Anyone else filled with deep sadness, frustration, and anger due to inability to CTB

[Painless_end]

I just spend my every current waking moment in a lot of unhappiness and mental agony.

Deep down, objectively speaking, I should be dead. I know what suicidal people are like and I am definitely one of them.

But due to SI, I am unable to CTB. Instead, whenever a situation arises that pushes me over the edge, I just tell my parents that I have mental problems and sit away in the corner somewhere. My mother thinks it is anxiety and depression, but actually it is the overwhelming nature of life being what it is, and me being what I am that makes the whole thing horrifyingly difficult for me to actually find a way out of.

I am just extremely unhappy that I am not able to CTB.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

It's weird. I switch between feeling depressed at not having any success with ctb with partial just yet to feeling hopeful that one day I'll be successful and leaving this earth is an option for me.

 

[Checkout2]

I am bipolar and it's affected my behaviour and judgement.

i was only diagnosed when I crashed

i suppose I have always had it but routine and structure with gym, work and kids kept the magic highs and lows at bay.

My illness became worse after donating a kidney and I crashed big


I'm in such a mess and I don't want to be here.
I tried to CTB by partial many times then SI kicks in.
I think about what I would leave behind and how CTB would affect them. I have hurt so many people already and I don't want them
To suffer anymore.

However, I now live alone and struggle with the loneliness.

i have also tried paracetamol...even 50 did not do anything.

i have drank bleach, but chucked it up.

Then I drank home made hand sanitiser, which was 70% alcohol...isopropyl. I passed out for a few hours, then my hubby called and he called an ambulance. The hospital simply put me on a drip and did a blood test.

There is no painless way out and hanging seems to be the only option.

i doubt I could do SN. I almost got hold of it a few months ago...but to no avail. And then there is no ways to get the other medication required.

So I suppose I juts have to stay and fight this!

 

[I screwed up]

Yes .. Very much frustrated and almost in tears every night due to my inability to ctb. I m such a gutless chicken .. I hate myself . I m scared to even order SN which is my method

 

[Raminiki]

Yes. I feel you. Sending hugs of sympathy. Endure.

 

[all_pointless]

I am bipolar and it's affected my behaviour and judgement.

i was only diagnosed when I crashed

i suppose I have always had it but routine and structure with gym, work and kids kept the magic highs and lows at bay.

My illness became worse after donating a kidney and I crashed big


I'm in such a mess and I don't want to be here.
I tried to CTB by partial many times then SI kicks in.
I think about what I would leave behind and how CTB would affect them. I have hurt so many people already and I don't want them
To suffer anymore.

However, I now live alone and struggle with the loneliness.

i have also tried paracetamol...even 50 did not do anything.

i have drank bleach, but chucked it up.

Then I drank home made hand sanitiser, which was 70% alcohol...isopropyl. I passed out for a few hours, then my hubby called and he called an ambulance. The hospital simply put me on a drip and did a blood test.

There is no painless way out and hanging seems to be the only option.

i doubt I could do SN. I almost got hold of it a few months ago...but to no avail. And then there is no ways to get the other medication required.

So I suppose I juts have to stay and fight this!

I never thought I be able to say this but I had the same exact frustration looking to buy SN and it's big expensive in my country.

But out of desperation suddenly a friend here offered of his own and even tho I was dead depressed I somehow forced myself to travel to an 8 hours away city and back and even then I was just so depressed how I should get the AE.

But somehow the family member excuse at midnight worked. I'm praying, hoping you find a peaceful way or method. ❤

 

[Zappfe lover]

Yes .. Very much frustrated and almost in tears every night due to my inability to ctb. I m such a gutless chicken .. I hate myself . I m scared to even order SN which is my method

The moment I ordered it was super scary. The realisation that I'm actually going to die hit me hard. But, ironically enough, the desperation was followed by a stream of peacefulness.

 

[MsMaudlin]

Yes, I really really wish I had done it a few weeks ago.
Now I spend lots of time replaying why I didn't and beating myself up as to why I didn't.

❤

 

[Mr2005]

More that I have to

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Yes

 

[TAW122]

I'd say I feel a mix of sadness, despair, and some anger due to the way things have played out in 2020. It started from a change in my living situation, which then I ended up moving back to my parents. Then of course, the pandemic hit and my original plan to move back out has been postponed indefinitely (or until this pandemic is over and places are opening up). While in the long term it would be helpful to become employed, the economy sucks and I don't look forward to the future as much, especially knowing that there are certain goals that I will never attain and I'd rather not stick around to cope for another few decades or so.

