Anyone else forcing themselves to wait?

[mxigz]

I have been feeling suicidal since around 10-11 years old I believe, but I decided when I was 13 that I wouldn't even attempt to ctb until I am atleast 25.

I think I chose this because, although I struggle to feel any hope towards my future, a small part of me hopes that maybe things will be better by then. It would be a shame to ctb when I couldv'e gotten better and been happy.

By the time I'm 25 I'll be in my mid 20s. I'll have had the chance to experience different things, meet more people, potentially get professional mental help. I figured that if I'm still depressed by then, and still self harming, and still feeling constant urges to ctb, then it's unlikely I will ever change. Only then will I let myself ctb. And if I feel better by then then I'll simply forget about this plan and move on with life.

This plan also stops me from acting impulsively and doing things I'll regret. When I feel urges to ctb I just promise myself "only __ years left, then you can kill yourself, then it'll all be okay". Is that weird? I often wonder if my plan is stupid and pointless and I should just get it over with now.

The plan also means I have plenty of time to pick myself the right method for me, and to make sure I do anything I want to do before I die.

Does anyone else have a plan like this? Where they don't even let themselves attempt until __ date or until they reach __ milestone?

 

[ayaneechan]

Actually I'm forcing myself to wait just till November of this year, I have CTB troughts since 2009

It's like, I want to do something first and I can do it probably early November

 

[Waterr]

Actually I'm forcing myself to wait just till November of this year, I have CTB troughts since 2009

It's like, I want to do something first and I can do it probably early November

I waited to see if things would pick up until i turned 19, i turned 19 yesterday and i honestly regret doing so. Im probably deciding around november/december time for my CTB but i really really wish i could attempt next month.

 

[vault]

i think that is a great plan to keep your options open. I wish you luck no matter what you choose to do.

 

[Tulip<3]

I have been doing this for weeks (since my relapse and since things have got really bad). I'm hoping things will improve and I've got suicide as my back up plan. I am totally with you on it stopping me doing anything impulsive (my last attempts were impulsive).

I think this is a really good thing. Once you have ctb, that's it - no 2nd chances. So it's worth waiting if there is hope for your situation to improve. But I do understand at times it can feel unbearable, and dealing with suicidal urges is really hard to deal with in general. You are doing well to keep going