Anyone else kind of wish their parents CTB?

[Source Energy]

I love my mother very much. She is one of the 2 ppl I truly love in this world. However, she is getting old (76), has several ailments, and on top of that, is insanely attached to me so my CBT-ing will shatter her. She came to accept it, but she will be devastated nonetheless. I found myself wishing she passed lately. It would free her of pains, physically and emotionally, and it would free me of responsibility and guilt. Nobody else loves me in this world. My friends would be sad, but they have their lives.
Horrible, I know....that's how tired of living I am.

 

[jodes2]

At one point I wished someone close to me died in some way so I can go, yes. But no longer. Now I value everyone being alive because I can't imagine surviving without them

 

[Source Energy]

Exactly. I don't want to survive. I want to ctb, and while she is still here, energetically, I might still be tied to this plane of existence. And it breaks my heart to break her heart.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not suicide but die naturally, painlessly and suddenly- yes and it's an utterly monstrous thought for me to have but I confess- I do sometimes have it. When I'm feeling so utterly trapped and desperate- it does cross my mind because like you- I know it would break their heart if I did it while they are still alive. For me, it's my Dad. It TRULY is monstrous for me to think like that though because he still has a reasonable quality of life and he wants to live.

So- I'm just stuck here. He doesn't actually know I want to do it- as I think that would be almost as bad for him. I just need to tread water as best I can and try and shield him from the worst of all this till it's over. It's getting harder though. It must be pretty obvious how I feel with some of the stuff I come out with.

I wish our parents were given a glimse of our lives before they went ahead with having children. Bit like screening for diseases. I'm sorry Mr and Mrs whatever but it looks like your baby will become suicidal at the age of whatever and live the rest of their lives in misery- do you still want to go ahead?

Honestly- I just don't get parents- maybe it's love or lust or just expectations blinding them. Still- even if there was a 0.5% chance that my child could end up like me- I wouldn't risk it. Why would you do that to something you are supposed to love more than anything in the world?

 

[Source Energy]

Not suicide but die naturally, painlessly and suddenly- yes and it's an utterly monstrous thought for me to have but I confess- I do sometimes have it. When I'm feeling so utterly trapped and desperate- it does cross my mind because like you- I know it would break their heart if I did it while they are still alive. For me, it's my Dad. It TRULY is monstrous for me to think like that though because he still has a reasonable quality of life and he wants to live.

So- I'm just stuck here. He doesn't actually know I want to do it- as I think that would be almost as bad for him. I just need to tread water as best I can and try and shield him from the worst of all this till it's over. It's getting harder though. It must be pretty obvious how I feel with some of the stuff I come out with.

I wish our parents were given a glimse of our lives before they went ahead with having children. Bit like screening for diseases. I'm sorry Mr and Mrs whatever but it looks like your baby will become suicidal at the age of whatever and live the rest of their lives in misery- do you still want to go ahead?

Honestly- I just don't get parents- maybe it's love or lust or just expectations blinding them. Still- even if there was a 0.5% chance that my child could end up like me- I wouldn't risk it. Why would you do that to something you are supposed to love more than anything in the world?

My mom knows - knows all the dark torment in my heart, every complex reason, all my despair...she understands and even agrees to an extent that ending it would be good for me. She just says "I will always miss you" in a way that breaks me even more.
that, combined with her own pain, her illnesses, makes me wish she was free of it before, so she can't experience bereavement, and I don't feel the guilt. She too, wants to live, and values life...ghhh.

I think I misworded it. CBT is committing suicide? I was thinking of it like dying. See if I can edit it...I can't. Can't edit the title.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My mom knows - knows all the dark torment in my heart, every complex reason, all my despair...she understands and even agrees to an extent that ending it would be good for me. She just says "I will always miss you" in a way that breaks me even more.
that, combined with her own pain, her illnesses, makes me wish she was free of it before, so she can't experience bereavement, and I don't feel the guilt. She too, wants to live, and values life...ghhh.

I think I misworded it. CBT is committing suicide? I was thinking of it like dying. See if I can edit it

I'm so sorry. I really feel and understand your pain. Hmmm, I'm not entirely sure myself to be honest- CTB or 'catching the bus' sounds a bit more deliberate to me than normal death but it's a nice sort of image for that too I suppose. Be nice if we weren't on separate buses... going to separate destinations. Still- even there- I'm sort of more hoping/longing for nothing now rather than an afterlife.