This is very difficult for me to write, mostly because I absolutely love my husband, and admitting that I still feel lonely feels like a betrayal.
Before I proposed to him, I had actually broken up with him twice. I always ended up going back to him, though. That was a big part of the reason I proposed. No matter what difficulties got in the way, we always found our way back to each other. I always wanted to be with him, and him me. He turned his life around because he had lost me once, and I do respected that.
Shortly after getting engaged, it was like things turned around again. It almost seemed like he lost interest in me. He wasn't the same person, and he'd rather be with others. It was almost like now that he had me in his pocket, he could do whatever he really wanted to do.
I never considered ending the engagement, because I knew we'd get back together anyway. Instead, I sought the company of others. I never cheated on him sexually, but I did develop close relationships with and strong feelings for other people. It was all I could do to keep me from feeling lonely. Once those relationships became apparent to my then-fiancé, he lost trust in me, and things started getting rocky.
They've never improved. The whole situation has exploded and resulted in me losing my job (long story) and being stuck in this awful predicament. Things on the home front are no better. We've been married for two and a half years now, but at times I feel like we might as well be strangers. I grew up with a single mother, so I have no reference for happy marriages, but I doubt this can be normal.
I feel so lonely. And in order to save my marriage, I've been forced to rid my life of the people who previously helped me feel not so alone. Now I'm more alone than ever.
I feel like the problem must be me. That nothing and no one is ever enough for me. I'll always need more. I'll always feel alone, no matter how many people surround me. No way around it, perhaps. Except death.
