Anyone else overwhelmed by how chaotic and incoherent your thoughts are?

[orpheus_]

I don't mean anxiety and overthinking. Just having a million thoughts per second, not necessarily connected, not always negative, sometimes completely random, concepts spawning in my head out of nowhere and intertwining.

I always thought that's normal and I just can't deal with that but it seems like people usually think in a bit more organized way. I know I'm not special, other people probably deal with it too but I've never heard anyone speak about it before so that's why I'm asking here.

Also I'm not trying to claim that I'm some genius who thinks too much and therefore is "better than an average human" lol. Actually this is what makes me dumb. I cannot solve any problem because of this. I cannot get deeper into any issue because I loose my train of thought and go in a different direction and then start questioning everything.

I question every fact I encounter, every single one of my thoughts: what if I actually think it because of X, Y, Z, what if I'm biased, what if I'm not seeing the truth. I mean, there is no truth, but there is, there is something that interacts with reality and... (see where this is going.)
I usually hold a few opinions on one subject at once, because there are different perspectives and I cannot choose one. I feel like the world is too complicated. Like everything is chaos, nothing exists, or like I'm detached from reality. I cannot form coherent views on anything because I'm always somewhere between a 100 possibilities. It's like my brain is full of random noise and I have trouble forming any of it into coherent meanings. I never know what to do with myself and I have trouble with making decisions, because I want to do everything at once and at the same time I distrust every judgement and feel everything is meaningless anyway (even when I'm not in a bad mood)

All of these thoughts only go quiet when I'm completely broken down and numb, but that emptiness is even more uncomfortable - I NEED this noise in my head, without it I feel completely dead inside, mindless, bored and uncomfortable.

But at the same time it's overwhelming and it makes me tired. Like I said these thoughts aren't always negative, they are not what overwhelms me by themselves. It's just the amount and incoherence.
It's probably one of the main reasons why I want to die. Reality being one huge noise, and I cannot form any meaning out of it because all meanings and concepts immediately fall apart in
my mind.

 

[Dot]

D/ u hve ADHD or n.e.thng lke tht

 

[thatonegirl]

Have you been to a doctor at all about this? I can't diagnose over the internet or anything, but this sounds like uncontrolled ADHD, which believe it or not, can heavily influence your mood and even make you suicidal. It seems silly that trouble concentrating can escalate to that point, but it really can, and it's worth asking about if you're looking to recover (being that we're in the recovery forum I'm thinking that's where you're at)

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I can relate. I have sometimes described it as routinely having memories and experiences come back so vividly when I'm lost in thought - bit like when tv/film show someone injured or dying and has their flashbacks of their life jumping all over. Except this is just normal day-to-day reflection periods. Theres a tv sitcom called 'ghosts' and it can sometimes be a bit like that, characters (e.g family, friends, acquaintances) from past lives popping up with their advice or comments or opinions, which all often contradict each other - and leave me perplexed what is 'best' and then having to try logic my way through everything, which then leads to how reliable and true is one logic over another, which then leads to spirals about how ridiculous it is that I'm putting so much debate and so many tangents into what was initially some tiny day-to-day decision. I have to live a life of no opinions/discussion and just mostly on autopilot. Its the analysis and contradictions and debate that get me. And worse is the inconsistency of it all.

And the moment I try 'talking', its like it all gets jammed, or totally goes blank. Blank is better. But is unhelpful and leads to frustration and upset in scenarios like therapy when theres such a short time period to try explaining anything. Feeling more isolated the more I'm around people.

I just end up on repeat; confused, frustrated, lost. Always a 'yeah, but...', always a counter argument. I am really sorry if you feel similar. It sucks.

