I come from a very religious, small town where I was raised to suppress my identity, my feelings, and my aspirations. A place where i was molested, lgbtqi people are told they go to hell, and where women are taught to be silent. A place where I was never made aware of opportunities to learn and grow outside this prison until it was too late.
I was strong growing up. I pushed through and promised myself I'd get out. And I almost got there. Six years ago I got into a dream school, far away from the hell i had grown up with. I was so excited for the life i thought i was about to have. And the last day of admitted student visits it turned out to be a joke, i couldnt afford it, i wouldnt be able to go, so id attend a school right next to my town. That in itself wasnt bad. The college i went to was a good school, but i wasnt able to escape the role religion played in telling me to dial down my goals. it was still a small town full of patriarchy, and without much opportunity to grow and leave. i spent my summers sleeping time away, hoping it would pass, instead of living and learning from a welcoming, diverse, open community in a city where i could be anonymous if i went to a bar or went on a date, where i could struggle and crash and burn knowing i was living the life, with its ups and downs, that i loved. but that didnt happen. i didnt find love. instead i found myself crashing and burning to even get a chance at the life i hoped to have, having to be silent if i wanted the chance to succeed, instead of being bold and outspoken. my family tried to break me into something passive and obedient rather than brave and direct.
I came a long way, i finally got to leave two years ago. but by that time, it was already too late. my peers were light years ahead of me in my workplace. i was constantly overlooked. but at least i was free. at least i got a taste of what youth is supposed to be like, instead of watching it slip away. not anymore. im now back home due to the pandemic. i cant even make a salad here without being told to be careful with a knife or being "reinstructed" on how to do the most basic things. I've found myself fighting, struggling again these past 3 months, to try and be positive and push forward again. But its the same story. i was born stuck. Ive been fighting my entire life for freedom. I've done everything I can do fight against the system and leave. unfortunately its a black hole i cant escape from. but at least i am in control of when and where to end my life. and so far im getting comfortable with my method.
im glad a site like this exists so that i can hear others stories while getting emotional support to CTB.
I was strong growing up. I pushed through and promised myself I'd get out. And I almost got there. Six years ago I got into a dream school, far away from the hell i had grown up with. I was so excited for the life i thought i was about to have. And the last day of admitted student visits it turned out to be a joke, i couldnt afford it, i wouldnt be able to go, so id attend a school right next to my town. That in itself wasnt bad. The college i went to was a good school, but i wasnt able to escape the role religion played in telling me to dial down my goals. it was still a small town full of patriarchy, and without much opportunity to grow and leave. i spent my summers sleeping time away, hoping it would pass, instead of living and learning from a welcoming, diverse, open community in a city where i could be anonymous if i went to a bar or went on a date, where i could struggle and crash and burn knowing i was living the life, with its ups and downs, that i loved. but that didnt happen. i didnt find love. instead i found myself crashing and burning to even get a chance at the life i hoped to have, having to be silent if i wanted the chance to succeed, instead of being bold and outspoken. my family tried to break me into something passive and obedient rather than brave and direct.
I came a long way, i finally got to leave two years ago. but by that time, it was already too late. my peers were light years ahead of me in my workplace. i was constantly overlooked. but at least i was free. at least i got a taste of what youth is supposed to be like, instead of watching it slip away. not anymore. im now back home due to the pandemic. i cant even make a salad here without being told to be careful with a knife or being "reinstructed" on how to do the most basic things. I've found myself fighting, struggling again these past 3 months, to try and be positive and push forward again. But its the same story. i was born stuck. Ive been fighting my entire life for freedom. I've done everything I can do fight against the system and leave. unfortunately its a black hole i cant escape from. but at least i am in control of when and where to end my life. and so far im getting comfortable with my method.
im glad a site like this exists so that i can hear others stories while getting emotional support to CTB.
