Anyone else is self-sabotaging itself? Not taking care of health, waiting for a disease to force you to go once for all?

[BrokenByTheSystem]

26M. I'm extremely low on Vitamin D and probably other dozens of issues. I made my blood exams last year and some things were off. I look at it an just thought "honestly, fuck it, it's not even worth it anymore", then instead of going after medicines I'm just ignoring it.

It's dumb you may think, I just have no strength to help supporting this life. And at the same time I have no courage to end it. So I'm on this dilemma, not knowing exactly what to do to end this all.

So since mid of last year I'm kind of living the bare minimum to keep me alive. I went from 84KG (185 pounds) to 72KG (158 pounds). Eating just because it feels bad to not eat.

I'm kind of rotting on my bedroom. Waiting for my death.

I know, I've heard a lot about methods and methods and there are dozens of things to make so I can end my life once for all relatively painless, but something just doesn't allow me, very deep on my instincts just won't let me do it.

My theory is that if somehow I get some disease or even cancer, my brain will start balancing the options better and suicide will become a more viable option, so my instincts will somehow agree with that, giving me the courage to try some method instead of waiting for a painful death by disease or cancer.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel the same because I know I'll get diabetes and other diseases with time (my last blood test was not good) but I continue to eat junk food and sugar (I think I'm addicted). I also have severe sleep apnea and I don't use the CPAP machine anymore, so I have more chances to die from a disease. In my mind, if I have the official diagnosis of diabetes, I'm going to kill myself because too much is too much, and maybe my brain will reduce the strenght of my SI ??

Sadly I have a disability that don't kill (cervical dystonia). I know another guy who has this rare disease and we both agree that we'd prefere a lethal disease instead of this insane cruel condition.

When you say "waiting for my death", it's exactly what I feel the whole day. I'm older than you (43) but my body could still live 40 more years so I wish I was 80 or 90. But being that old is awful too (I remember my 2 grandmothers - they had suicidal thoughts too at the end of their lives).

 

[Quietist]

Kinda-sorta.

But it's like I have this hope for a miracle healing, or that I could utilize magick to change my life, or manifestation. It's a sick game, this internal suffering of oscillating between hope and determination to overcome, and then defeatism and desiring to get to a point of such desolation that I just don't care about dying anymore.

I no longer have access to the method I was going to use, so contemplating the exit isn't as easy now.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I actually just found a lump in my neck and scheduled an appointment praying it's cancer. I know it's probably not but god it would make things so much easier. I could just refuse treatment. Or even if I did treatment I think people would understand if I killed myself. But I know I won't be they lucky. It's probably benign.

If not now I'll probably experience liver or lung problems soon. I don't exactly live a healthy lifestyle, let's just say

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm walking a fine line really. Letting a lot of things go. I'm so lazy now. I don't eat properly, don't exercise, don't take care of my living environment, care less when I don't have work.

My blood pressure was quite high when my GP asked for a reading. They wanted a week's worth of readings but I refused. I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm overweight, unfit and it's starting to affect things. It wouldn't surprise me if I have sleep apnea and early onset diabetes. I have some of the symptoms.

That said- I feel like I need to remain alive while my Dad is and, I also need to support myself. So- there are limits to how far I can let things slip. I also need to be well enough to kill myself eventually- the irony.

So- if anything, I'm making some effort to do more at the moment to try and grasp some things back. It's such a headache though. Trying to maintain a life you don't even want to begin with. It feels so stupid really but then emotionally- it feels like the only thing I can do.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

36M here. I ate like a third of a bowl of soup yesterday. I've stopped cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry. I shower maybe twice a week. I spend the whole day on my phone. Everything hurts to do. My weight is dropping, but I started big. Maybe I've gone 220 to 200 in my depression. It would be a long time before I starved.

I reached the point of suicide and...stayed alive. It's just cowardice. I didn't have the guts to buy a gun, I probably couldn't use it anyway. Although it only takes one second of courage one time. I have partial hanging at hand but we all know how hard that is.

 

[raikko]

I feel the same because I know I'll get diabetes and other diseases with time (my last blood test was not good) but I continue to eat junk food and sugar (I think I'm addicted). I also have severe sleep apnea and I don't use the CPAP machine anymore, so I have more chances to die from a disease. In my mind, if I have the official diagnosis of diabetes, I'm going to kill myself because too much is too much, and maybe my brain will reduce the strenght of my SI ??

Sadly I have a disability that don't kill (cervical dystonia). I know another guy who has this rare disease and we both agree that we'd prefere a lethal disease instead of this insane cruel condition.

When you say "waiting for my death", it's exactly what I feel the whole day. I'm older than you (43) but my body could still live 40 more years so I wish I was 80 or 90. But being that old is awful too (I remember my 2 grandmothers - they had suicidal thoughts too at the end of their lives).

Same.. everyone in my family has diabetes, I eat a lot, I just don't get fat because of my metabolism or something. Once I'm diagnosed, maybe that'll give me my reason to kill myself