 

[orpheus_]

D/ u hve ADHD or n.e.thng lke tht

Have you been to a doctor at all about this? I can't diagnose over the internet or anything, but this sounds like uncontrolled ADHD, which believe it or not, can heavily influence your mood and even make you suicidal. It seems silly that trouble concentrating can escalate to that point, but it really can, and it's worth asking about if you're looking to recover (being that we're in the recovery forum I'm thinking that's where you're at)

Thanks for the suggestion. I honestly don't know if I have ADHD as I never got tested for it and I don't know if it's worth doing it (it's expensive af here). Some of the symptoms match, with most I'm not sure, but these problems can be caused by something else. Also I feel like I never had struggles that people with adhd usually have.
I was suggested I might have it my therapist but I think she might be biased because she works with many adhd and autistic people. I also asked a psychiatrist about it and she said it is possible as some of my problems do match, but again, they can also come from somewhere else. I don't really trust myself with self assesments so to really know for sure I would have to see someone who really specializes in this and probably spend a fortune so I don't know if it's worth it. I mean that knowledge wouldn't change anything for me anyway and I'm afraid I would just use the label to excuse my lazy behavior and lack of responsibility

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I don't mean anxiety and overthinking. Just having a million thoughts per second, not necessarily connected, not always negative, sometimes completely random, concepts spawning in my head out of nowhere and intertwining.

I always thought that's normal and I just can't deal with that but it seems like people usually think in a bit more organized way. I know I'm not special, other people probably deal with it too but I've never heard anyone speak about it before so that's why I'm asking here.

Also I'm not trying to claim that I'm some genius who thinks too much and therefore is "better than an average human" lol. Actually this is what makes me dumb. I cannot solve any problem because of this. I cannot get deeper into any issue because I loose my train of thought and go in a different direction and then start questioning everything.

I question every fact I encounter, every single one of my thoughts: what if I actually think it because of X, Y, Z, what if I'm biased, what if I'm not seeing the truth. I mean, there is no truth, but there is, there is something that interacts with reality and... (see where this is going.)
I usually hold a few opinions on one subject at once, because there are different perspectives and I cannot choose one. I feel like the world is too complicated. Like everything is chaos, nothing exists, or like I'm detached from reality. I cannot form coherent views on anything because I'm always somewhere between a 100 possibilities. It's like my brain is full of random noise and I have trouble forming any of it into coherent meanings. I never know what to do with myself and I have trouble with making decisions, because I want to do everything at once and at the same time I distrust every judgement and feel everything is meaningless anyway (even when I'm not in a bad mood)

All of these thoughts only go quiet when I'm completely broken down and numb, but that emptiness is even more uncomfortable - I NEED this noise in my head, without it I feel completely dead inside, mindless, bored and uncomfortable.

But at the same time it's overwhelming and it makes me tired. Like I said these thoughts aren't always negative, they are not what overwhelms me by themselves. It's just the amount and incoherence.
It's probably one of the main reasons why I want to die. Reality being one huge noise, and I cannot form any meaning out of it because all meanings and concepts immediately fall apart in
my mind.

Well if you do have ADHD (likely), pray that meds work for you or that the meds that work for you are available. FML.


Eastern europe btw? just want to confirm something if you are comfortable sharing (yeah I know this is random but your experience sounds like the average eastern european who has undiagnosed ADHD and likely the experience of any person that has undiagnosed ADHD but in this side of the world it's basically non existent or "expensive af" as you've said)

 

[orpheus_]

I can relate. I have sometimes described it as routinely having memories and experiences come back so vividly when I'm lost in thought - bit like when tv/film show someone injured or dying and has their flashbacks of their life jumping all over. Except this is just normal day-to-day reflection periods. Theres a tv sitcom called 'ghosts' and it can sometimes be a bit like that, characters (e.g family, friends, acquaintances) from past lives popping up with their advice or comments or opinions, which all often contradict each other - and leave me perplexed what is 'best' and then having to try logic my way through everything, which then leads to how reliable and true is one logic over another, which then leads to spirals about how ridiculous it is that I'm putting so much debate and so many tangents into what was initially some tiny day-to-day decision. I have to live a life of no opinions/discussion and just mostly on autopilot. Its the analysis and contradictions and debate that get me. And worse is the inconsistency of it all.

And the moment I try 'talking', its like it all gets jammed, or totally goes blank. Blank is better. But is unhelpful and leads to frustration and upset in scenarios like therapy when theres such a short time period to try explaining anything. Feeling more isolated the more I'm around people.

