Anyone else giving up? I can't do it

[suffering]

I just can't overcome my SI. Sometimes I think that even if I had that magic instant button, I would still be unable to press it. This is not some hidden desire to live or other stuff, it's simply the irrational lizard brain. I consider all life worthless and futile, especially after one's body begins to decay.
Anyway, I feel like I should stop posting on this forum, as I am not considering suicide anymore due to its difficulty, but this is the only place where I feel fine, while the whole world feels like a madhouse.
I am trying now to live a normal life and to put effort in staying healthy and so on. Anyone else in the same situation? I feel like we require a new word in the dictionary for us, something like 'the trapped ones'.

 

[elizabeth.luck]

You are welcome to post here no matter what you decide!

 

[Walilamdzi]

I haven't been able to overcome survival instinct, but I don't feel like I've really intended to in experiments with setups, so far.

I feel the same RE keeping healthy. A couple of months ago, I thought I would be able to start a regular routine of going to the gym and be enthusiastic about keeping fit, because I was able to do that at one point... but at the moment I'm overwhelmed and seem to have given up on that. I can barely function and am only able to exist because of the support of my family, who insist that I will 'figure things out' given time, but it feels like endless monotony stretching out in front of me.

 

[GerMann]

Yes, I'm living in the same nightmare, depressed without hope.
By the way, do you know... https://9gag.com

 

[Struggling]

I'm in a pickle with si. Only had one recent serious attempt. I've latched onto the feeling that I'll succeed ctb so literally have lost all motivation.

 

[Xaphous]

I hate how I range from I'm definitely doing it to omg I definitely can't do this over and over.

 

[vfghjkjhilkj]

Survival instinct is not my problem, since I can just shut off that part from my mind with carbon monoxide. I just feel like I'm going for a sleep. Not dying.

I am just paranoid about brain damage, which is why I'm spending so much time deliberating.

 

[Roberto]

I just can't overcome my SI. Sometimes I think that even if I had that magic instant button, I would still be unable to press it. This is not some hidden desire to live or other stuff, it's simply the irrational lizard brain. I consider all life worthless and futile, especially after one's body begins to decay.
Anyway, I feel like I should stop posting on this forum, as I am not considering suicide anymore due to its difficulty, but this is the only place where I feel fine, while the whole world feels like a madhouse.
I am trying now to live a normal life and to put effort in staying healthy and so on. Anyone else in the same situation? I feel like we require a new word in the dictionary for us, something like 'the trapped ones'.

Me also I don't know currently what to do. I don't know if it's offensive to be here with actually wanting to ctb, despite my previous intents.
I try to give a hand with my scarce knowledge on the matter.
I sometimes want to make feel better other people. But I know that sometimes in my heart I don't wish other to ctb and try to ask questions about if they checked all possibilities, and not respecting that people don't want questions, just support & relief.

 

[PeacePlease]

I definitely want to ctb, I try not to think about survival instinc and tell to myself that when the moment comes I will just do it, like throwing myself into a pool filled with cold water. I get emotional crisis from time to time where definitely I'm more likely to do it, but one of my biggest concerns is the brain damage though. I wish I could get N wich seems to be the most reliable and hassle free method, but it's so hard to get.

I think it's ok at least for me to be around even if I'm not going to cbt, I mean where else can I speak freely about suicide, my struggle and intentions. With everyone else I just have to pretend, it's a relief in some way to be able to talk with others like me. Even if it's just about being g trapped

 

[throwaway123]

It's a bit different for me. I want to CTB and I know there is no other option. My life is fucked and it's only going to get worse. I want to do it and I probably will need to do it soon. I guess it depends on your circumstances.

 

[TAW122]

Even when I am not actively thinking about ctb'ing, I still post here as I find it therapeutic for me and also there are many topics as well as discussions I'd like to participate in. In a way, I sorted found my purpose and see myself as an pro choice advocate in terms of right to choice and stuff. Also, having this community for me makes me finally feel at peace and at home, without having to censor myself unlike real life.

