Anyone else feel their life is on a timer?

[altoids]

Maybe this is just some fucked up thought I have, but does anyone else have the feeling that their life has a time limit? Like a certain point to reach before CTB is inevitable.

To sort of explain what I mean, at least in my case I think I can mark a pretty solid point when it'll happen. I won't go into too much detail (since it's somewhat doxing myself and I doubt anyone gives a shit anyway) but I've been in government care basically my entire life, and now I'm less than a year away from aging out. At least I can say it's slightly poetic because my 19th birthday is very close to the end of the year.

I'm supposed to be "transitioning to independence" which means I've been set up with basically getting the bare minimum to sustain myself; a small private place to live, barely enough money to even buy food with, and a social worker that hardly ever even checks on me. So when the magic date comes and I'm cut off, I'll have absolutely nothing left. My "real" parents are out of my life entirely. My brain is so fucked up I couldn't even finish high school. It's embarrassing to even admit it. And it's not like I don't want to finish. I just keep hitting brick walls every time I try. None of them want to even bother helping set something up for me. Job prospects will just get worse the older I get without a diploma. I wonder what they even expect me to do with no money, housing, or proper education. They probably don't give a shit.

It's almost slightly more... freeing I guess? That I've come to terms with where things will end up. I'm just a file to these government people anyway, they won't care when I'm gone. In a twisted way I guess I can feel somewhat thankful that not many people will be affected by my death. And that these thoughts aren't pervasive. They're just always floating around in the background. A ticking timer counting down to when the bus arrives. I know exactly what I'll do when it's time. In the meantime, I'll just puppet my lifeless body around and fulfill my basic obligations to society while I wait at the stop.

Anyway, sorry for dumping this rant. I just wanted to vent a bit and see if anyone else has this same kind of outlook. Thanks for reading all this.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Oh yes, definitely.

It's saddening that you feel your life is coming to an end at such a young age. It's clear that you weren't set up for success in the way that most people take for granted. It's understandable to feel this way about life when you were handicapped from the get-go.

It's even more unfortunate because it's clear that you are a bright person but the limitations of high intelligence when you have a bunch of other problems are sadly a common theme here...

What kind of things were challenging when you were trying to get your diploma?

 

[imcadt99]

I completely relate to what you said, I'm content with my demise. Initially fearful and terrified of death, but gradually growing more comfortable with the thought. I'm at the end of my rope. Once I finally receive the items I've ordered in the mail I will be ending my life. No hesitations. That night I will drink and end it, just as I've been obsessively planning every night. I've known this would be my fate for almost 8 years now, a clock ticking away much like what you described. Only keeping up with minimal obligations up until this point. Taking a strange comfort knowing it will all be over soon.

 

[hellispink]

The clock is ticking. I can't run away from death any longer.

 

[HadItAll]

What I fear is that I won't have reliable methods ready for when the timer inevitably runs out. For the timer to run out all I need to do is fuck up a few more times, which my ill and impaired ass will certainly manage to do within a few months or years. Or if I develop another chronic illness which can often happen with autoimmunity.

 

[LunaXCBN]

Honestly, no. I don't really even understand this thought. Not in a rude way, it just confuses me.

 

[absolomonisgone]

Maybe this is just some fucked up thought I have, but does anyone else have the feeling that their life has a time limit? Like a certain point to reach before CTB is inevitable.

To sort of explain what I mean, at least in my case I think I can mark a pretty solid point when it'll happen. I won't go into too much detail (since it's somewhat doxing myself and I doubt anyone gives a shit anyway) but I've been in government care basically my entire life, and now I'm less than a year away from aging out. At least I can say it's slightly poetic because my 19th birthday is very close to the end of the year.

I'm supposed to be "transitioning to independence" which means I've been set up with basically getting the bare minimum to sustain myself; a small private place to live, barely enough money to even buy food with, and a social worker that hardly ever even checks on me. So when the magic date comes and I'm cut off, I'll have absolutely nothing left. My "real" parents are out of my life entirely. My brain is so fucked up I couldn't even finish high school. It's embarrassing to even admit it. And it's not like I don't want to finish. I just keep hitting brick walls every time I try. None of them want to even bother helping set something up for me. Job prospects will just get worse the older I get without a diploma. I wonder what they even expect me to do with no money, housing, or proper education. They probably don't give a shit.

