Venting Anyone else just been fearful, disconnected and anxious?

[Journeytoletgo]

I been in low mood for years on an off. However I'm noticing since 14 I kind of always masked that out in public I didn't have the setting or set to be myself. The bullying for my acne, my family attacking me and calling me ugly. All power play and abusers, I'm jealous of people that have healthy support systems and come from functional family dynamics. Who takes your weakness and abuses you while you're vulnerable. No wonder why I didn't like any of them at the time I really disliked my family. Finally when I got a job I was able to buy healthy foods but I messed up by not living on campus and following my other set of friends I feel by now I could be in a better place. I never felt grounded in myself it's why after that online abuser I abused alcohol isolated again and then led to fwb, sexual assault by a random guy. I been mindlessly scrolling YouTube for years and lost interest in life in general since him but during puberty not only acne but my physiological make up changed. I was aware of woman beauty and knew I didn't cut it and was miserable laid in bed rotting playing video games to escape, constant bullying and lack of self confidence.

I gave up on exercise

 

[theboy]

Sometimes we change for the worse over time. I hope you feel better soon

 

[Obliviate]

I've been having such existential crises, like why the fuck are we even here? why did god even make us create us? For what....I've been very distant from people so I could CTB in a quiet way. When my supplies arrive I get a jolt of wow I'm actually doing this.....ok

 

[darkcirclesunder]

Yea i always feel alone depressed and anxious. I just feel like a uncompleted version of a human

 

[freedompass]

Who takes your weakness and abuses you while you're vulnerable.

Oh gosh, loads of people do exactly that.

Sounds like you are in avoidance mode by staying in bed with YouTube, would that be fair? I've talked to loads of young people who do that including my own son, sadly. Anxiety, fear and a sense of disconnection (which in itself causes more fear and anxiety) are completely normal responses in these circumstances. The more you avoid, the worse it gets.

None of this is to invalidate your distress. You've had a very difficult time no question. Life itself can be a predicament, at any age, and even without acne and feeling ugly. I struggled in my 20's sooo much. You may feel unique and well yeah your particular experience is of course unique to you. But it's also very relatable to many, I can guarantee.

While you may not want to connect to others in the same boat, it might at least ease the disconnect thing?

Just my 2 pence.

 

[jandek]

Yes, very much so. My anxiety is getting really bad now and making it difficult to do anything. What happened to you is truly awful. I wasn't abused like that, but I did experience social and emotional isolation that I think really crippled me. I feel like I'm missing social and emotional resources that are basic to most people, and I don't see any way to recover them now.