Discussion anyone else feel like this?

[nopurposeinanything]

I currently have a favorite person. It's really stupid I know, but they're really sweet. But the thing is I know it's not gonna be forever, just like everything. I know eventually we'll fall out like I do with everyone. Besides, I get so heavily jealous over her anyway that i know there's no point. Anyway, sometimes I see her kinda not necessarily ignoring me—just distracted maybe? But when she does something that makes me sad or disappointed or whatever, a small part of me gets a little happy because its like I was expecting this, that i knew that would happen. It's like disappointment obviously but not suprised.

 

[suudo]

On a deep, personal level yeah. Going through the same shit right now with someone I was close to. It's so easy to rationalize negativity, that they're distracted talking to other people they like more, that they never really cared in the first place, they were just better at pretending than other people. It's... very hard. Especially if they're not incredible at being supportive, and making sure to let you know at every moment that you are cared for and appreciated. No way to help, I'm fucked up in the same way, just letting you know you're not alone there.

 

[nopurposeinanything]

On a deep, personal level yeah. Going through the same shit right now with someone I was close to. It's so easy to rationalize negativity, that they're distracted talking to other people they like more, that they never really cared in the first place, they were just better at pretending than other people. It's... very hard. Especially if they're not incredible at being supportive, and making sure to let you know at every moment that you are cared for and appreciated. No way to help, I'm fucked up in the same way, just letting you know you're not alone there.

Thank you, that does help me feel a bit better. She does reassure me a lot and it does help, but also she doesn't realize how bad my jealousy problem is, and im blaming myself for that, not her. I just hate knowing that this is how it always goes.

 

[Sphinxi]

You might have bpd, those kinds of intense and shifting relationships are common for borderline types. I relate a lot to what you are saying, though. Unstable relationships are a headache. Overall, do you think that this relationship is good for your wellbeing?

 

[nopurposeinanything]

You might have bpd, those kinds of intense and shifting relationships are common for borderline types. I relate a lot to what you are saying, though. Unstable relationships are a headache. Overall, do you think that this relationship is good for your wellbeing?

Well, for her maybe not—considering im mentally ill. I know the one who will end our relationship is her, so I'll just wait until she gets sick of me.

 

[suudo]

Thank you, that does help me feel a bit better. She does reassure me a lot and it does help, but also she doesn't realize how bad my jealousy problem is, and im blaming myself for that, not her. I just hate knowing that this is how it always goes.

Yeah, same shoes. I'm near the tail end of mine. Met her in a discord, not really romantically attached but she just makes me happy. Very, very happy. When she's here, she's great at making me feel cared about. She's been gone lately though, dealing with real life as is her right, I don't want to be so fucking jealous, I want to be supportive of her having other friends, of making decisions that make her happier and her life better, but there's a tiny little insanely jealous and needy little goblin living in a dark little corner of my heart that thinks
"If you have so much time for that, for them, how come there's no time for me?"
And the guilt for having those thoughts makes me push myself away as well. I don't know if we'll talk again like we used to, but it's sad to know I'm part of what made it end. The self-hatred for knowing that if I was just FUCKING normal I'd be able to know her and be happy is... physical. Makes me sick.
It's a fucking vicious, ugly cycle I have zero idea of how to break, besides just... finding someone who wouldn't want to leave.
And I think we both know how hard it is to even imagine that bullshit happening hahaha.

 

[nopurposeinanything]

Yeah, same shoes. I'm near the tail end of mine. Met her in a discord, not really romantically attached but she just makes me happy. Very, very happy. When she's here, she's great at making me feel cared about. She's been gone lately though, dealing with real life as is her right, I don't want to be so fucking jealous, I want to be supportive of her having other friends, of making decisions that make her happier and her life better, but there's a tiny little insanely jealous and needy little goblin living in a dark little corner of my heart that thinks
"If you have so much time for that, for them, how come there's no time for me?"
And the guilt for having those thoughts makes me push myself away as well. I don't know if we'll talk again like we used to, but it's sad to know I'm part of what made it end. The self-hatred for knowing that if I was just FUCKING normal I'd be able to know her and be happy is... physical. Makes me sick.
It's a fucking vicious, ugly cycle I have zero idea of how to break, besides just... finding someone who wouldn't want to leave.
And I think we both know how hard it is to even imagine that bullshit happening hahaha.

