I (20M) have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and ideation since I was around 8, but I remember "wanting things to be over" earlier than that. I've always felt like I've been waiting for things to get better, and they have, but not enough if that makes sense. I thought I'd ctb in middle school, but never did, but I don't feel like anything in my life (before or after that point) has been worth living for. I felt genuinely happy and fulfilled for the first time in my life for like three months this time last year, but things just fell apart for no good reason and I've been more depressed than I've ever been since then. Things were going so well in all areas of my life, it was the first time I had someone who I really trusted and loved in my life. I felt so much hope and it's just impossible to get that back because I've seen how badly things can end up. I'd rather have never experienced real happiness because the pain of watching it go to shit has been unbearable. I've only been this depressed one other time in my life and I thought I'd never go back to that. I've withdrawn from everything and everyone. I don't feel pleasure from any of my hobbies, I'm in school but I rarely talk to anyone, I don't get hungry anymore, I only get horny if I take stimulants, I don't even like listening to music anymore. I just took a ton of classes this semester and rail adderall so I don't have any free time. At least my grades are really good. I'm on two antidepressants and they help, but not enough.
I had some free time last week and I just got black out drunk one night and mixed pills and drinking on the other. I didn't try to OD because it's apparently a very painful and drawn out way to go. If I drink to get tipsy I just get incredibly more depressed, so I treat myself by getting black out once in a while because I don't remember what happened all I remember is that everything is really fucking funny. I apparently called one of my more distant friends who lives in a different city while I was black out. He said I didn't say anything bad lol but I don't remember anything. He's been texting me more than usual and I think he's worried. I have two pretty distant friends that live far away. They're my only real social interaction, I text them almost daily and we call every few months. I told the other one I was super depressed and he tried to offer some encouragement, but it didn't help that much. I appreciate his effort though. Throughout my life, I've had two really close friends but the first one was really unhealthy and the second one I talked about earlier. I'm really closed off and I don't really like spending a lot of time with most people. I'm not like socially inept or anything, I can talk to and make "friends" pretty easily but I don't like most people that much if that makes sense. I can surround myself with people I don't like that much or just be by myself. I've tried to have superficial relationships and also develop deeper relationships with people I don't like that much, but it just sucks and I feel even more lonely. When I was a kid, I was so lonely I tried to turn to religion but it didn't help because it made me think that my life was so bad because I was being punished by god. I felt even more alone because I though even god hated me. I recently tried to turn to religion again, but it didn't help. I wish I didn't have to be all alone, but I've been like this for most of my life so I've learned to live with it. I don't really want to, but there are a lot of things in my life that I don't really want that I have to live with.
I want to ctb in theory. If I have any free time I think about it. I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth throughout the day and think about where I'd aim the barrel of a gun. I read the how-to threads on here anonymously. I think about today, tomorrow, and the next day and I realize that there's nothing keeping me here. I feel like I don't have anything to live for and I keep repeating it over and over in my head because it doesn't sound right. I am an objectively lucky person and sometimes I feel bad for being so depressed. I feel like I can never achieve longterm happiness and/or fullfillment in life and each time I've tried I've been burned more badly than the last. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun. I want things to end. If I could flip a switch I would've a long time ago, but it seems like there's no fully painless and foolproof way to ctb. There's also the mental aspect of it, we're hard wired to want to live. I want to live, but I want a life I can never have. I can achieve something somewhat close, but something will always be missing and I don't know if I can ever be okay with that. I can try. I'm trying right now, but I'm tired. I wish that I didn't have to suffer so much and I could just live a normal life. I wish that I had a childhood. That's been bothering me a lot lately, I wish I at least experienced the carefreeness of childhood. I grew up in an abusive home and I was just scared all the time.
I'm not really sure what my point of posting is. I guess just feel stuck and I don't know what else to do. I do therapy, but I'm also not really sure what I want to do with that either. This ended up being really long, so if you read the whole thing I hope it was at least interesting.
I had some free time last week and I just got black out drunk one night and mixed pills and drinking on the other. I didn't try to OD because it's apparently a very painful and drawn out way to go. If I drink to get tipsy I just get incredibly more depressed, so I treat myself by getting black out once in a while because I don't remember what happened all I remember is that everything is really fucking funny. I apparently called one of my more distant friends who lives in a different city while I was black out. He said I didn't say anything bad lol but I don't remember anything. He's been texting me more than usual and I think he's worried. I have two pretty distant friends that live far away. They're my only real social interaction, I text them almost daily and we call every few months. I told the other one I was super depressed and he tried to offer some encouragement, but it didn't help that much. I appreciate his effort though. Throughout my life, I've had two really close friends but the first one was really unhealthy and the second one I talked about earlier. I'm really closed off and I don't really like spending a lot of time with most people. I'm not like socially inept or anything, I can talk to and make "friends" pretty easily but I don't like most people that much if that makes sense. I can surround myself with people I don't like that much or just be by myself. I've tried to have superficial relationships and also develop deeper relationships with people I don't like that much, but it just sucks and I feel even more lonely. When I was a kid, I was so lonely I tried to turn to religion but it didn't help because it made me think that my life was so bad because I was being punished by god. I felt even more alone because I though even god hated me. I recently tried to turn to religion again, but it didn't help. I wish I didn't have to be all alone, but I've been like this for most of my life so I've learned to live with it. I don't really want to, but there are a lot of things in my life that I don't really want that I have to live with.
I want to ctb in theory. If I have any free time I think about it. I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth throughout the day and think about where I'd aim the barrel of a gun. I read the how-to threads on here anonymously. I think about today, tomorrow, and the next day and I realize that there's nothing keeping me here. I feel like I don't have anything to live for and I keep repeating it over and over in my head because it doesn't sound right. I am an objectively lucky person and sometimes I feel bad for being so depressed. I feel like I can never achieve longterm happiness and/or fullfillment in life and each time I've tried I've been burned more badly than the last. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun. I want things to end. If I could flip a switch I would've a long time ago, but it seems like there's no fully painless and foolproof way to ctb. There's also the mental aspect of it, we're hard wired to want to live. I want to live, but I want a life I can never have. I can achieve something somewhat close, but something will always be missing and I don't know if I can ever be okay with that. I can try. I'm trying right now, but I'm tired. I wish that I didn't have to suffer so much and I could just live a normal life. I wish that I had a childhood. That's been bothering me a lot lately, I wish I at least experienced the carefreeness of childhood. I grew up in an abusive home and I was just scared all the time.
I'm not really sure what my point of posting is. I guess just feel stuck and I don't know what else to do. I do therapy, but I'm also not really sure what I want to do with that either. This ended up being really long, so if you read the whole thing I hope it was at least interesting.