As of now, I'm just looking forward to finding an open opportunity and then eventually check out from this hellhole of an existence. Notably gaining access to my method again (a firearm).

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Absolutely. I hate that my indecisive nature holds back even suicide. I feel like I'm torturing myself in every way possible by keeping myself in this limbo between not recovering and not ending my life.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Extremely frustrated. Every day I have to endure is punishment for my failure to ctb. Twice I've gone through the steps for SN, only to fail to take that final chug, once in a hotel room and once at home. I took it as a sign that maybe I wasn't ready, but every day I've lived since then has been regretful.

 

[clocktower]

yes, for sure. it's against my will too, i'm literally trapped unable to cbt because of my family keeping me under their thumb. i'm twenty fucking three and all possible methods are cut off, they wrap me in cotton wool and treat me like a baby saying they're "protecting" me. i'm miserable, frustrated and worst of all my love for them has turned to resentment and hatred. i wanted to at least leave this world feeling one positive emotion - love. not anymore.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

SI can be so powerful...

I just read a case of a man who managed partial with a hose! A hose! And others have been trying and trying and learning knots and learning how to pass out etc etc

Extremely frustrated. Every day I have to endure is punishment for my failure to ctb. Twice I've gone through the steps for SN, only to fail to take that final chug, once in a hotel room and once at home. I took it as a sign that maybe I wasn't ready, but every day I've lived since then has been regretful.

You've taken SN twice and you survived?? Wow. Did you happen to throw up?

 

[Rn110bg101]

I do feel frustration at the fact I can't leave yet and that it might be years until I can, but it's not anyone's fault so the anger's not directed

 

[Superdeterminist]

Yes. We need suicide to be destigmatised and voluntary euthanasia ASAP. Life isn't all nice and perfect for everyone.

 

[Existingnotliving]

Absolutely. I hate that my indecisive nature holds back even suicide. I feel like I'm torturing myself in every way possible by keeping myself in this limbo between not recovering and not ending my life.

Omg I feel this!

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

I'd say I feel a mix of sadness, despair, and some anger due to the way things have played out in 2020. It started from a change in my living situation, which then I ended up moving back to my parents. Then of course, the pandemic hit and my original plan to move back out has been postponed indefinitely (or until this pandemic is over and places are opening up). While in the long term it would be helpful to become employed, the economy sucks and I don't look forward to the future as much, especially knowing that there are certain goals that I will never attain and I'd rather not stick around to cope for another few decades or so.

As of now, I'm just looking forward to finding an open opportunity and then eventually check out from this hellhole of an existence. Notably gaining access to my method again (a firearm).

You're so lucky to have access to a firearm....

 

[bea1974]

Absolutely. I hate that my indecisive nature holds back even suicide. I feel like I'm torturing myself in every way possible by keeping myself in this limbo between not recovering and not ending my life.

That. 100%.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

That. 100%.

Absolutely. And especially when recovery seems absolutely impossible. But perhaps for some, there is hope.

That. 100%.

What have you tried in terms of recovery? I feel it's impossible.

 

[bea1974]

I've had ten hospital admissions, plus two periods of attending day hospital and one of attending drug rehab. I've had lots of therapy, some temporarily helpful some damaging. I've been on medications for most of the last 22 years. I'm out of options for recovery now.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

You've taken SN twice and you survived?? Wow. Did you happen to throw up?

No, I've gone through all the steps and prepped the solution twice, but never taken the SN drink. :-(

 

[VoidGirl]

I am unable to CTB not because I have too much SI, but simply because I do not have access to any decent method because I live in a country where everything is restricted and banned.

The worst is that I live alone and would be able to do it at any time and I would in the next 5 minutes if I had the proper tools. It drives me insane and makes me boil with rage every single day.

- Can't get a firearm
- SN is banned
- N is too expensive and complicated to get
- Tried partial, just can't get it to work

I looked at most methods in the mega-thread and scoured the internet for anything else but I was unsuccessful. I'm stuck here until I get lucky enough to die of something random or old age I guess.

 

[XYZ]

Totally. I can't hang, I can't jump, I can't order SN or N. I am the biggest loser in the universe. I wish it was legal to buy a gun, I know I'd pull the trigger.

 

[ebt88]

Have anyone tried acquiring a gun in the dark web?

 

[Living sucks]

I feel this way because I Have to ctb due to horrific health and can't live.