Anyone else forced to ctb

[rabbithole]

Because of circumstances? I don't want to die but have to because I am suffering immensely with a chronic pain disorder and a spinal cord injury to L2 which has left me with 0 feeling in my groin.

my quality of life is too low to endure living. But my SI is hard to beat because I have never been actively suicidal before and my mind keeps telling me something will change and I can learn to live this way even though I can't and every moment feels torturous.

anyone forced to die because of an illness or a circumstance you cannot change? Do you wish you could change it so you'd be allowed to have your life? That's all I think about. If I didn't go that day everything would be okay.

 

[Deleted member 22650]

I'm not forced but in the past months i've slowly destroyed everything I was living, that being the little relationships I had with some people and spent all my savings, got in enormous amount of debt, if I don't ctb I have for like 2 years to comeback from that.

 

[peacechoice]

Because of circumstances? I don't want to die but have to because I am suffering immensely with a chronic pain disorder and a spinal cord injury to L2 which has left me with 0 feeling in my groin.

my quality of life is too low to endure living. But my SI is hard to beat because I have never been actively suicidal before and my mind keeps telling me something will change and I can learn to live this way even though I can't and every moment feels torturous.

anyone forced to die because of an illness or a circumstance you cannot change? Do you wish you could change it so you'd be allowed to have your life? That's all I think about. If I didn't go that day everything would be okay.

Absolutely, I do have spinal issues and wish I were healthy so I could enjoy the things I love like exercise. I feel robbed. Maybe surgery would work for you. Have you done everything to try and make the injury better?

 

[Kramer]

I wish for a better life every day. I've already participated and am participating in treatments for all my health problems. Nothing helps. I feel like i'm being forced to walk the plank. Fuck I'm so angry. I would kill God if he was real and I was given the opportunity.

 

[Soul]

I intend to kill myself when my incurable progressive illness hinders too much of what I still enjoy in life. I don't feel "forced", though; I'm glad I have options.

Can I ask how long you've had these injuries, @rabbithole? I don't want you (or anyone else) to feel forced to die before you're ready. x

 

[stygal]

Not really forced, because I probably could get old like that. I also suffer from chronic (nerval) pain since my childhood and recently (8 years ago) it got worse and now I'm in (mild to high) pain everyday.
I also have very little life quality because I can't really use my limbs for any prolonged time and there are no meds for it. Plus the more I use my limbs the more worn-out my body gets and the more my pain intensifies. It's not deadly, but living like that is not for me. I miss doing physical activity too much and I miss my mental clarity which I used to have when I was pain-free. Now all is dependent on how bad I feel any given day, sometimes I can can't get out of bed.
I intend to leave this earth soon as I still can use my limbs - in the future that might not be the case and I'd be trapped. So lots of online hugs to you, I totally get your situation. <3

 

[rabbithole]

Absolutely, I do have spinal issues and wish I were healthy so I could enjoy the things I love like exercise. I feel robbed. Maybe surgery would work for you. Have you done everything to try and make the injury better?

I'm sorry you also have spinal issues. It's so difficult. I miss working out too. I really just miss daydreaming about the future and how good it might be.

I can't have surgery for this issue...basically the nerves below L2 in my central nervous system are fusing together with scar tissue. If a surgeon freed them all that would happen is more scar tissue would be laid down. It's a hopeless situation. I have things I haven't tried like a spinal cord stimulator or a pain pump but I think having something implanted in me would make me feel more crazy.

 

[woxihuanni]

I am sorry for your situation. I am forced by my husband who has burnt my entire life down. I fought long and hard to live.