You're exactly how I am man. Heavy on the discord shit, I met someone there too. She was honestly just like me, kinda fucked up. Like the kind of person who was just as obbsesed with them as I was, and she didnt want me to leave. Honestly one of the best relationships I ever had—until I fucking ruined it. We were a few months strong, but then I really started struggling mentally. I started to not like her, and I know that was so bitchy of me. I still loved her of course, but I was just mental. I started to push her away and distance myself. Then, my worst fear came true, she broke up with me and blocked me. I had no right to be sad over this and I know—but I was. I felt sick knowing that i reduced someone who genuinely loved me so much, someone who never wanted me to leave—to someone that hated me and left. How fucked up am I for that? But, yeah, you're just like me. All I want is for someone to not leave me.

 

[suudo]

You're exactly how I am man. Heavy on the discord shit, I met someone there too. She was honestly just like me, kinda fucked up. Like the kind of person who was just as obbsesed with them as I was, and she didnt want me to leave. Honestly one of the best relationships I ever had—until I fucking ruined it. We were a few months strong, but then I really started struggling mentally. I started to not like her, and I know that was so bitchy of me. I still loved her of course, but I was just mental. I started to push her away and distance myself. Then, my worst fear came true, she broke up with me and blocked me. I had no right to be sad over this and I know—but I was. I felt sick knowing that i reduced someone who genuinely loved me so much, someone who never wanted me to leave—to someone that hated me and left. How fucked up am I for that? But, yeah, you're just like me. All I want is for someone to not leave me.

It's definitely good to know I'm not the only one with this same bullshit headspace I'm dealing with. Unfortunate too, it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. Hope you find em, man. Even if I don't, SOMEONE deserves to be free of that shit.

 

[nopurposeinanything]

It's definitely good to know I'm not the only one with this same bullshit headspace I'm dealing with. Unfortunate too, it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. Hope you find em, man. Even if I don't, SOMEONE deserves to be free of that shit.

Yeah, all it does is ruin my chances of a relationship or a good friendship. The amount of jealousy I feel is simply unreal.

 

[suudo]

Yeah, all it does is ruin my chances of a relationship or a good friendship. The amount of jealousy I feel is simply unreal.

Yeah I try to put it into flowery language like "Well, someone eventually will appreciate how much I care, and how much effort I'm willing to put into both friendships and relationships." But honestly the older I get the more I'm realizing people do not want that effort, they want something easy. I don't know if I'll ever be easy.

 

[violetforever]

Yeah I try to put it into flowery language like "Well, someone eventually will appreciate how much I care, and how much effort I'm willing to put into both friendships and relationships." But honestly the older I get the more I'm realizing people do not want that effort, they want something easy. I don't know if I'll ever be easy.

i relate to this so much. i won't even try to befriend someone or something if i know i won't put all of my effort into it because i'm not entirely into them. like i need to be obsessed with someone to even care or i basically feel nothing but that's not healthy. no one ever has the same idea of me. i don't know how to be normal about people lol.

 

[nopurposeinanything]

Yeah I try to put it into flowery language like "Well, someone eventually will appreciate how much I care, and how much effort I'm willing to put into both friendships and relationships." But honestly the older I get the more I'm realizing people do not want that effort, they want something easy. I don't know if I'll ever be easy.

Yes, exactly this. I try to be normal, but no matter how much I try I'll always be obsessive.

 

[suudo]

i relate to this so much. i won't even try to befriend someone or something if i know i won't put all of my effort into it because i'm not entirely into them. like i need to be obsessed with someone to even care or i basically feel nothing but that's not healthy. no one ever has the same idea of me. i don't know how to be normal about people lol.

Yeah I'm the same way, the only longterm friendships I have are ones in which I can go years without talking to them and we're still buddies, because I just vanish sometimes unless I'm really, REALLY deeply into someone. Not even romantically, but just... curious about them, who they are, how they tick, enjoying learning every little piece of what makes them human and embracing it.
Though, I am infinitely weak to anyone that's remotely kind to me so not exactly a high bar to pass. I am so affection starved it's pathetic.

Yes, exactly this. I try to be normal, but no matter how much I try I'll always be obsessive.

Yeah I definitely can't see any easy way out myself either.

 

[Reishi]

That little bit of relief isn't happiness, it's your brain going "I knew this would happen," because predictable pain feels safer than hope. The jealousy and overthinking come from caring too much and not feeling secure, not from being broken. Being "not surprised" doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It just means you've learned to brace for impact. These patterns are very heavily associated with bpd , I would know because I deal with this shit everyday.

 

[violetforever]

but just... curious about them, who they are, how they tick, enjoying learning every little piece of what makes them human and embracing it.

just reading this made me feel obsessive and anxious because that's exactly how i am it really is that bad for me lol

 

[suudo]

just reading this made me feel obsessive and anxious because that's exactly how i am it really is that bad for me lol

Well, for whatever bullshit it's worth at least there's two of us lmfao.
Hope you find someone who embraces it buddy.