was physically and verbally abused and now I'm sitting here eating cake pretending nothing ever happened, as if it won't start again on the next day.
My mom literally threatens me every year with a picture she supposedly has of me looking at a cake she made in a "hateful way". She says that if I don't let her do the party she's going to post it online and talk about how her daughter doesn't appreciate her.
I hope the date goes by unnoticed this year. I guess "I hate my birthday" is not exactly how I feel since I'd love to spend the day on my own terms.
I am often very lonely. Obviously a lot of depressed people can relate to this. It's true that sometimes we feel alienated, isolate ourselves etc, but often people distance themselves from us because "we're difficult to deal with". I'm not blaming them for that. It's just that I deal with so much loneliness all the time, when my birthday comes around there's all this sudden attention and it all feels so fake, like it's being done out of politeness and pity. Where were all these people on the days I just wanted someone to talk to? When I was doing my best to reach out?
When I let myself enjoy the attention and company I'm always let down because on the very next day it's back to loneliness again. No one is excited to make plans with me anymore, no one texts me first or asks about my life. I really hate this feeling. It makes everything from the previous day seem forced.
Then there's my family. They mistreat me all year, enable each other's abuse towards me and suddenly they want to make me a cake and throw a party and I'm a horrible person if I say I don't want that. I've tried suggesting other things instead, such as "let me just order this dish I really like and we can have it together" but to no avail. It has to be the way they want it to be and if it isn't then I'm ungrateful.
I just don't like this lack of sincerity. When they win me over and make the cake and invite whoever they wish over (just other family members who also do not care about me), even if I'm quiet and pretending to enjoy it they manage to call me ungrateful at the end. I'm not ungrateful, it's just that yesterday I was physically and verbally abused and now I'm sitting here eating cake pretending nothing ever happened, as if it won't start again on the next day.
My mom literally threatens me every year with a picture she supposedly has of me looking at a cake she made in a "hateful way". She says that if I don't let her do the party she's going to post it online and talk about how her daughter doesn't appreciate her.
I hope the date goes by unnoticed this year. I guess "I hate my birthday" is not exactly how I feel since I'd love to spend the day on my own terms.