 

[SparkleWater]

Because of circumstances? I don't want to die but have to because I am suffering immensely with a chronic pain disorder and a spinal cord injury to L2 which has left me with 0 feeling in my groin.

my quality of life is too low to endure living. But my SI is hard to beat because I have never been actively suicidal before and my mind keeps telling me something will change and I can learn to live this way even though I can't and every moment feels torturous.

anyone forced to die because of an illness or a circumstance you cannot change? Do you wish you could change it so you'd be allowed to have your life? That's all I think about. If I didn't go that day everything would be okay.

im autistic. I wish i wasnt. so many people left me because of it and ive cause so much harm to people because i didnt even know i was. I abandoned friends just so i could have more "normal" ones. there so many other things too. I didnt get the right help early enough,
but i cant there is no way to change the fact im autistic.
im trying not to type too much to give too much info or end up ranting hhh

 

[DontGiveAshiit]

I'm not forced but in the past months i've slowly destroyed everything I was living, that being the little relationships I had with some people and spent all my savings, got in enormous amount of debt, if I don't ctb I have for like 2 years to comeback from that.

wow bro you remind me of myself... After years of depressions and trying to fight it, the last 1-2 years it just all went downhill, I totally gave up, lost job and all savings, all friends, everything... Im just sick of everything. Just trying to get N now. Man if only I had N I could actually maybe be a bit happier since I know I have an easy way when I want, maybe it would even help me get back on my feet lol... But now im just stressing and cant do anything cause im literally freezing when I think how broke I am

 

[chrisbate7]

wow bro you remind me of myself... After years of depressions and trying to fight it, the last 1-2 years it just all went downhill, I totally gave up, lost job and all savings, all friends, everything... Im just sick of everything. Just trying to get N now. Man if only I had N I could actually maybe be a bit happier since I know I have an easy way when I want, maybe it would even help me get back on my feet lol... But now im just stressing and cant do anything cause im literally freezing when I think how broke I am

I gave up on getting N. Have all the stuff for SN. It gives me a little relief knowing I have SN but I think it'll be just as hard to use Nebutal as it would be SN. Either way, you know once you drink that shit down you're going to die

 

[Heart Shards]

My quality of life is non-existent. I still plan to hold out for a little bit--never know when my ticket for the bus will be called.

 

[DontGiveAshiit]

I gave up on getting N. Have all the stuff for SN. It gives me a little relief knowing I have SN but I think it'll be just as hard to use Nebutal as it would be SN. Either way, you know once you drink that shit down you're going to die

Ye SN will be my second option of course, but I really want to try to get N first. If this is the last thing Im going to do in my life, why not go for the best? :)

 

[Desdemona]

Sadly I'm in the same boat. I've never really been actively suicidal but due to multiple health conditions at a young age (mid-twenties) at some point I'm gonna have to do it. I can't work/leave the house but since my illnesses are invisible it's pretty much impossible to get any sort of assistance or even compassion from friends and family

I'm barely hanging on mostly because due to covid I can stay home. I went from being relatively happy, enjoying life to wanting to be dead basically overnight. I'm in pain all day every day and my options for meds are all things that could make my conditions worse

 

[rabbithole]

Sadly I'm in the same boat. I've never really been actively suicidal but due to multiple health conditions at a young age (mid-twenties) at some point I'm gonna have to do it. I can't work/leave the house but since my illnesses are invisible it's pretty much impossible to get any sort of assistance or even compassion from friends and family

I'm barely hanging on mostly because due to covid I can stay home. I went from being relatively happy, enjoying life to wanting to be dead basically overnight. I'm in pain all day every day and my options for meds are all things that could make my conditions worse

I'm so sorry. I'm right there with you. I was also mostly happy then overnight my health was stolen from me by a resident who fucked up.

 

[Desdemona]

I'm so sorry. I'm right there with you. I was also mostly happy then overnight my health was stolen from me by a resident who fucked up.

I'm so sorry. Part of my issues also have to do with malpractice that set of a chain reaction of shit. I think just seeing how easy life can get ruined has messed me up mentally and there is no going back. It's traumatizing

 

[rabbithole]

I intend to kill myself when my incurable progressive illness hinders too much of what I still enjoy in life. I don't feel "forced", though; I'm glad I have options.