It's almost slightly more... freeing I guess? That I've come to terms with where things will end up. I'm just a file to these government people anyway, they won't care when I'm gone. In a twisted way I guess I can feel somewhat thankful that not many people will be affected by my death. And that these thoughts aren't pervasive. They're just always floating around in the background. A ticking timer counting down to when the bus arrives. I know exactly what I'll do when it's time. In the meantime, I'll just puppet my lifeless body around and fulfill my basic obligations to society while I wait at the stop.

Anyway, sorry for dumping this rant. I just wanted to vent a bit and see if anyone else has this same kind of outlook. Thanks for reading all this.

To be 19 never finish school been government care all life you write very good. Very good

 

[altoids]

Thanks everyone for your perspectives. In a strange way it's somewhat reassuring to see that I'm not the only one that has this kind of feeling about life.

Oh yes, definitely.

It's saddening that you feel your life is coming to an end at such a young age. It's clear that you weren't set up for success in the way that most people take for granted. It's understandable to feel this way about life when you were handicapped from the get-go.

It's even more unfortunate because it's clear that you are a bright person but the limitations of high intelligence when you have a bunch of other problems are sadly a common theme here...

What kind of things were challenging when you were trying to get your diploma?

I don't really see myself as a bright person but thank you for the kind words nonetheless. To your question though, I won't try to give myself too many excuses but I was moved around a lot (different placements) midway through high school. By the time I was able to go back it had been too long and my social worker never got anything set up with the school. I think it's still mostly my fault in the end. My brain never seems to work how I want it to.

I completely relate to what you said, I'm content with my demise. Initially fearful and terrified of death, but gradually growing more comfortable with the thought. I'm at the end of my rope. Once I finally receive the items I've ordered in the mail I will be ending my life. No hesitations. That night I will drink and end it, just as I've been obsessively planning every night. I've known this would be my fate for almost 8 years now, a clock ticking away much like what you described. Only keeping up with minimal obligations up until this point. Taking a strange comfort knowing it will all be over soon.

I can definitely relate to this. For me it's taken longer to come to terms with where things will end up but it's just like you put it, gradually growing more comfortable. Some little feeling from the back of the mind eventually encompassing all of it. Thanks for your thoughts. Wishing you a peaceful transition when the day comes.

 

[Sulyya]

I get what you mean though I don't have that.

The school aspect, even though I did graduate, I certainly understand. It's clear that you're intelligent but as we know that isn't the main factor which makes someone able to complete work or build a stable life, let alone find happiness (not even close).

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't really see myself as a bright person but thank you for the kind words nonetheless. To your question though, I won't try to give myself too many excuses but I was moved around a lot (different placements) midway through high school. By the time I was able to go back it had been too long and my social worker never got anything set up with the school. I think it's still mostly my fault in the end. My brain never seems to work how I want it to.

What about getting a GED or its equivalent?

 

[altoids]

What about getting a GED or its equivalent?

I guess it's a possibility. But I think I'm just going to continue losing brainpower as the date gets closer. At this point I think I know less than I did when I started high school. Might as well just let fate take its course and stop wasting my time.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I guess it's a possibility. But I think I'm just going to continue losing brainpower as the date gets closer. At this point I think I know less than I did when I started high school. Might as well just let fate take its course and stop wasting my time.

Hmm, I still think it's feasible. A lot of your struggles seem to be able to be attributed to environmental stress and a lack of support from the adults around you. I feel that with those aspects improved you can have more success.

 

[tiredofbreathing]

I get what you mean though I don't have that.

The school aspect, even though I did graduate, I certainly understand. It's clear that you're intelligent but as we know that isn't the main factor which makes someone able to complete work or build a stable life, let alone find happiness (not even close).

I always felt like I was "intelligent" (not in a narcissist way) but always wondered why I had so many problems with self sabotage and other issues. I always offer good advice to people but can't do it myself