I just end up on repeat; confused, frustrated, lost. Always a 'yeah, but...', always a counter argument. I am really sorry if you feel similar. It sucks.

I'm sorry you go through this. Oh, any scenarios when you have limited time to speak... My greatest enemy. In university teachers always asked me why I never participated in discussions. Well, aside from social anxiety... if I started speaking, I wouldn't shut up for like an hour trying to say one opinion and in the end I wouldn't even communicate any concrete idea. Also I always feel like I waste so much time during therapy because I always pick apart every small matter, even if it's not important to me at all and I never get to the things I really wanted to say.. but I don't even know what I wanted to say. Certainly not what I did. It sucks. At least I do not spiral into criticizing myself for it, I go straight up into existential crisis lol
Sending hugs, I hope you can get through this. Must be tiring

Well if you do have ADHD (likely), pray that meds work for you or that the meds that work for you are available. FML.


Eastern europe btw? just want to confirm something if you are comfortable sharing (yeah I know this is random but your experience sounds like the average eastern european who has undiagnosed ADHD and likely the experience of any person that has undiagnosed ADHD but in this side of the world it's basically non existent or "expensive af" as you've said)

I'm really scared of adhd meds as I used to have heart problems (which were never properly diagnosed) and I still sometimes do, and I'm worried these meds could trigger them. Not sudden death (unfortunately), but extremely unpleasant. I just feel like it wouldn't help anyway...

Yes, I live in Poland. I guess I could probably get a cheaper assesment (sometimes it's also an option) but I would really want to do it "properly" so I would be sure.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Yes, I live in Poland. I guess I could probably get a cheaper assesment (sometimes it's also an option) but I would really want to do it "properly" so I would be sure.

Also yes, the heart DOES get upbeated if that's what you're wroried about. I have like 90-95bpm normal resting state and it went up to 115~ on meds. I did quit because of this but the meds weren't working anyways, my luck ig. There exists non stimulants that don't kick start your heart like you're frankenstein

Meds could help tho, depends, I say think on it and if you have the opportunity, try.

 

[thatonegirl]

Thanks for the suggestion. I honestly don't know if I have ADHD as I never got tested for it and I don't know if it's worth doing it (it's expensive af here). Some of the symptoms match, with most I'm not sure, but these problems can be caused by something else. Also I feel like I never had struggles that people with adhd usually have.
I was suggested I might have it my therapist but I think she might be biased because she works with many adhd and autistic people. I also asked a psychiatrist about it and she said it is possible as some of my problems do match, but again, they can also come from somewhere else. I don't really trust myself with self assesments so to really know for sure I would have to see someone who really specializes in this and probably spend a fortune so I don't know if it's worth it. I mean that knowledge wouldn't change anything for me anyway and I'm afraid I would just use the label to excuse my lazy behavior and lack of responsibility

I think it's worth looking into for sure, because the meds for ADHD work extremely well. As far as a specialist, ADHD is very common, so just about every psychiatrist should be well-versed in it. Even some general practice doctors will handle ADHD for their patients instead of sending them to a psych. Certainly some more readily diagnose than others, but given recent statistics and research on how differently it can present from person to person, I really don't think they're wrong. I think the ones who are more hesitant to diagnose are just afraid of prescription abuse (I had a friend whose doctor said exactly that when diagnosing her, and then refused to prescribe anything), because people do sell their stimulants. Many doctors do regular drug tests if they prescribe it to make sure you're taking it though, so that takes care of that issue. If you don't find that the meds improve anything, it's quick and easy to stop and rule that out. Most diagnoses aren't so easy to rule out.

 

[calebzz1]

I get the same feeling everyday honestly due to how "moment to moment" my visual impairment.

I'm constantly a notch below survival mode, desperate for a fix that I know won't arrive quickly and can't relax like normal people.

I don't have any mental health issues that are officially diagnosed but I often suppress my emotions.

I'm usually hyper-focused on fixing my situation at the cost of being less empathetic with others.