Can I ask how long you've had these injuries, @rabbithole? I don't want you (or anyone else) to feel forced to die before you're ready. x

That's good you have options still. I just project into the future and it's really bleak...no one to take care of me, no money to live comfortably, chronic intractable pain...so I figure why wait til then I guess.
I've had them since September 2019. A resident botched a lumbar puncture that I never even needed in the first place. She did it at L2 which is where the spinal cord terminates and turns into the cauda equina...basically she did it way too high and blood irritated my spinal cord. I couldn't walk right for a month. I'd fall with every step. Now I have something called arachnoiditis. Yikes sorry I'm ranting.

I'm so sorry. Part of my issues also have to do with malpractice that set of a chain reaction of shit. I think just seeing how easy life can get ruined has messed me up mentally and there is no going back. It's traumatizing

Geez it's absurd that this happens. I am truly sorry. Not that that changes anything at all. It is absolutely traumatizing and extremely unjust. I'm pissed off for you.

 

[WaitForSleep]

Because of circumstances? I don't want to die but have to because I am suffering immensely with a chronic pain disorder and a spinal cord injury to L2 which has left me with 0 feeling in my groin.

my quality of life is too low to endure living. But my SI is hard to beat because I have never been actively suicidal before and my mind keeps telling me something will change and I can learn to live this way even though I can't and every moment feels torturous.

anyone forced to die because of an illness or a circumstance you cannot change? Do you wish you could change it so you'd be allowed to have your life? That's all I think about. If I didn't go that day everything would be okay.

I can relate, my physical issues are nowhere near as debilitating as yours but it (combined with other issues) is enough to make me seriously consider ending it all. I have moderate scoliosis (~30 degree Cobb angle and it keeps progressing), which bothers me on a daily basis but I can't get help for it because my health insurance provides practically nothing. I don't know if i have nerve damage or what, because I know scoliosis on its own doesn't cause physical pain. Bodyweight exercises and corrective exercises can only do so much, I'm so tired of this body. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that level of pain and lack of feeling, I can only imagine what that must be like

 

[Soul]

@rabbithole, you're not ranting. (((hug))) If talking about what you're going through helps, people here are good listeners. And someone my have some ideas or perspectives that will help.

It helps me a lot just to know I have a way out. And if you have implant options that may help you, I hope you'll try them. Being a bionic @rabbithole might be amusing; and if it's not, you can still choose to arrange your own exit. It's your decision obviously, but might it be worth giving the electronics a try? I don't know what that entails and apologise if my suggestion is just dumb; I simply don't want you to feel forced. You do have options. x

 

[rabbithole]

I am sorry for your situation. I am forced by my husband who has burnt my entire life down. I fought long and hard to live.

I'm so sorry. I'm assuming there's no safe way out of the situation. You probably wouldn't be here if there were. I hope you're able to find peace.

 

[BrokenAlien]

Because of circumstances? I don't want to die but have to because I am suffering immensely with a chronic pain disorder and a spinal cord injury to L2 which has left me with 0 feeling in my groin.

my quality of life is too low to endure living. But my SI is hard to beat because I have never been actively suicidal before and my mind keeps telling me something will change and I can learn to live this way even though I can't and every moment feels torturous.

anyone forced to die because of an illness or a circumstance you cannot change? Do you wish you could change it so you'd be allowed to have your life? That's all I think about. If I didn't go that day everything would be okay.

Yes, I've had suicidal thoughts for a long time but my recent circumstances make it my only option that could take away this pain. If I could I would much rather go back in time and save my fiancé and live together. I'm afraid of SI making me panic when I realize I'm dying- I've been taking sleeping pills since the grief keeps me up and when I drift off my heart slows so quickly that I jolt myself up in terror. I'm a bit afraid of feeling that anxiety when I ctb. I wish we had a rewind button, I wish it didn't feel like this was the last option.