 

[dysfunctional]

I have really wanted to die for almost a year now, and haven't been able to go through with it. I'm likely getting a new job I'm kinda excited about. Been slowly building momentum so I feel like I'm going to make another go at getting my life together and feeling good. It may not work! But I can always ctb later.

 

[jules18]

Up until I found my current method I was planning on doing a long term euthanasia option.

Now that I found the CO method i'm very determined to do it and quickly. Death is inevitable and I believe that singularity evangelists are pure folly. If true AI and the singularity would happen, the so called machines would realize that the paradise they would create has already been super-ceded by the infinite vastness of the afterlife. The natural conclusion for them would be to wipe out humanity and put an end to the cycle of pain. The fastest route to the singularity is literally a peaceful, pleasant death.

I don't see the point in prolonging this life. The pain and mundaneness of every day life is a great motivator to finally experience what comes after death. After contracting schizophrenia from smoking weed and having several deeply religious psychotic episodes, I have a burning desire to find out the truth. It has to be something very majestic, life would not make sense if this were not the case.

 

[Taylor]

I feel you, N is the only way I could do it. I've already figured out I don't have the courage to go through with any other more "traditional" methods. It's not so much the SI that's stopping me, it's more so guilt. Like despite how much I'm suffering and how immensely trapped I am, in my mind, in my body, that it's literally impossible for me to go any further or ever find happiness in life again, I just feel so ashamed. Like I'm just throwing away all the gifts God has given me, slapping him in the face basically. I of course express this to God and pray for his forgiveness every single day though.

 

[Louise]

I know I won't ctb either. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is keeping me alive. Still rather oppressed by this world, feel like an alien.

 

[StillWaiting]

I find it hard to plan how to ctb. Deep inside I think I will probably ctb if something terrible happened and do it without thinking much like jumping.

 

[Smashingairwaves]

I'm not giving up, just maybe delaying it. I'm scared. I failed last time. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore tbh

 

[Sickman75]

I just can't overcome my SI. Sometimes I think that even if I had that magic instant button, I would still be unable to press it. This is not some hidden desire to live or other stuff, it's simply the irrational lizard brain. I consider all life worthless and futile, especially after one's body begins to decay.
Anyway, I feel like I should stop posting on this forum, as I am not considering suicide anymore due to its difficulty, but this is the only place where I feel fine, while the whole world feels like a madhouse.
I am trying now to live a normal life and to put effort in staying healthy and so on. Anyone else in the same situation? I feel like we require a new word in the dictionary for us, something like 'the trapped ones'.

good for you! happy for you!

 

[Hotsackage]

I haven't given up. It's just to hard to do as you mentioned, without risking being seriously impaired in some way. I'm just hoping some day I hang myself and I just pass out and croak

 

[F_ckthisplace]

I am confident that I will ctb this year.

 

[YukiFox]

The give up thing is a roller coaster for me. Some days I feel good and I forgot to log in on this site, for sure. I think about my ouvres, my life as a trans woman, with a good partner, etc. Another days, like today, I feel really down. I feel the panic and anxiety all over my body, and feel dizzy, disconnected, ashamed. I accept the suicide as possibility, since I want to give an opportunity for my life (since I realized that I'm trans I hope that some depression, anxiety and panic issues can be less unbearable), but seriously, days like today I want to take all my stuff and disappear from out this world. Whatever, I see what I can resolve.

 

[John Smith]

Survival instinct is not my problem, since I can just shut off that part from my mind with carbon monoxide. I just feel like I'm going for a sleep. Not dying.

I am just paranoid about brain damage, which is why I'm spending so much time deliberating.

You tried CO ? What was it like?

 

[Roadkill]

I want to die so bad, but the only thing stopping me is fear of failure... literally every method has its share of failures, and most times these failures lead to paralysis, brain damage, blindness, or living like a vegetable

 

[Cookiedough8956]

I want to die so bad, but the only thing stopping me is fear of failure... literally every method has its share of failures, and most times these failures lead to paralysis, brain damage, blindness, or living like a vegetable

Thats why im gonna do SN